I hate being a mum and want to disappear

[UnusualPits]

This has happened in the last week. Before then I was genuinely ok, reasonably happy, had it all together, enjoyed time with DS and mentally felt ok. Since his birth I’d probably had around 5 tricky days and that’s it. I knew I was fortunate and knew it might not last but it really was quite easy and I am not sure what’s changed. I am now seeing that these first few months I was incredibly lucky to have found it so easy. I am not a lone parent but it feels like I am. Ds was the product of a v v short relationship of a year and was unplanned. Ex DP agreed he wanted ds but has done very little in the way of help practically. If I am being honest I went ahead with it as I wanted a baby and in my hormonal state it felt ‘meant to be’ as I have never missed a pill in my life. I was 35 when I had him and also felt like I would have struggled to get over terminating at that age.

This morning I just want to run away. Got up at 6am, as I have done for the last 10 months.

Fed ds, he was sick everywhere, all over the high chair. Lots of crying.

Took him for a bath. That was ok. Then he gets out and screaming continues.

Put him down to play while I do his milk, after a couple of minutes crying starts. Feed him the milk. Put him down to make a tea and he’s got a dirty nappy. Change his nappy. Put him back down to try and get some water and crying continues. All before 7:30am.

He is more settled now and I’ve had a drink but I don’t get any peace unless I leave him to whinge to himself a bit which is probably really awful?! I KNOW this is usual baby stuff. I just keep dreaming of another life. I love ds obviously and I can’t really imagine life without him now, if he wasn’t here I would always want life with him in it and would still be wanting a child as I had done for the last ten years. But I have gone from feeling pretty serene to just hating life. I hate that I have no help (parents v old), I hate that I will probably never have a lie in again for years. I hate that this has aged me so much. I hate not being able to eat properly or clean the house properly. I hate being on demand 24/7. I hate the whinging. I hate the crying. I hate the constant needs non stop. I hate the restrictive days and how I can’t nip out anywhere. I hate the lack of exercise. I hate that even though you CAN make life easier it costs lots of money - ready made food pouches, constant days out etc for entertainment. I don’t understand how I’ve gone from managing to this?? I hate everything.

Emotions come and go, even this will pass.

If you are alone completely all night and day - is there anyone you can call on to give you a bit of a ‘responsibility break’? Mum, sister, friend?

I used to go to church and a couple came around a few times to sit with the baby for an hour and I went upstairs for a sleep.

You might not be in the frame of mine right now but establishing a regular routine for the dad to come over and look after your ds is also important for everyone.

When you feel so crushed like this - put your baby in a pram and go out for a walk. Just a little chat or a hello with some random can help change the record in your mind.

See if there is a buggy fit class - I used to do this three times a week on maternity leave. It was great socially and for exercise and feeling as if not everything was about my baby but also getting some endorphins flowing.

I also went to church run toddler groups because there was always lovely older ladies who would want to hold my baby.

You are such a lovely mother and your son is so lucky to have got you. And you are in a very tough situation- look as much as possible to let people in to help.

@Cherryana thanks. I don’t have anyone around to help really. I feel awful as he’s not had a nice morning, I’ve not engaged much with him and just tried to get through the morning. I feel like an awful parent and not sure I was cut out for this at all.

Sometimes you just have to do what you can to get through the day - very young children and babies are relentless! I did not feel like I was cut out for it either, oh how I remember those days! I remember taking ds to a soft play creche just so he could safely play on his own in a confined space while I did nothing but sit on the floor and rest my eyes....I remember saying to DH, what have we done?
Consider taking him out to the local library and getting some books, the park, toddler groups and I really found it helped to have a daily routine so there weren't just endless hours stretching ahead of me each day.
Now he's a teenager and it all seems like a very distant memory, we're really close because of all that time spent together when he was young. It will be worth it I promise it's just those first couple years that are so hard.

Contact Homestart, a volunteer network for helping parents.
Also contact your local Health Visitor and tell them how u are feeling. They will be used to parents feeling the way you do - most of us have been in the same situation.
My youngest one is 10 and i vividly remember how awful I felt, the sheer relentless of parenting.
It will pass, get the support you need now and then it will be a memory, I promise u x

When will it pass? @itsmyp4rty @timetogoawa ?

I just feel like I’m letting him down so much. I don’t want to spend more time with him. I have nothing to give.

Contact homestart, I have friends who have used them and found it a total lifesaver. They buddy you up with a volunteer who can build a relationship with and they help out and give you a break. In my area they do meet ups too so you can make friends with mums in similar situations.

How old is he?
I was in a perfectly happy marriage but still hated this bit. I lasted four months, outsourced it to nursery and went back to work pt. tInstantly felt 100% better. DC2 went at five months. Twenty years on, all bonded just fine and no regrets.

Firstly, massive big hugs to you. Please contact your GP. Postnatal depression can hit at any time within a year of giving birth. I struggled HARD and felt like you did. I had my DD then we moved 150miles away from friends and family to our new home. It was hard as I had no one to help me. I wanted to run away and cried that I was "on-call" at all hours every day, I felt like I couldn't cope and had no control. My GP was fantastic and I was in touch with the perinatal team within hours! I was prescribed (and still on) anti-depressants, I did therapy and psychology (which helped massively). I even went to a "mummy and me" group that was just for women who were struggling, so we all could relate and help each other. It was exactly what I needed and helped to chat to other women who felt like me and I didn't feel judged. We all had tips to help each other and I actually looked forward to leaving the house that one day a week. I am in a much much better place and I feel like I can cope better now. I still have a rough day now and then, but it's so much more manageable and I enjoy my DD now.

There is help available and there are people who are willing and want to help. You are a fantastic mother as you recognise you are struggling and you love your DS so much. You said yourself, you can't imagine life without him. Please get some help from your GP. Tell them exactly what you said in your post and they will want to help you. Massive massive hugs to you xx

@cptartapp hes ten months (yesterday). I always promised myself I wouldn’t send a child to nursery before age one. I don’t know why I just have it in my head. I feel like I’ve failed. I am not enjoying any time with him at all. He’s just gone to sleep and I’m dreading him waking up. I honestly wonder if I did the right thing. I feel sick with these thoughts.

I was only able to get through this phase because I knew my DS was going to nursery at 6 months and I could get back to some kind of normal life.

You’re absolutely not a failure. It’s just awful and exhausting and very hard work with little return at this stage. I’ve always noticed the people who enjoy the 1st year & find it super rewarding have a strong community around them, extended family on hand, a very involved partner, or plenty of paid support so they get some respite and can hang on to some feeling of self identity. And/or they just lucked out with babies who sleep easily and aren’t colicky / refluxy / sicky.

It will get better, but God it’s hard. You’re not mad or a failure to feel this way. Do what you need to survive. Your baby will be fine.

I'm part of a very big family and there are a lot of babies in my life - I also have two of my own. Something I've seen with pretty much every single mother I know is, at some point in the first year you hit a wall - a point at which you feel you just can't do it anymore, you're sick of it, you can't believe how your life has changed, you've changed etc. I think it's the point at which you realise you're really and truly a mother and this is permanent. IME it usually happens about 4-5 months, when the newborn chaos is well and truly gone and something like a normal routine starts emerging - yours seems a bit later, maybe because you've been more in survival mode due to lack of help. One thing to be aware of is that you probably feel like this is it, this is your life forever. That's partly due to tiredness - the repetitive slog seems never-ending and your brain gets convinced you've fallen into some horrible boring sick-covered abyss, never to emerge again. It's a really really tough point - a huge mental and identity transition combined with sleep deprivation and boredom, a terrible combination.

The good news is, in the vast vast majority of cases your mind does accept the new identity (though some of the resentment of how hard it is and how society devalues it doesn't go away) and you find out that this isn't your life forever. On the contrary, you'll get into the rollercoaster of constant change that comes when a baby starts walking, talking, having opinions (!) and it won't always be the same slog. In some ways it'll be harder but it won't be the endless groundhog day drudge.

It is incredibly hard to do this all on your own - do you go to any baby groups or activities?

I did 6 months mat leave both times (had to for financial reasons). Do what you need to do - no shame in decent childcare at all, on the contrary it can be wonderful. Some mornings are just awful and that’s just how it is - doesn’t mean anything is broken - you are doing ok

Mine went to nursery at 11m, and the last month of mat leave was the hardest by far for me. Up until then I'd been absolutely loving it, never wanted to go back to work etc. I found there were more and more days where I was resorting to the tv, just to have a bit of peace and quiet, I wasn't fun enough to provide the constant engagement and stimulation he needed. It's very relentless. And I found 10-13 months quite a tough period generally, they really want to be into everything but are still very small, not communicating loads, there's frustration on both sides. Once mine started walking things improved massively.

I know people feel lots of different ways about staying home vs childcare, but good childcare is worth its weight in gold both for your baby's development and your own mental health. If you are struggling there is nothing wrong with putting baby into nursery before 1, even if only for a day or two a week. Do you have childcare lined up and a return to work date set?

I absolutely loathed almost every minute of the baby year, OP, and I had a supportive and loving partner. I felt exactly the same as you and hated the same things.

The good news is, it gets better. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, and you will love and be good at some bits, and hate and be bad at other bits. That's okay. Nobody is good at all of it, and NOBODY loves all of it, no matter what they might say on Instagram!

My DD is now 5 and I love, love, love being a mum. At the weekends she gets herself up and watches TV so I can have a lie-in. She eats just about anything and she loves cooking with me so we make nice dinners. She helps me clean and I've taught her to be very tidy so the house is never a mess. She can play independently so I get regular breaks. She doesn't cry for no reason any more. We don't need all the STUFF or to work to a schedule so we can nip out easily and be spontaneous. And more than that, she is amazing company and I love spending time with her. This will all happen for you too and more quickly than you think. You're just in the thick of the worst bit right now.

That said: if these feelings become overwhelming or won't go away, do consider seeing your GP. PND can be triggered any time in the first year and it is debilitating but also incredibly treatable. I had it to the point of a suicide attempt but the right medication turned everything around for me pretty rapidly.

You can do this, I promise. And someday quite soon you will enjoy doing it.

Every day gets easier x

Thanks. I feel so drained. I don’t think it’s pnd, it’s more a general frustration at the slog. I just want to be selfish for a day.

I just wanted to leave a note to say that feeling like this is normal at times!

I am a single mum to a 6 year old (been on my own since he was 2 but ex didn't help much first 2 years) and I've went through the same on and off for years! Combine that with the fact DS has complex needs and is very hard work!

I was up and down for months at a time, becoming depressed, self harming, wishing I could just run away from it all.

It wasn't until I went to therapy that it helped. It almost put me in debt as NHS is broken so bad to go private, but the 6 months I did it was the best thing I ever did for my MH.

Now I still have bad days, but they are confined now to days. It doesn't last weeks, months, years..

Please talk it all out with someone who can show you really helpful coping techniques

Get yourself back to work!

I didn't think that it was PND either, OP. But it definitely was. I felt just the way that you do for the first 6 - 9 months of being a mother but it did slowly get better.

The slog is relentless but I found a really supportive group (mine was ostensibly for breastfeeding support, but it was so much more than that) and a friendly toddler group. I also walked for miles, pushing my son in his stroller. I chatted to him constantly about what we could see and he loved it. I got fitter and just being out in the world really helped my mental health. So, I would recommend that you get out and find something to do each day so that you have a focus and a distraction from the tedium of early motherhood. Google 'Local Offer' for your county (in England, at least) to see what groups/classes are available in your local area.

And ask your friends for help - if they've got children of their own they're very likely to recognise what you say, or they may well be one of those people that genuinely likes babies!

Hey how are you now? I am in the same situation I can’t cope and I cry my eyes out. Any advice please xxxx

Sounds like your both ready for nursery

Don't blame yourself op, it's normal

I was and am a lone parent. The thing that saved me was joining a local gym: they had a crèche on site and it wasn’t too expensive. I first went when my son was 4 months old. The relief of handing him to a lovely older lady so I could exercise changed my life. Is there somewhere like this local to you?

Is your son unwell to have thrown up and be crying so much? Just a thought.
I think you need to go easier on yourself. I think your expectations of what parenthood is are too high. You will never enjoy every single day of parenthood but then you wouldn’t have pre- child life either.
Like the rest of life, some days will be good and some won’t. If you are tired then it is harder that day to be the parent you want to be, but you get the opportunity to try and do it better the next day :)
Do you go to a Mum’s group at all? Having more people in your life where you can observe their kids and how they handle parenting challenges is useful - not to judge them or yourself, but to learn.
Also sole parenting is hard!! I used to dread it when my DH went away for work leaving me with the kids- it is so tough by yourself. Be kind to yourself - you sound like a caring Mum who wants to do well. That is a good foundation to build on!

So agree with this post.

You have had a massive change in your life circumstances op at 35 yrs old. It takes some adjusting to.

And you are doing it alone. What you are feeling is normal and you have done v well not to hit a wall before now tbh!

So give yourself a bit of slack!

I remember crying one day on the doorstep when my DH was away travelling and my first DD was about five months old and asleep in her crib. It was a Sunday morning and I just longed to be able to shut the front door and walk down the street and buy a newspaper and sit and read it and drink a cup of coffee by myself. I had just realised that I would never have a weekend entirely free from responsibility ever again for the next eighteen years at least. It was the gentle relentless of it that got to me.

It's always a million times worse when they are ill too.

Take this as a sign to get some more support for yourself op.

Maybe check with GP to rule out ppd.

Cultivate a friendship circle of like minded people with DC roughly the same age that could turn in to a baby-sitting circle.

Or find a local active young grandmother type and schedule her in to baby-sit one weekend morning a week, or fortnight , so you can look forward to a regular slot of time in which you can please yourself.

Take care op. You are doing a great job! But don't forget about the part of parenting that involves looking after yourself too!