To get the ICK from my parents

[Embarrassednamechangeadoddle]

I saw a video on TikTok, but now can’t find it again, about someone saying they get ‘Ick’ from getting a lovely dovey birthday card from their mum. It resonated so much with me! I really wish I could find it again and listen to the persons explanation of why that feeling might arise.

I honestly get such a horrible feeling (an ICK is the best description I can manage) when I receive over the top lovey dovey messages from my parents. Interestingly this only happens in writing (birthday cards/texts etc) anyway. It just feels so fake and OTT and it makes me massively uncomfortable. My brother seems to feel the same. This is just with my parents and not my husband, friends and children etc.

I don’t have a good relationship with them so I guess that is why. The harder they t try the worse it is. I know it might sound ridiculous, but at times I feel a strong disgust when they try too hard.

Can anyone relate or offer explanations for why my response is so strong. just interested in peoples thoughts really.

I’ve felt like this about my father most of my life - got to the stage where I found him plain repulsive - and always assumed I’m a really evil person, because it’s not as though he’s a wife beater or something. Had no idea anyone else felt like this.

This has really resonated with me. I can’t read lovey text messages from my mother and physically recoil when she tries to hug me. She wasn’t a horrible parent but she stayed with my father who was.

I now have my own children and that has complicated my feelings even more. She is an amazing and much loved grandmother to my kids but it highlights the resentment I feel for her not being there for me as a child

Im glad its not just me who feels like this! I dont know anyone else who does... until now!!
my partner loves watching me open my mothers over the top cards because I always pull a stupid face and throw it straight on the bin. I cant deal with the fakeness. When i buy her a card i try get something plain but have before got stuck and had to pull the inside out with all the over the top words about what a special mum she is... still had the line of glue on so was very obvious.. haha!

You have nailed it. My Mum used to only show physical affection when there was an audience.

To really ram our 'special' relationship, she would also cry and say " nobody's daughter and I are huggers aren't we?"

I have ptsd where I can smell her and feel a sticky residue from her.

Another one here who got the ick about my neglectful and narcissistic mother long before I knew the word 'ick', but she did physically repulse me once I got to mid teens and could see it was all a performance. Once I had kids I was shocked into realising how badly she'd behaved as I wouldn't ever put my dc in the dangerous situations she did. She ruined my graduation and my wedding. I went NC and years later I heard she'd died and I felt nothing but relief.

I’m not sure. I don’t remember such a visceral reaction to her when my son was a baby or a toddler - definitely from about 3 or 4 upwards though. Perhaps that is it though.

I love my parents, but also get the ick.

Was never really hugged as a child, Dad was distant and mum was a stressed mother of 4 in the 80s. Then, suddenly Mum started wanting to hug me when she left my house, maybe 3 or 4 years ago. I hate it!!

Since my sister died suddenly last year, it's even more "huggy" when she leaves and it makes me shudder. Which is weird as I am a touchy feels person, I hug my friends, my work colleagues, obviously my own children and husband. But Mum = ick.

Dad is less open like that, but says things like calling me Darling in an affectionate way and again, it creeps me out!!

I don't understand it, or my feelings but I take the hugs and the darlings for my parents sake.

I love my parents but yes, definitely since having my daughter I see so starkly how much I’m able to prioritise her secure base. It’s my main job in life and I find it incredibly fulfilling to see her growing into a secure, confident and happy child.

I’m lucky though because, unlike my parents when I was young, I have better mental health, more money, a husband to share the load with and a higher education. I try to remember what they sacrificed to allow me to go that bit further in the world. I’m grateful but I do get what you mean with the gushy stuff.

As a Mum of 20+ year olds we actually laugh if my card is too OTT. Absolutely no one is offended.I try and find cards that suit their personalities but definitely fail sometimes but it’s not a big trauma!!
My kids always get me cards that are hilarious ie be nice to me because I will be choosing your care home haha . Pigeon shit is a big moan for me because they are nesting above our front door..my 60th card was hilarious about pigeon shit from my 28year old 🤷‍♀️

I am a bit revolted by my parents. Have been for as long as I can remember. They were also abusive, and I was what I now know is the 'scapegoat' child. So perhaps no wonder. It always amazes me that my own teenaged child will quite happily get into my bed and cuddle up to show me something on her phone or watch a film with me - I would never, ever have done that, not in a million years.

My darling Mum wasn’t a hugger when growing up but she was when she hit 70 ish . Absolutely loved a hug from my Mum and got the best proper hug when she was 83..she died suddenly a few days later.

Different generation..

YANBU
My mum has never hugged me or told me she loves me etc as it’s just not her personality but every year she’ll post on Facebook some lovey dovey message about how much she loves me and what an amazing child and mother I am etc etc and it gives me the ick and also pisses me off me because it’s so fake!

Yep, I get it totally. I receive a Special Daughter card from my mother every year. She abandoned me to live in a filthy hoarding situation where I was severely neglected and also sexually abused. When I disclosed this she refused to believe me, did not remove me from the situation and is still in contact with my abuser. She also favoured her step daughters over me all my life. I maintain as much of a relationship as I can, visit 4 times a year, and phone once a month, but I bin the cards.

I’m like this with my mum but not at all with my dear dear late dad. I love and miss him so much and often cry my eyes out reading his emotive cards. I think it boils down to not having a good relationship.

PS you can go back through tiktok for your watch history in your settings!

So sorry. She doesn’t deserve you.

My mother is a psychopath/ narcissist. I am at a different part of the weird parent spectrum, but I absolutely understand the ick. There will never be gushing ,schmaltz stuff but to the outside world I am the luckiest woman in the world to have her as my mother. She did manage to utter the sentence" We're proud of you, you know" when I was 35. I'm 58 now and nothing affectionate has been uttered before or since. If an event is focused positively on my mother she is delightful to everyone in the room. If the event is neutral she is perfectly pleasant ( in a dead from the neck up way). If anyone says anything whatsoever that is complimentary or praising of me then God help me quite frankly. She didn't hug us for the whole of our lives, until my father died 8 years ago. She realised that,if she didn't hug us, she would never be touched by another human again. Its so un natural that I can almost feel the skin on my arms unpeeling itself and curling up like a roller blind to get away from the physical contact. When I leave her house I have to consciously think "hug mum" because its so icky to me. I absolutely get whatyou are saying

Seriously?! ‘Different generation’ covers and excuses a multitude of parenting fails does it? My mum was born in wartime and she would 100% have cuddled in bed with my gran when she was a young teenager. They were nothing special or different - just a very ordinary working class family - but they instinctively understood how to make their kids feel unconditionally loved.

My mum never cringed or ‘got the ick’ from cards or letters her parents sent - much the opposite in fact, she treasured them, as I do those from her (as OTT and sentimental as they are!). The empathy/understanding gap on this thread is astonishing. If the OP’s parents were generally shit and now send performatively gushy cards, of course it’s uncomfortable for her - because it’s all about them and their reframing of history, maybe combined with increasing age-related sentimentality, which must be hard to bear.

Cognitive dissonance, as someone’s mentioned. Not fucking Moonpig.

YANBU @Embarrassednamechangeadoddle

'Luckily' my mother doesn't even bother sending me birthday cards anymore, and when she did they weren't like that (I live in the UK, she lives in Oz).

Unfortunately my partner's mother does go in for that sort of thing and yes, it does make me feel ill. Sad, really.

@EnjoythemoneyJane Also in the 'never hugged' group...my Catholic mother made us attend mass every Sunday, and one particular one when I was about 17 the priest decided to mix it up and instead of us shaking the hand of the person next to us when the service got to the 'peace be with you, also with you' bit, we had to hug them. I was next to my mother, and I instinctively recoiled when she went to hug me...it was so alien to me! Didn't go down well, I can tell you!

About a decade ago I was rushing through Boots at Christmas time and I saw the cover of the 'Guess How Much I Love You' book ...and promptly burst into tears. A mother actually loving their kids is still so alien to me. I've two brothers and none of us have children of our own. My mother can't understand why, but as my favourite saying goes 'You reap what you sow'.

This post is great. I'm like this with my mum and have always felt guilty. Good to know I'm not alone.

With my dad however I loved his cards as I always believed them. I just got a tattoo of the message he put in my last ever birthday card