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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this the worst idea?

36 replies

WhatToDooooooooo · 04/09/2023 12:34

Name changed. TLDR: should I have a second baby with a man that I think I might divorce?

My DH (30) and I(35, together 6 yrs, married 3) are not in a good place. If I am honest, I think our marriage is on its last legs. Nothing abusive, just the typical, him not doing enough (in my eyes), me growing resentful, him growing resentful of my resentment, and all of a sudden we don’t really like or respect each other anymore. It is difficult to see us making it through the next year.

We have one child, a toddler, whose arrival was kind of the catalyst for the turn things took. Again, the typical, you can’t imagine the changes that parenthood brings to your life but I decided to roll with it and my husband decided to try to keep his old life. I love my child more than anything but I am desperate for more. I have always wanted a big family, and with my age I know its not realistically on the cards anymore, but I feel I will always regret not having at least two. I want a sibling for my child, and I want another small person in my life. I feel so strongly about this that I think if my husband and I were to split up, I would not hesitate to start trying to conceive on my own with donor sperm.

So here’s the question: is it the worst idea to just try to conceive with my DH now, knowing we will likely break up in the near to medium term?
Obviously I would not do this without his informed consent (we are both aware of how rocky things are right now).

Some cons I can see right now:
-single parenthood. But this is likely to be my reality anyways. Granted, it will be hard with a toddler and baby, but others have done this and survived.
-putting more strain on our marriage. We are pretty much at breaking point, and I don’t think this is going to be the final straw.
-stress during pregnancy and newborn period. Whether we split up or stay together, things are pretty stressful right now. However, I don’t feel I have a lot of time to wait until things get less stressful.
-financial. This is a big one. I am currently not making very much money, in my view largely because my husband hasn’t given me any time to make progress in my career. (I was working on contract, which didn’t get renewed after our child arrived, and I haven’t had time or space to really invest in finding something else.) I also don’t know if I can trust my husband to play fair in a divorce, when I brought our house deposit and about 80% of our mortgage payments into the equation. Short term I have some savings I could use and family to rely on, but I don’t know what my housing situation would look like (i.e. whether I could afford to buy again or whether I would be renting), or what my job prospects are. However, again, this is the same with one kid or two and I don’t have a lot of time to wait and figure this aspect out.
-???

Some pros:
-a sibling for my child. We don’t have a typical lifestyle and I feel strongly that my child needs someone in their life who gets them. I know there’s no guarantee they will be friends, but I think there’s value in not being completely alone in the world. A donor conceived sibling might not have that same bond or understanding.
-financial. It would save me £££ in sperm donor and IUI fees.
-fewer baby daddies=fewer complications
-I really feel I need another child
-obviously, fertility. The longer I wait (for finances to improve, for the future with my husband to get clearer, to find Mr Right), the less chance I have to conceive.

Please be kind. I am really looking for advice here. I feel so powerless in my situation - unable to convince husband to share the load, unable to find well paying work, unable to plan for the future. I‘m really trying to figure out whee to go from here.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 04/09/2023 12:35

Please don't bring another child into this. Sort your marriage out either way first.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 04/09/2023 12:38

I can't see how that is a good idea.

roarrfeckingroar · 04/09/2023 12:40

Umm I did this. She's 7 months and XP has just moved out. Our elder child is 3.

We are good friends and co parents. I won't have other children and neither will he (he's getting a vasectomy; definitely doesn't want any more) so no risk of my babies feeling pushed out in future. They have each other too as an only child I have no regrets. Everyone is happy.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2023 12:41

Tossing another baby into this mess is not in the best interests of your existing child. The turmoil of a crumbling marriage is already enough stress in their little life.

Going forward, you really need to think if having another baby is what's best for your child.

Nevermind31 · 04/09/2023 12:43

Marriage isn’t going to improve with a newborn. Nursery x 2 is pretty expensive. You don’t have financial independence, which will be hard with 1, never mind 2…

WandaWonder · 04/09/2023 12:45

Do you honestly think adding another to this benifots anyone but yourself?

There is not one single thing that makes me think this is a great idea and I don't care if there is some rule that says we have to agree to anything a op says because of some collective thing

cruffinsmuffin · 04/09/2023 12:46

I genuinely think this sounds like a terrible idea, but our opinions don't change anything - you said you wouldn't do anything without his informed consent, so are you genuinely going to say to him you want a divorce but want another baby first? Surely even 100 people posting on here telling you they've done it and it's fab doesn't matter how if he's not interested in entertaining the thought and going ahead?

I wouldn't bring a child into the world knowing you're going to separate and let them live a life of 2 homes, separated parents etc especially when you've already got to consider the child you already have.

Fire9636 · 04/09/2023 12:48

I think I’d sort out your career prospects and potential exit plan and then if you really need to consider having another baby. But be under no illusion you will be inviting potential chaos into your life with the added pressure

also the turmoil of the situation could negatively impact the child you already have and could create resentment to their sibling. Siblings are not guranteed friends

AllyCart · 04/09/2023 12:49

This sounds like a terrible idea.

You've already alluded to not being able to fund your living expenses if you split, so why on earth would you make things even worse by deliberately bringing another child into the mess.

yellowsmileyface · 04/09/2023 12:50

To be blunt, I think your reasons for wanting another baby are quite selfish. Pretty much all of the pros relate to why it would be good for you to conceive right now.

What your current child needs more than a sibling is stability. For them to adjust to a newborn and their parents divorcing is a lot for one child to take.

Lulubo1 · 04/09/2023 12:51

Sorry, but that's not fair on your current child and the potential new child. Bringing a new life into the world while yours is currently a mess is rather selfish.

pollykitty · 04/09/2023 12:54

You want some advice: don’t do it. Your reasons do not add up and just sound justification for your selfishness of ‘wanting another’. What you want is your husband to fund another and leave you be. Why on earth would any man agree to this. There is nothing wrong with having an only child and the argument that he/she needs a sibling always sound flat to me. There is no guarantee they will be close or even like each other.

LimeCheesecake · 04/09/2023 12:57

Realistically at 35 and not rich, this is the only way you’re going to have another dc.

but it also ties you more to your husband, and makes life single harder and more expensive.

if your dc is a toddler, you’ve only got a couple of years to school meaning cheaper childcare, more time, less intense parenting. The stage it’s easier to retrain/restart career. A second child knocks you back longer before you are able to be financially independent.

You and your husband would possibly benefit from counselling.

Crunchymum · 04/09/2023 12:59

It's not ideal is it?

I mean how are you going to manage (financially as well as emotionally and practically) if your DH doesn't play fair.

Will he even agree to this?

Yes, lots of people end up in this situation [I am on my own with 3 DC] but very few people choose it. It's fucking hard.

Original poster
WhatToDooooooooo · 04/09/2023 13:02

I appreciate the replies I'm getting so far. For more context, my parents divorced when I was a kid. It was sad but not traumatic. As a teen I actually appreciated having two homes as an opportunity to get a break from certain relationships. I definitely think it was better that my parents divorced, for everyone.

I have siblings and, while I am not particularly close to them, I have really appreciated being able to have someone(s) to relate to the particular brand of crazy that is our family.

These experiences are all feeding in to my feelings about adding a second child.

I also want to say that I'm not destitute (and not looking for my husband to fund my lifestyle as one poster said), but obviously would be financially better off with two earners in the household. I'm also not in the UK so nursery costs are not as big of a consideration.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatToDooooooooo · 04/09/2023 13:03

And I've already had this talk with my DH and he has agreed.

OP posts:
whereisthecheese · 04/09/2023 13:06

Be absolutely certain you can manage this financially, especially if DH decides to pay less than you expect.

And then, yeah - with informed consent from DH I don't think it's such a bad idea.

Goldbar · 04/09/2023 13:14

Going against the grain... If you both want to be the parents of two children, not one, and you're going into it with your eyes open, then personally I don't think it's the worst idea in the world (which is what you asked).

Yes, you're not dealing your child the absolutely best cards in life (a stable home, two parents who love each other etc.) but life is not always straightforward and there are many people who go ahead and have children in less than ideal circumstances.

The finances would be what I'd look at. How will you make it work financially and provide both your DC with a decent quality of life?

To put it in context, if you were a single woman of, say, 38-40, debating whether or not to have a child/children alone, and you could afford it, people would definitely tell you that it's your choice whether or not to go for it. There would be much less judgement.

And people are funny about siblings on MN. There are pros and cons to having siblings, just as there are pros and cons to being an only child, and you can't guarantee a harmonious sibling relationship, but generally I think most people I know would say that their siblings add (or at least added, growing up) something to their lives.

Fire9636 · 04/09/2023 13:21

I think from your update you just need to make your own decision then and not come to a forum asking for opinions. Every experience is different some people do find divorce traumatic you didn’t. Some people hate their siblings you don’t. No one can make the decision for you. To me the situation sounds less than ideal and to put your own desires over the well-being of the child you had is less than ideal. But you don’t see it that way which is fair enough as it’s your life

tara66 · 04/09/2023 13:23

No I do not think you should have another child. You are thinking only of what you want.

Leftinlimbo · 04/09/2023 13:29

I think you are under-estimating the impact of having a second child. There is no guarantee your children will get on well together. Having one child as a single parent is hard, having two does make a significant difference. I wouldn't recommend it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/09/2023 13:37

Dealing with the awareness of the ticking clock is always hard and you have my sympathy for that.

And it's not wrong to think about what you yourself want and whether it's possible. Your issue here is going to be considering the impact on your DH and existing child too and whether it would actually possible to have an amicable outcome. Only you know the answer to that.

I think I read that you discussed this with DH and he agrees - that changes the equation especially If you think the two of you could co-parent amicably and you have a career you can return to and earn your own money and have family support.

I can see the pull to give your existing child a sibling is a strong one. You can't predict their future relationship but if it is your goal that they should have a good relationship, in my experience whether siblings like each other has a lot to do with how their parents treat them and how they are brought up - so that would be something to consider.

It is a difficult one, but be really sure before you embark.

BlackberryCrumbs · 04/09/2023 13:37

In your shoes I'd do it.

Step parenting is not for me, nor would arranging contact with more than one man for dc be. I've seen too many messy examples of both. So, had dh and I split up at any point, I'd not have had further dc with anyone else.

With that knowledge, yes I'd have stayed with dh and had another if I only had one dc.

Apparently an unpopular position though given previous responses!

bonzaitree · 04/09/2023 13:41

Would he go to counselling?

Devilsmommy · 04/09/2023 13:43

I think it's pretty obvious that bringing a baby in to this situation would be a really shitty thing to do, sorry but if you know you're probably going to divorce then why do it?

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