What to do about a teen with zero manners

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I know this is going to come across very snobby but I’m mortified with my young BIL manners from a recent family gathering at my families home.
DH is one of 4, three of them are the most well mannered people you would ever meet. However there is a large age gap between them and the youngest brother who seems the issue.
They all have the same parents, who clearly must of done something correct with the first three children.
Examples of his bad manners from this weekend :
1)Burped on the table
2)Licked the plate clean
3)Doesn’t say please or thank you EVER. Even when I challenge him.
4)There was a cultural celebration, my family kindly ensured he was included with gifts he refused to get up and say thank you. When I pushed him to do so as I was mortified he just said “maybe if I got the same amount of money as the others I would have said thank you”. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
5)I explained to him before we went that culturally, the elders take their food first. Yes it might be backwards, but when you’re a guest at someone’s house you respect their rules. Well clearly not darling BIL who grabbed a whole platter of food, put it on his plate before everyone sat dow and when challenged that’s meant for everyone proudly said “we’ll your mum should of made more”.
6)Licked his knife, when my grandad explained that’s bad manners and could hurt himself, he licked it again.

My DH and I are so embarrassed, his mum just said “he’s young he doesn’t know”, surely that’s not an excuse I know toddlers that are more behaved. I’m worried about him entering adulthood without learning these manners as I just think they are so important in society/work/university/etc? I think we need to set some sort of intervention about his manners, my DH and siblings agree but the mum is adamant he will learn. Do say if I’m being dramatic and to just leave him.

The thought of him even going to university baffles me, his mum does everything for him. A conversation from when they were staying over.
Him: “Mum where is the towel”
MIL: “On your bed”
Him: “Where on my bed”
MIL: “On the right closest to the wall”
Him: “Where on the right side”
MiL: “At the bottom right corner by the feet of the bed”
Him: “I can’t find it”
MIL runs up to give it to him, it was right in front of him.

All his siblings at his age had to get part time jobs to pay for their social things, the thought of him having a job makes me laugh he wouldn’t be able to at all.

He plays the mental health card (I say card with my chest because the amount of money that has been poured into his therapy only for even the counsellor to say he’s admitted to him he’s fine and he thinks mental health is a joke)

Honestly I’m worried he’s just going to be a bum.

Nah. He will be at home with his mum, making her feel awful. He's never leaving her if he can help it.

He's not your problem to worry about though in reality.

It's up to his parents and to a far lesser degree your DH.

I think you need to step away from the drama tbh.

Put boundaries in place re: your family, visiting your home, presents etc and stick to them.

If he behaves badly in his home when you visit just ignore him. Grey rock - no reaction.

I'm sure he'll manage at Uni without his mum when he has to and will refine his behaviour when other students find him revolting and don't want to hang out with him. Basically when it's in his interests to remember his manners.

He sounds like he's getting a kick out of it, so don't give him fuel for his fire.

What does your DH think? I'd tell his family that in your house you expect your rules to be followed, and so what if they call you uptight, it's your house, you can tell them they all have to wear pink tiaras if that's what you want to do. But you're not asking that, you're asking that he observes basic table manners, says please and thank you, and that he is parented appropriately if he fails. IF they wont' agree to that, they don't visit your home.

Doesn't sound like bad manners to me. Sounds like purposeful defiance - he's going against you out of choice and to get a reaction.

Maybe he feels left out because of the large age gap?

OP - that sounds awful. From what you say, I would think it's more than just not having manners - he sounds deliberately offensive.

My teens, for example, had to be told 'Family Hold Back' at social events - let guests go first, don't take too much from the buffet, hand things round etc etc, but they were never obnoxious - just a bit socially inept and thoughtless sometimes.

I'd get your OH to deal with this problem, because it does sound like a problem and I'm sorry if your relations were upset by his behaviour.

Yesterday I observed a teen of this age actively try to injure younger female children at a park. So personally I'd be particularly concerned about his responses to you OP (assuming you're female). Male entitlement and violence against women and girls starts in childhood.

It's very unusual for a DC not to pick up on social norms and genuinely not to care what people think of him.

If he is NT, then his parents have done a terrible job of bringing him up.

It sounds like he's attention seeking and behaving his way on purpose.

The comment about the money - did he get less than everyone else? I wonder if he feels like the black sheep/left out and is playing up as a way of trying to hide his upset.

You mention Uni - is that what he wants? Is he buckling down academically? If not, it's possible he'll 'fail to launch' and double-down on the princeling position at home.

I'd be happy to be labelled a snob for not included him socially. It's a perfect time to disengage and set your own boundaries now.

Well I wonder why it is.

His parent excusing it with that he's young he doesn't know bullshit springs to mind.

I'd stop inviting him to any event where there's anyone else there apart from your household and his parents . And I'd be very clear why.