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Original poster

What to do about a teen with zero manners

36 replies

Pink39tree · 04/09/2023 18:51

I know this is going to come across very snobby but I’m mortified with my young BIL manners from a recent family gathering at my families home.
DH is one of 4, three of them are the most well mannered people you would ever meet. However there is a large age gap between them and the youngest brother who seems the issue.
They all have the same parents, who clearly must of done something correct with the first three children.
Examples of his bad manners from this weekend :
1)Burped on the table
2)Licked the plate clean
3)Doesn’t say please or thank you EVER. Even when I challenge him.
4)There was a cultural celebration, my family kindly ensured he was included with gifts he refused to get up and say thank you. When I pushed him to do so as I was mortified he just said “maybe if I got the same amount of money as the others I would have said thank you”. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
5)I explained to him before we went that culturally, the elders take their food first. Yes it might be backwards, but when you’re a guest at someone’s house you respect their rules. Well clearly not darling BIL who grabbed a whole platter of food, put it on his plate before everyone sat dow and when challenged that’s meant for everyone proudly said “we’ll your mum should of made more”.
6)Licked his knife, when my grandad explained that’s bad manners and could hurt himself, he licked it again.

My DH and I are so embarrassed, his mum just said “he’s young he doesn’t know”, surely that’s not an excuse I know toddlers that are more behaved. I’m worried about him entering adulthood without learning these manners as I just think they are so important in society/work/university/etc? I think we need to set some sort of intervention about his manners, my DH and siblings agree but the mum is adamant he will learn. Do say if I’m being dramatic and to just leave him.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 04/09/2023 18:53

How old is he?

Sounds like a wee knob and I'd not have him around again. And after the money comment I'd have probably taken it back again!

Original poster
Pink39tree · 04/09/2023 18:56

He’s 16, will be 17 very soon.

OP posts:
BeatBoy · 04/09/2023 18:57

He’s not your child to parent. In your shoes I’d just seethe and I’d just stop inviting him anywhere. It sounds like he’s doing things to elicit a response or to brag to his mates about tbh.

OhComeOnFFS · 04/09/2023 18:59

Just don't invite him anywhere. If he asks why, be blunt with him.

Conkersinautumn · 04/09/2023 19:00

He is old enough to understand.
Don't invite him again.

TheOutlaws · 04/09/2023 19:01

Sorry, I’m going to be that poster, but…

He sounds like he has some additional needs. This is completely inappropriate behaviour for someone his age, so much so that I would assume he was unable to pick up on social cues.

Duckingella · 04/09/2023 19:01

He's old enough to know better;he might have been raised same as the rest of his siblings but I have to wonder as the youngest and possibly the last one at home he's spoilt and allowed to get away with things his siblings didn't.

Sometimes the youngest sibling can be very entitled and selfish especially when male.

pikkumyy77 · 04/09/2023 19:02

Laugh AT him and just tell him he is not invited again.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 04/09/2023 19:03

Oh he's definitely bloody old enough. I thought he was like 8!

For Xmas I'd get him a card. That's it! He'll be expecting money in it mwahahahaha

ilovesooty · 04/09/2023 19:03

He isn't your responsibility. Just keep your contact with him to an absolute minimum.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 04/09/2023 19:07

Jesus I thought you were going to say he was 13! And only 13 because the thread title said "teen" otherwise I would have thought 10!

Utterly disgraceful. His mum is obviously doting on him, this sometimes happens with youngest children. I don't think she can see what a shit he's turning into. But I don't know that it's your problem to deal with because I'm not sure how all his siblings can actually get through to him. Telling him off won't work, he's been allowed to get away with too much for too long.

You might just have to let natural consequences happen - that no one will invite him to anything or want to be his friend. If he goes to uni he'll either learn this very quickly or end up very lonely and dropping out (and I'm sure his mum will have 1000 excuses and blame the uni, they usually do).

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/09/2023 19:10

All the normal things… Stop inviting him, call him out if you are with him, don’t let others invite him, apologize on his behalf if forced, and finally make yourself unpleasant for him to be around by doing all of the above.

NeedToChangeName · 04/09/2023 19:14

Reward the good behaviour, ignore the bad

Not your responsibility to parent him

Acknowledge to your family that he was rude

He probably will mature and be more polite in future

BreadInCaptivity · 04/09/2023 21:21

It's not your job to parent him, but neither do you have to put up with his awful behaviour in your home.

Neither do you have to "reward" him by giving nice gifts etc.

Frankly I'd back off (including sending birthday presents, inviting him to family events you host etc) and tell his mum why.

She doesn't think it's an issue - fine. Maybe she will think differently when people start saying they are not putting up with that level of rudeness at his age.

He sounds like an entitled little shit and I'd be mortified if my DS behaved that was at any age never mine as an older teen.

He's way past the point of he should have grown out of it because he's been allowed to behave that way for too long.

BorrowedThyme · 04/09/2023 21:24

He is being deliberately oppositional - why?

Does he feel like he is being picked on?

If there is no good reason behind this, just leave him out altogether in the future

MeridianB · 04/09/2023 21:29

No more invitations and avoid having to see him at any events or meals. Your DH should ask his parents why they’re allowing him to offend people and behave like an oaf.

“He’s young” is a lame excuse if he was 6 but at 16 they are creating a monster.

Gymmum82 · 04/09/2023 21:33

Stop inviting him to anything. If you have to be around him and he’s rude I would tell him he’s the rudest person you’ve ever met and you dislike him immensely.
Don’t include him in anything your family does. He’s a spoilt brat who is about to become an entitled adult. It’s probably too late for him tbh

Saz12 · 04/09/2023 21:33

His behaviour doesnt need to be your problem.
Dont invite him to your get togethers /celebrations. Dont bother with gifts for him.
If he asks, tell him bluntly. Dont expect him to rethink his behaviour as a result- "you dont seem to appreciate what we give you, so it seems wasteful to continue" or "you werent interested in our family celebration the last tine, so I didnt think youd want to come".

Original poster
Pink39tree · 04/09/2023 22:03

It’s hard to stop inviting him to things when he’s part of the family.
Most definitely won’t be coming to my families house again, funnily enough when the conversation of Christmas came up and I said “DH and I will be hosting Christmas” MIL was shocked when I said they are not invited also because my family will be coming and I’m not going through that embarrassment again for him to be there.

However when we go to see the in laws or they come to visit he will be there. Sometimes I’m put off my food when he’s on the dinner table licking his plate 🤢

I know he is not my kid to parent but I feel so sad for him that people will think badly of him when he enters the real world, and I don’t blame him because clearly his parents are not parenting him.

it’s a shame, the first thing people would say about DH when they meet him would be “wow your parents did a great job with you”

OP posts:
Original poster
Pink39tree · 04/09/2023 22:04

Is it too late to be fixed?

OP posts:
MeridianB · 04/09/2023 22:07

If your ILs won’t visit you without him then don’t invite them, and tell them why.

Presumably he knows how to eat/behave properly (at school etc) but chooses not to and has zero consequences. There’s no way I’d put up with this. He’s laughing at you all and getting a kick out of it.

drinkuptheezider · 04/09/2023 22:08

I'd take the piss, tell him and his parents at least the gene pool will stop with him. No self-respecting girl will want him.

Original poster
Pink39tree · 04/09/2023 22:13

Anytime I challenge him my MIL says I’m being snobby. Not being snobby it’s just repulsive behaviour.

He is like this in school also.

I feel sorry for him because I think his parents are to blame and it’s got to do with him being spoilt as the youngest but come on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pink39tree · 04/09/2023 22:14

My DH hates it but is under the impression when he goes to university, social norms will kick in. I think by that point it would be too late and he will find himself isolated

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 04/09/2023 22:18

He’s well aware he’s getting a reaction. Is there any back story, resentment perhaps? He seems to be deliberately acting out to annoy people. It’s quite acceptable to make it known he’s not welcome if he can’t behave. If there’s anyone he’s closer to, is there a way of trying to find out what he’s so angry about (he seems very angry).