Living near grown-up DCs?

[Kangaroobrain]

DH and I live in a beautiful part of the country - it was a great place to bring up our three DSs, who are now grown up and living successful lives elsewhere. The closest is over two hours away, the furthest lives abroad (v. good career there and unlikely to move back to the UK). I'm immensely proud of them, but they'll never move back into this area as there's nothing for them, it's largely rural / tourist (DH and I do specific professional jobs here, mostly WFH).

I love them all to bits and we speak / message almost every day, but don't physically see them very often. So I can't help feeling envious of friends and other family members who live near their kids and can regularly get together - most of the time it's just me and DH, and I do miss family life. I also worry this will be more of a problem as we get older (DH is a few years older than me). We're not originally from here so have no other family either, just a few friends our age (currently 50s/60s) so we'd have no one younger around us when we get older.

For example, my sister lives near our elderly DM and is able to provide her a lot of help and care, some quite personal. Her DD and DGC also live close, so they all have that assurance of proximity to family and someone to call.

AIBU to envy that of people and to worry about the future? Or should I just make the most of our lifestyle where we live? Touch wood we've staying healthy, so there's a lot to enjoy.

I don't think that you can assume that your children are going to provide what you describe as "quite personal" care in old age, even if you move closer.

This is particularly the case if you didn't do a lot of care for your parents, given that you both moved away from where you grew up - and also given that you don't seem half as bothered about spending time with them or even caring for potential grandchildren, as you do about them being able to help you out.

I'm on the other side of this. My parents, who are in their 80s, were adamant they want to stay in the rural area they've lived in for years because of their friends.

However, it's been a nightmare as any change they've made has been because of some sort of crisis and I can see the crisis driven decision making going on until DM dies, which could be another 10+ years; having to drop everything and head down there has taken a massive toll on the rest of the family.

My DF is in a care home now and the only one my DM liked and they could get a space in is a 20 minute drive away; she still drives but not in the dark, which is difficult in winter. DM also complains about being lonely but firmly expects the burden of travel to fall on everyone else unless there's something she particularly wants to do or visit (like she can get about, she'd just prefer not to).

Before DF was in the home it was a long wait if he had a health crisis and needed an ambulance, we went through several months of him being in and out of hospital and accessing healthcare was a big worry.

They had friends in the bigger town 30 minutes up the road which is a short drive to the hospital, closer to me and my sibling, and much better options for residential care. They could have futureproofed things by moving there 10-15 years ago. But it's more difficult for them to move now.

Id have a look at what services are like in your area vs other areas you might want to move to and go from there. Having a realistic idea of what your life will be like as you get older would be really beneficial - nobody can predict the future but it's not unrealistic to plan for mobility problems, increased healthcare needs and so on.

Gosh, what a lot of judgemental assumptions you're making, given that I haven't mentioned any of the circumstances involved over the years. There's always one... 🙄

Oh, and for the record, my mentioning personal care was not because I'd eventually and automatically expect that from any of my DSs (of course I wouldn't) it was just to illustrate the difference between us and families who are in more multi-generational situations like my sister's. For example, the kind of thing I'm talking about is occasions like taking my elderly disabled mother out for the day (which I do whenever I visit) and taking her to the toilet. Without someone to do this she wouldn't be able to go anywhere. That's also a benefit of having daughters as well I suppose, but that's another issue entirely!

But I completely agree with PPs that say we should try and future proof but not assume anything. Life is for living.

Also, I'd like to add that my original post was more about missing family life, but perhaps that didn't come across properly.