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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get the ICK from my parents

45 replies

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 04/09/2023 17:34

I saw a video on TikTok, but now can’t find it again, about someone saying they get ‘Ick’ from getting a lovely dovey birthday card from their mum. It resonated so much with me! I really wish I could find it again and listen to the persons explanation of why that feeling might arise.

I honestly get such a horrible feeling (an ICK is the best description I can manage) when I receive over the top lovey dovey messages from my parents. Interestingly this only happens in writing (birthday cards/texts etc) anyway. It just feels so fake and OTT and it makes me massively uncomfortable. My brother seems to feel the same. This is just with my parents and not my husband, friends and children etc.

I don’t have a good relationship with them so I guess that is why. The harder they t try the worse it is. I know it might sound ridiculous, but at times I feel a strong disgust when they try too hard.

Can anyone relate or offer explanations for why my response is so strong. just interested in peoples thoughts really.

OP posts:
Malapataraso · 04/09/2023 17:38

You don’t need anyone here to tell you why you respond this way, you have stated it quite clearly yourself:

“I don’t have a good relationship with them so I guess that is why. The harder they t try the worse it is. I know it might sound ridiculous, but at times I feel a strong disgust when they try too hard.”

MythosK · 04/09/2023 17:45

It's called cognitive dissonance.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 04/09/2023 17:47

There is a massive gap in the market for sensible family/partner birthday cards.

Greensleeves · 04/09/2023 17:48

It's because they use over-the-top gushing sentimentality as a way of resetting the narrative in their own favour. Everyone involved knows that they don't really feel any of it, it's a power grab and you're being made to participate in it. I used to feel like I needed a shower after any sort of "affection" from my mother, my skin felt like it was crawling with lies.

saraclara · 04/09/2023 17:50

My mum was borderline abusive (I don't know why iI'm saying borderline, she actually was) when I was a child and teenager. I couldn't wait to leave home and move away, and she showed very little interest after that.

Now, more than forty years later, I visit her in her care facility (her needs are only physical, she is still mentally sharp) and when I do she gets over sentimental and tells me how much she loves me. I can't wait to get out.

When she's had too much to drink she leaves messages like that on my answering service. Within a few words of it I hang up.

saraclara · 04/09/2023 17:51

I used to feel like I needed a shower after any sort of "affection" from my mother, my skin felt like it was crawling with lies.

Oh Jeeze. Yes. That.

BlueRidgeMountain · 04/09/2023 17:51

Yes! I hate over the top, lovey dovey sentimental cards, from anyone. There’s a massive gap in the market for sensible non-hallmark cards, that don’t make folk like us feel nauseous

Bonjovispjs · 04/09/2023 17:53

Oh, thank God its not just me. Can't stand all the cards from my Mum with the 'wonderful/special daughter' etc. I wasn't special enough to not have a shitty upbringing or be made to know that I never was and never will be the favourite golden child like my sister has always been and that i was only ever an inconvenience, I just want to rip these cards up.

saraclara · 04/09/2023 17:53

BlueRidgeMountain · 04/09/2023 17:51

Yes! I hate over the top, lovey dovey sentimental cards, from anyone. There’s a massive gap in the market for sensible non-hallmark cards, that don’t make folk like us feel nauseous

I don't think it's what's printed in the cards that OP is talking about. It's what her parents write in them.

Disappeared · 04/09/2023 18:02

It takes an age to find a plain old happy birthday mum card without all the gushy shite

idiotmagnet · 04/09/2023 18:02

Do you get like that when they try to fake-hug you at family events? I just can't do it.

JayJayEl · 04/09/2023 18:05

My twat of a Birth Father used to be really good at turning on the tears at times where he felt it would influence the outcome of the conversation/event. I haven't spoken to him for around 15 years now, but I still remember the way it used to make me feel. Like I needed to scratch my skin off and/or run away. For a long time I struggled to see any man cry, because it instantly made me remember his manipulation (am over that now, thank god!).

If you haven't had a particularly good relationship with your parents then it's understandable that you feel this way! I think it's the very definition of 'actions speak louder than words'.

Original poster
Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 04/09/2023 18:06

Yes i hate being hugged. I can feel myself lean away when they hug!

OP posts:
PurpleSproutingSomething · 04/09/2023 18:09

Disappeared · 04/09/2023 18:02

It takes an age to find a plain old happy birthday mum card without all the gushy shite

I just use Moonpig now, saves all the searching.

Original poster
Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 04/09/2023 18:09

Interesting to hear it’s a fairly common feeling. I knew I don’t like my parents and have a difficult relationship with them, just never really stopped to thing about how strong my yucky feeling is over their affection until I saw someone else describe it.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 04/09/2023 18:11

It's because the card represents what they want the world to think of them as parents where as you know that the words in the card are bullshit. The other people in your life genuinely love you and you feel that love so gushy cards from them will make you happy.

Original poster
Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 04/09/2023 18:16

What prompted me to write this post today was ….
We went on holiday last week (no idea why I agreed to holiday with them….it will never happen again). The week was, quite frankly, bloody awful. The vibes between my family, My parents and my sibling and their family were awful. Barely spent any time together and the time we were together was tense. Sibling snapping at my parents, commenting on parenting, mother being negative, father talking over everyone constantly. I left feeling awful and annoyed at myself for agreeing to it when I knew it would be miserable. ANYWAY - today my dad has send a disgustingly gushing message on WhatsApp about what a great time he had and how he loved spending time with us. Made me literally sneer with disgust. I just don’t get the purpose of it. We’ve all ignored it and I’m pretty sure no one will be replying.

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 04/09/2023 18:24

Thank god someone somewhere gets this!! My secret, that my mothers texts are a long line of how loved I am to the moon and back. Every. Single. One.
This is the same woman that left me to be beaten by my brother and father, brushed me away when I told her I had been sexually assaulted and said to stay away from him and not to swim again - I was eleven, and didn’t talk to me for nine months after I nearly died during major surgery siting it was too stressful for her to see me suffer so better to stop talking to me to preserve her well being.

I asked her to stop sending them, to send normal texts, she was offended. Stopped for one week and restarted.

They make me feel nauseous.

Sheraprincessofflower · 04/09/2023 18:25

My mum gives me the ick and I feel so guilty and awful for feeling that way. She didn’t always. I remember really loving her until possibly when my DC was around toddler age. I couldn’t tell you what prompted the feeling but just like when you get the ick with a partner, once I felt it, I couldn’t get rid of it. I really struggle in her company and the guilt is awful.

Disclaimer: she is quite narcissistic, hard work and has little sense of humour but likes to think she’s super close to DC and I despite not really being there. But she was always like that - I don’t know why the ick suddenly reared it’s head.

Original poster
Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 04/09/2023 18:28

@Sheraprincessofflower do you think it’s linked to having kids? I’ve put up with so much less and had much stronger boundaries since having my own children.

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 04/09/2023 19:30

I'm another that would like some more cards that represent the reality of the situation instead of twee 'Bestest ever Dad' shite.

Mine would be a Father's Day card for stepfather...

'You're a bit of a twat but thanks for not being a total psychopath like my biological Father'

BirdiePlantaganet · 04/09/2023 19:39

My kids and husband know enough to never give me cards with pre-printed slogans or messages. They have to be plain.

They are all very good at writing lovely things inside though and I appreciate that very much.

Mushroo · 04/09/2023 19:46

I really resonate, but it’s also mixed with guilt because they weren’t THAT bad in the grand scheme of things.

There was just a lot of shouting / passive aggressiveness in the house, and then I had to share a room with a step sibling at terrible ages for sharing (9 year age gap…) so I basically left for uni and never went back.

But generally, I had a decent childhood so I end up with the ick plus guilt.

largeprintagathachristie · 04/09/2023 19:47

My mother (now elderly) still puts on a show of what she thinks is “performance mothering” when other people are around. I have to be “shown off” as her “lovely daughter.”

The disconnect between that and reality - abusive childhood, kicked out at 16, has never shown an iota of interest in me, we don’t actually have any kind of a relationship- makes me extremely uncomfortable. The ick, indeed.

I live in a different country to her, so can kind of grit my teeth and get through the occasional visits - though they’re mentally exhausting.

Jifmicroliquid · 04/09/2023 19:49

I get the ick from a girl I know and her relationship with her parents. It’s plastered all over FB with “dad loves you so much my treasure” from her father (she’s in her mid to late twenties!) “mum is so proud of the beautiful and clever girl you are” from her mother.
I mean, lovely to have a relationship like that but I do think some things are best kept off social media!