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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Living near grown-up DCs?

29 replies

Kangaroobrain · 04/09/2023 13:53

DH and I live in a beautiful part of the country - it was a great place to bring up our three DSs, who are now grown up and living successful lives elsewhere. The closest is over two hours away, the furthest lives abroad (v. good career there and unlikely to move back to the UK). I'm immensely proud of them, but they'll never move back into this area as there's nothing for them, it's largely rural / tourist (DH and I do specific professional jobs here, mostly WFH).

I love them all to bits and we speak / message almost every day, but don't physically see them very often. So I can't help feeling envious of friends and other family members who live near their kids and can regularly get together - most of the time it's just me and DH, and I do miss family life. I also worry this will be more of a problem as we get older (DH is a few years older than me). We're not originally from here so have no other family either, just a few friends our age (currently 50s/60s) so we'd have no one younger around us when we get older.

For example, my sister lives near our elderly DM and is able to provide her a lot of help and care, some quite personal. Her DD and DGC also live close, so they all have that assurance of proximity to family and someone to call.

AIBU to envy that of people and to worry about the future? Or should I just make the most of our lifestyle where we live? Touch wood we've staying healthy, so there's a lot to enjoy.

OP posts:

Lemmuffin · 04/09/2023 14:04

Unless you live in a big city centre / south East of England where can commute easy to London - this is likely to be the scenario for many people. In your case it seems this wouldn’t work anyway as one DC is abroad

Abeli · 04/09/2023 14:10

Yes I get it OP, we are 60s/70s so a little older than you.
My generation seldom moved far away and so had parents around when we had children and we were close by when parents were elderly.
My DC had many school friends who did trades instaed of uni and they have all remained in their home town.
My DC and all the others who went to uni now live all over the UK.
I am fairly lucky that one lives in the nearest city which is only half an hour away and the other is 90 minutes so I do see them. I can see one of them emigrating at some point though.
I don't think moving nearer to DC is the answer though. They might want to move on and there's a whole lot of potential for guilt there.
We have no plans to move, will stay put where at least we know everyone.

BeachHutCornwall · 04/09/2023 14:18

Make the most of your lifestyle

Mine moved away and I dont see them as much as I would like, but we make the most of the time we do have

I agree with the above poster, moving nearer to them is not the answer

LocalHobo · 04/09/2023 14:20

I'm not sure you can predict the future with any accuracy.
My niece is just in the process of returning to the UK after 21 years in Oz. My DMs best friends' DS has also returned from the US after 30+ years.
With the future of many jobs being remote, location will matter less and less, and the fact you live somewhere beautiful makes it a more attractive prospect, particularly when bringing up DC.
. It may be your Grandchildren come to stay for weeks during the school hols and you get more quality time with them than you sister does acting as a childminder weekly.
Having said that, I think you should concentrate on having a fun life so you and DH are seen as being absolutely the best option for a visit when your DSs fancy a trip away.

CustomCupboard · 04/09/2023 14:26

Do any of your children have their own children yet OP?

If/when they do, they may want to spend more time with you due to the grandchildren - even the one who lives abroad.

So this may be a lull period for you and DH - the calm before the storm, if you like!

Original poster

Kangaroobrain · 04/09/2023 14:46

CustomCupboard · 04/09/2023 14:26

Do any of your children have their own children yet OP?

If/when they do, they may want to spend more time with you due to the grandchildren - even the one who lives abroad.

So this may be a lull period for you and DH - the calm before the storm, if you like!

No, one is married but no GCs yet, although I also worry that when/if they do we won't see the GCs very often - that particular DS lives 5 hours away in the south east. However I've no desire to move near them as it's very expensive and would mean a considerable downsize, to say the least.

The other two are unlikely to have kids any time soon for a variety of reasons (the one abroad is actually very unlikely to ever have them).

I think as the PP said our situation is pretty common nowadays, in the way that just a few decades ago it was far less so - people stayed more local to their families and multi-generational households were more normal.

Maybe it's just that the grass is always greener, but I do worry that social care in this country isn't up to the job, and that those with their DCs closer by will fare better. 🫤

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 04/09/2023 14:48

Even if you moved your DC may well move again. Would reflect on whether your current location would work should one or both of you develop health issues, and if it would would just stay if it’s working OK for you.

gingercat02 · 04/09/2023 14:55

I left home for uni at 18 to another UK country. Since I started work (in a third UK country), I have moved town/city 6 times in 30 years.
My brother lived at home until he was 27, worked for my Dad, and still lives 30 mins from where we grew up. He still has his friends from 5 years old.
My parents retired to Spain and when my mum was widowed she moved 2 streets from me.
There is no guarantee where you will end up.

girlfriend44 · 04/09/2023 17:03

Your doing an awful.lot of worrying about nothing op.

Enjoy your life with your hubby/partner while you can, tomorrow is never guaranteed.

Lemmuffin · 04/09/2023 17:59

Agree - awful lot of worrying! Yes social care is bad in the UK…but …You might not need social care? And even if you did and lived near DC what makes you think they’d care for you? They’d have their own lives and jobs?

KnutonHardz · 04/09/2023 18:21

I can imagine it's very difficult. I'm on the other side of that situation. I'm currently home in Northern Ireland to help out with my father illness, but my siblings all moved away, and none will move back "home". We have extended family in the area for my father, and my brother has a holiday home about 10 miles away, but that's not the same as being here full-time. My DH (from England) did try live here, but really didn't like it, and very limited opportunities ( we're both in tech area).

Enjoy what you have 🙂 who knows what will happen in the future!

LadyBird1973 · 04/09/2023 18:21

I say stay where your friends are and enjoy your life. It's hard to make good friends when you move as it takes years to build genuine 'help you to bury a body' mates.

Also you shouldn't move in the assumption your child will look after you when you're old. It's too much pressure to put on them - they may want relocate for work or to pursue their own dreams or just not be cut out to do the level of personal care that your sister did for your mum. Looking after you in old age isn't something you should rely on them being able to do. And there no certainty you'd even need it. Don't give up a great life now, for potential future issues.

I think if all your kids were rooted in one area it might make sense to move but yours sound spread out and without children they aren't tied to schools in the places where they currently live.

I'd think about this a lot later on tbh.

UsingChangeofName · 04/09/2023 23:03

I think if you do decide to move, then doing it when you are young enough to get out and about a make a new life fore yourself is the time to do it, rather than waiting until you feel you need support.
However I think if you uproot yourselves and move near one ds, what happens if he, or later him and his family, get the opportunity to move to a different part of the Country ? I wouldn't want to feel I'd restricted what any of my dc can do with their lives, by imposing myself upon them.

I do think it makes sense, once you are in your 60s, to future proof yourself by moving to places you can manage without a car, for example. But balanced against that, it is difficult to be in a new part of the country, without having got to know many people, and suddenly hoping for help and support, with no known community around you.

Original poster

Kangaroobrain · 05/09/2023 06:37

Yes, I think that's the problem we're facing. Where we live now, although lovely, has very few facilities. Our nearest shop is a 10min drive and there's nothing else here. We have some friends but many people we've known have moved away over the years, and we lost touch with quite a few thanks to lockdown and increased WFH. In fact I would say that DH has no friends of his own here now since two of his closest colleagues/ friends have gone (in the sector we both work in, fixed term contracts are usual).

It doesn't seem to bother him so much, but I'm starting to feel very isolated. There are also other issues with our house, so we have to decide whether to commit to where we are and buy another house here, or possibly try living elsewhere. We have friends/ family all over, so nowhere is the obvious choice, but 'future proofing' is definitely on my mind.

OP posts:

devildeepbluesea · 05/09/2023 06:41

Make the most of your life! Good friends of my parents moved to be near their only son and his family. They left the village they’d lived in all their lives to start in a new place. The son split with his wife, and she moved away with their grandchild so they saw very little of them after all, and never really settled in the new place. They looked into going home but by then they were priced out of the house market there. They’re both dead now, but I often feel so sad that their retirement had been so disappointing and lonely.

Doidontimmm · 05/09/2023 06:47

I live 10 mins from my parents and no way will I be doing any caring duties I’m afraid, it’s just not in me.

Id enjoy life just now and think again nearer retirement!

milveycrohn · 05/09/2023 07:09

A friend moved to be near her married DD, but then the DD's job took her away to another city, much further away, leaving my friend in a new place starting again with making friends.
So take that into account if you ever decide to move nearer to DC, that life changes and there is no guarantee that they will always be in the same place.
Secondly, never rely on DC for caring duties. They will have their own lives to lead, possibly with their own children.
My advice, make lots of new friendship groups, and join lots of things, and make your own life as interesting as possible.
Then when your DC call, you have lots of interesting topics to talk about.

ChimChimeny · 05/09/2023 07:50

From me going to uni I then always lived 1.5/2 hours away from my mum, she always lived 2 hours from her mum & the toll of travelling to see her was hard, so when she could my mum sold her house & moved 5 mins walk from me.
We have good busses & she's currently building an extension to inc downstairs shower room to future proof as PP said.
My brother lives abroad and unlikely to return so my mum wanted to be near me, easy for her to.move as she didn't have goes to our old area.

PicaK · 05/09/2023 08:01

When I lived in London I spoke to my mum every day - I thought moving closer to home would make us even closer but it didn't. Physical proximity doesn't mean increased closeness. It's easy not to ring cos you see them frequently. Somehow you stop talking about the bigger things.
Stay where you are. Put plans in place for physical frailness while you still have control and choice - before it becomes a rush eg move to a bungalow etc.
Travel in retirement.
Nearby parents don't always offer help. When you adopt you have to think about who your support network is and whether they give practical or emotional support - and they drum into you that the emotional support is just as important. A parent cheering you on, reassuring you you've got this, saying you're amazing parents but I'll book a babysitter if you want to go out for a haircut etc is important.
And having kids nearby doesn't mean you'll be looked after.

RhymesWithTangerine · 05/09/2023 08:09

You must not plan your old age intending that your DC will provide care for you. They may not - and you should not want them to.

Plan that you can live well, in the right home, with proper funds. It sounds as though a move into a town would be a good idea.

Dora33 · 05/09/2023 08:44

Would moving near your sister and DM be an option? What are the towns like near them? You would then be able to help your sister to care for your DM and see your sister more.
Would that location be closer to your children?

FarmGirl78 · 05/09/2023 11:04

Lemmuffin · 04/09/2023 14:04

Edited

Give over you're being daft. In my experience it's the COMPLETE opposite.

Couples with high-flying city jobs, professionals, business owners, etc did the "city" thing (Manchester, Leeds, Liverpool, Newcastle) in their 20s and early 30s and then around 35 are having children and moving back into the suburbs and more rural areas to be closer to their parents, mainly for childcare and establishing stronger relationships between their growing small children and Grandparents. That's what I typically see amongst my friends, and also friends old enough to be Grandparents themselves.

Lemmuffin · 05/09/2023 11:41

@FarmGirl78 OP mentioned how there is nothing in the area as rural or tourist trade. So yes if her DC work in tourist trade or are farmers sounds perfect…otherwise not.

Surburbs as you mention are commutable to the cities - aka jobs. OP doesn’t live in the suburbs - completely different.

Batatahara · 05/09/2023 11:59

FarmGirl78 · 05/09/2023 11:04

Give over you're being daft. In my experience it's the COMPLETE opposite.

Show quote history

I know some people who have done this but just as many for whom city life isn't a phase. We never intend to leave London to live closer to family

LadyBird1973 · 05/09/2023 12:19

Given you are feeling isolated, there'd be no harm in moving somewhere more connected, where you'd be able to access the necessary facilities easily. But I really wouldn't choose the same place as an adult dc unless you genuinely liked and wanted to live there, even if your dc wasn't in that area.

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