Is this the worst idea?

[WhatToDooooooooo]

Name changed. TLDR: should I have a second baby with a man that I think I might divorce?

My DH (30) and I(35, together 6 yrs, married 3) are not in a good place. If I am honest, I think our marriage is on its last legs. Nothing abusive, just the typical, him not doing enough (in my eyes), me growing resentful, him growing resentful of my resentment, and all of a sudden we don’t really like or respect each other anymore. It is difficult to see us making it through the next year.

We have one child, a toddler, whose arrival was kind of the catalyst for the turn things took. Again, the typical, you can’t imagine the changes that parenthood brings to your life but I decided to roll with it and my husband decided to try to keep his old life. I love my child more than anything but I am desperate for more. I have always wanted a big family, and with my age I know its not realistically on the cards anymore, but I feel I will always regret not having at least two. I want a sibling for my child, and I want another small person in my life. I feel so strongly about this that I think if my husband and I were to split up, I would not hesitate to start trying to conceive on my own with donor sperm.

So here’s the question: is it the worst idea to just try to conceive with my DH now, knowing we will likely break up in the near to medium term?
Obviously I would not do this without his informed consent (we are both aware of how rocky things are right now).

Some cons I can see right now:
-single parenthood. But this is likely to be my reality anyways. Granted, it will be hard with a toddler and baby, but others have done this and survived.
-putting more strain on our marriage. We are pretty much at breaking point, and I don’t think this is going to be the final straw.
-stress during pregnancy and newborn period. Whether we split up or stay together, things are pretty stressful right now. However, I don’t feel I have a lot of time to wait until things get less stressful.
-financial. This is a big one. I am currently not making very much money, in my view largely because my husband hasn’t given me any time to make progress in my career. (I was working on contract, which didn’t get renewed after our child arrived, and I haven’t had time or space to really invest in finding something else.) I also don’t know if I can trust my husband to play fair in a divorce, when I brought our house deposit and about 80% of our mortgage payments into the equation. Short term I have some savings I could use and family to rely on, but I don’t know what my housing situation would look like (i.e. whether I could afford to buy again or whether I would be renting), or what my job prospects are. However, again, this is the same with one kid or two and I don’t have a lot of time to wait and figure this aspect out.
-???

Some pros:
-a sibling for my child. We don’t have a typical lifestyle and I feel strongly that my child needs someone in their life who gets them. I know there’s no guarantee they will be friends, but I think there’s value in not being completely alone in the world. A donor conceived sibling might not have that same bond or understanding.
-financial. It would save me £££ in sperm donor and IUI fees.
-fewer baby daddies=fewer complications
-I really feel I need another child
-obviously, fertility. The longer I wait (for finances to improve, for the future with my husband to get clearer, to find Mr Right), the less chance I have to conceive.

Please be kind. I am really looking for advice here. I feel so powerless in my situation - unable to convince husband to share the load, unable to find well paying work, unable to plan for the future. I‘m really trying to figure out whee to go from here.

I am in the same position as you (one three year old, garbage relationship that turned garbage after DC, really wanted two) but honestly think that it's a terrible idea. I've stopped at one rather than potentially bring another child into a shit situation.

Horrible and selfish idea.

If you and you husband are in agreement on this (conceiving, and then splitting up), why are you asking anyone else?

My friend did something similar.

The difference is that her first child was much older (6) and already used to the 'setup'. Which is, parents co-habit in a beautiful home and get along as companions. They each have their own bedroom and this is all their children have known.

They do things as a family still like holidays, trips out etc, and are friends. It's not a very conventional set up and I don't know if it would be for me, but it works for them.

I honestly think it's a better idea than having a baby with donor sperm. Because then the youngest sibling wouldn't have a dad and your older one would, and that seems more unfair and selfish to me.

I'd say don't do it but mainly because you can't afford to.

If you split it's much more expensive with another child in the mix and you without any kind of job. If you do split it's better to have a job than another baby - you won't have any extra time to look for a job doing the same things as now but plus an extra child.

No, don't be so selfish. Think about the child you have and provide the best life you can for them - by leaving your partner.

I'm going to go against the grain here. The situation (whichever way it goes) is not going to be ideal - obviously.

You want another child, a sibling for your toddler. I understand this. I had a lot of trouble conceiving my second child, and my sadness was for my existing child, not for myself - I really wanted them to have a sibling and not be alone. I do get that aspect of what you're saying. Also at 35, it would cause lots of turmoil for you and your child were you to start actively searching for another life-partner in time to have a second child with him.

You think that your marriage is over, but clearly your partner isn't the worst - not violent or abusive - you've just grown apart, the spark has gone and there's low-level resentment on both sides. As far as I can understand from your post, he's not a bad father. But if you did both agree to have another child either before or after you amicably split, as far as I can see, this would result in a much less complicated situation with both children having the same father (and extended family) than if you started another relationship just with the view to having another child.

I know this will seem shocking to some, but if your priority is to have a sibling for your child and you think you could continue to have a good working relationship (for co-parenting) with your husband/soon to be ex-husband, then I think it would be the lesser of two difficult scenarios.

I was a single parent when ex husband upped and left when baby was a few months old.
You have no idea how difficult it is to be a single parent and trying to build positive relationships for your child. Many many many times I used to be grateful I only had one child to consider. I still stand by this it was very tough.

He's agreed to what, exactly?

Just to flip the perspective a minute...why would you expect him to play fair in a divorce when you're actively planning to land him with child support payments and (presumably) partial custody for another 18 years?

Do you not think he might have a bit of a problem with how shady that is?

I am recently separated and have 2 kiddos, when we split DS was 2 and DD 5. Things were rocky and we thought we had fixed things with counselling and were in a better place and so decided to have another child. He then had an affair and became increasingly difficult.

I adore my two and they get on well but my life would be much easier if I only had one. If they are different genders you need separate bedrooms and so mortgage or rent is more in the longer term. Their needs are quite different and it’s hard to entertain the little one during the older ones activities, or drag him home for 20/30 mins only to leave to get her. The older one is always waiting her turn as little one demands a lot of attention. They are wonderful but 2 on your own is hard - even things like friends birthday parties, parents evenings etc. If you think you can be amicable then it would be easier but it can be really hard with 2 small ones.