To refuse to homeschool DS??

[NeverendingChaos]

DS going into Yr9. Starts back at school on Wednesday. He is insisting on being homeschooled as he hates school and states he can learn more efficiently at home. Wants to homeschool himself, presented me with a timetable and all the resources he’ll use. Has decided on what GCSE’s he’s taking (only 6 so he gets the highest possible grades as he only needs 5 for A levels!) and he’s put them all on his timetable.

I do wonder if he’s on the Autism spectrum (high functioning) as he is super intelligent and prefers to be on his own. Him being as he is, he’s extensively researched it and insists he’s not.

He complains that other DC are annoying and not like him and the teaching is too slow. He has a few friends at school but he refuses to meet up outside of school and won’t do any clubs or activities.

He’s spent the summer at home quite happy in himself, occasionally being dragged out to the leisure centre to do some sports with DH and his older brothers under much protest.

There is no bullying that we were aware of (I’ve asked and asked but he’s always denied) until last night he broke down in tears saying that his friendship group had frozen him out just before the school holidays due to him a silky argument with one of them so he’d blocked them all on WhatsApp and now wouldn’t have anyone to be with at break and lunch when he goes back. We’ve obviously impressed on him that it’ll have been forgotten about by now and he can make new friends (although that will be hard for him). I think there may be more to it though and he’s struggling to fit in with peers in general.

We’ve moved since he was at primary school (had very few friends there as well) and I don’t know any of the parents of the friends he’d made at secondary so don’t know what went on. I was on at him constantly over the summer to arrange to meet up with friends and he’d said he didn’t want to.

He was diagnosed with a serious medical condition last year which I know he’s struggling with psychologically but won’t admit it or agree to therapy. School attendance was 60% last year due to this as condition worsens while at school as he’s obviously under stress (I believed social stress and DS has only now admitted it) so I was constantly having to collect him and he was having days off as feeling ill. Requested meeting with school who said no social issues observed, extremely well regarded by teachers, excellent behaviour etc. He still got 95%+ in end of year assessments.

It was for this reason alone that I considered home schooling but I am worried he won’t reach his potential and will be isolated socially but he insists he will be much happier. Have looked into a fresh start at a new school but all schools in area are full and have waiting lists. Can’t afford private.

He is using medical condition as a argument that he must be homeschooled which I kind of agree with as I think he’s got enough to deal with without school stress but I think it will just be a disaster!

If I deregister him from current school, someone on waiting list will take it and he won’t be able to get into another school.

WIBU to force him back to school?

He is adamant I’m not to speak to school about helping him socially nor will he agree to seeing s therapist.

I’d be more concerned with his odd ideas about taking quite so few GCSEs and doing so little physical exercise. What does he want to do at Uni and how does he suggest he gains the social skills necessary for adult life. (I’m a HEer but I think it sounds a bit half arsed).

Your son MIGHT need intelligent (i will come back to that) but it sounds as though his social skills are sorely lacking.He is not going to develop them by sitting alone in hus bedroom all day!
If you are stopping school, you are taking away what seems like his only social opportunity!
Most t intelligent kids I know do 11 or 12 GCSEs, and if you are only putting him in for so few , it is not doing him justice

Have you looked at inter high and HE groups?

Having an autistic son myself I think you need to consider the damage you'll do forcing him into a situation where he's saying it's too much.

You can always have attending counselling as a condition of him being HE.

Camhs said to me when attended that someone choosing to be alone - isolating themselves should be respected. It's not fair to dictate someone's else's feelings - especially someone ND - on behavioural norms and what we think they should feel.

I agree with @Ohthatsabitshit , I’d want to understand why he thinks he needs so few GCSE’s and this fact alone is a reminder that he’s bright but young and fallible… even if his specific college course requires this, it would be very limiting. No way I’d be agreeing to that element.

I think if you're going to homeschool you need to address social side of things too. I don't think it will benefit him long term to isolate himself from the world. He needs friendships and to learn to work with others. In the future presumably he will go to Uni if very clever and will experience "people" in concentrated form. The workplace is also inevitable.

I'd also give him until the end of December to show he is willing to attend therapy and go in for meetings with the school to try and resolve things too. The school may even support a flexible schedule whereby he attends school 50% of the time and he HS the other 50%.

It's better to have a broader range of GCSEs at slightly lower grades than a few at the max grade.

I studied English, but my first choice Russell Group university required me to have a good grade in a foreign language GCSE. My sister got just as good grades as I did but couldn't even apply for the same university because she didn't do a foreign language past year 9, whereas I had no problems getting in.

You never know what jobs and opportunities are going to come up in the future for him where it would have been better to have a particular GCSE and he doesn't have it purely on the basis that he didn't take enough.

The plan sounds positive in other respects, but is he just trying to avoid things rather than face them? He should at least give it a try, because there are so many things he's not going to like as an adult that he can't run away from.

I'd want him to do 9 GCSEs and commit to some active and social activities outside the home and/or home ed groups (even if he switches about a bit to see which suit him best).

Do you think you'd need to help him / chivvy him into working or would he be self-motivated? Does he understand there would be no going back? Can you afford the resources required? I think I'd want a proper course via an online school or similar as he'd have some accountability but they can be expensive.

It may be that he's using up all his social ability just coping with being in school and will be much more able to engage in life if he doesn't have that stress.

You talk about GCSE’s but also talk about school,starting in Wednesday and summer activities. Are you in Australia? Would trying SIDE be a halfway house? If you are WA based https://www.side.wa.edu.au/. NSW https://education.nsw.gov.au/teaching-and-learning/curriculum/rural-and-distance-education/distance-education. Other states will have their own departments within Education.

I agree with this. There needs to be some give and take. He can't have it all his way.

Do Uni courses want a minimum of 7 GCSE’s? Not sure but this number rings a bell 🔔

If he has a serious medical condition this needs to be factored in. Maybe make a deal with him? Look at home schooling communities and if he can socialise with them.

I am not saying you should say yes to all his terms but maybe there is a compromise which benefits him and puts your fears at ease.

He has worked out how he will organize the home schooling, he is bright and motivated. Give him the chance to do it.

I don't agree that school is necessary for social purposes, and I wouldn't make the homeschooling dependent on him doing other social activities. If he feels a need for these, he is capable of organizing them for himself.

The school system doesn't suit all children.

Zombie thread alert!