Nursery settling session parents not allowed?

[Illbebythesea]

My youngest (2) is due to start nursery (tomorrow, actually) She will just spend an hour there tomorrow as a ‘settling session.’ But parents aren’t allowed inside. So I will drop her at the door and come back in an hour. I thought it would be better to go in with her, let her get distracted with a toy/activity with a worker then say mummy will be back soon but this isn’t an option.

Just seems slightly bizarre to drop a 2yo to a building they’ve never been to before, with people they’ve not met before (bar very briefly) & leave? I can’t see it going well. She will scream.

But AIBU? Be interested especially to hear from nursery workers!

Thank you!

My 1 year old had one 1 hour session with me then two 2 hour sessions on his own before his first full day.

Honestly it's best. Make the drop off quick too. Bright and breezy "have fun sweetie!" And walk out before you hear the screaming. Hang around and it just gets worse and worse and worse the longer you stand in the foyer trying to settle them. If you walk out, chances are she settled quickly. Ring 10 mins later to check if you're really concerned.

Having mum hang around in the room just makes it more stressful later on when mum suddenly isn't there.

Honestly it's the best way otherwise you're just confusing them. I'd be very surprised if they asked you to stay.

@Stripeypyjamas thank you. This is what I wanted to hear actually. That there is logic behind it, which I presumed there was! (I’m no expert.) I know she will be treated kindly but you can’t help but feel horrible that they’ll be anxious when you’ve left!

Our nursery did both - DS age 11mths at the time 1hr with me initially and he's the clingiest child ever who still cries most mornings going to school.
DD was 9mths, started in Covid so doorstep drop offs, couldn't give a monkeys and happily marches in waving.
I don't think the two things are linked but I expect it's a LOT easier for mammy not to be hanging around for the child. I used to work in schools and loathed stay and play as the kids always cried but never cared when they were just dropped off.

Normal (procedure) - for good reason. It's hard I know but best plan.
It will be ok.
Good Luck.

I think they want to start as they mean to go on. My children were the same and that was 9 years ago. I think its harder for the parents then children.

Please reconsider sending your child to this nursery if you can, or at least challenge this and say you want to stay for the settling in sessions.
For the first “settling in” session I really do think parents should stay for the entire time. It’s so that they can familiarise themselves with the building, staff, other children etc.
I found when looking for nurseries for my son, the ones that wanted you to practically drop and run for your child’s first time there were the ones I didn’t get a good impression of the staff in general.
The nursery I eventually chose for my son, allowed two settling in sessions with parent present, followed by two 1-2 hour settling in sessions alone. They also asked that you remain nearby so you could return during that time if needed.
I don’t see how dropping a 2 year old at a place they don’t know, with people they don’t recognise, can possibly be the best for the child. If they were closer to pre-school age then maybe, because it could be explained about you returning, it’s harder for a two year old to understand that you’re coming back. And I wouldn’t be surprised if they were then reluctant to go back again knowing you left them there the first time even though they were upset.

@howsaboutit
And I wouldn’t be surprised if they were then reluctant to go back again knowing you left them there the first time even though they were upset.

This is exactly why I’m worried. If I effectively ‘abandon’ her (in her eyes) then will she associate nursery with bad feelings from the start? But then other posters are saying this is the best way. So very conflicting.

This - I worked in Early Years for twenty years and it's best all round to just rip that plaster off. Parents often want settling in sessions they attend but they were never best for the child, it's so confusing for them and prolonged the inevitable.

We had to challenge this when dd was little , she needed me there for 7 weeks before I was even able to leave the room for 10 mins and slowly build up ! (She has ASD)

It is best for the child. Otherwise it is confusing. Even primary schools are starting to take note and stop the ridiculous 2 or 3 week settling half days that just sets most kids back and for many whose parents work is very difficult.

Our nursery did this & DS was fine, I personally think it’s better than going in - I know my DS would have hung by my side or dragged me around if I was there but instead he settled after 5 minutes & just went to play. It’s only an hour and your DD will learn that you will come back for her. As PP has said be breezy at drop off & hide the almost guaranteed anxiety you’ll have! Longest hour of my life but honestly it was all fine.

I certainly wouldn’t change from a nursery you seemingly got a good impression from based off this, we looked at quite a few & didn’t find the settling in protocol to be indicative of anything at all. In fact we love DS’s nursery and will be putting DC2 in there as well when I go back to work.

Nursery we used did three settle in sessions:

1- an hour with me there in the room to the side filling out paperwork while child played in the room they would be in.

2- an hour in the room without me

3- two hours in the room without me

By time kids had a regular session, they walked off without looking back at me to go play.

Normal.
Some nurseries allow the parent in for the first part of the hour but really all it does it delay the settling in.

She won't think you've abandoned her, she'll learn that you always come back. I hope it goes really well op, if you thought the nursery looked good I'm sure it will be.

You know your child best. Different nurseries will have different ways of doing things, but I think it's important that you feel comfortable with the settling in plan too. For me being able to take my 2 year old in and see her interact and play really helped the transition.

It's a terrible idea, being abandoned at such a young age. If you don't need to I would discourage until your child is much older. It may be common but it's not natural.

She's more likely to scream in the example you gave.

In and run - they engage them far more easily without the sight of a lingering parent in the doorway, as they're more focused upon the sight of all those toys and the environment than 'Mummy! You're going! NOOOOO!'.

Think of it as she is going to join something fun and exciting, not that the two of you are being separated. Sounds trite, but reframing it like that makes it a lot easier on you. And will explain other's tearfulness and lingering at the door - they're seeing it as separation, rather than a lovely thing for their DC to do.

ETA: I should probably qualify this with DD2's attitude was 'This looks great, go away now, I'm going to be busy playing'. The joys of a very pragmatic child who was ultimately confirmed as having AuDHD.

When my daughter turned one we had a similar set up. We had one one hour session and then two two hour sessions. I had assumed I'd be staying for the first so it was quite the shock when they took her bag and said bye at the door.
Obviously I sat in the nearby tesco having a little cry but she did absolutely brilliantly and still absolutely adores nursery.

We are one of the lucky ones who's gotten away with very very few tearful drop offs (and those that have been tearful have ended in getting the "can you collect her. Turns out she's poorly" calls). However from friends who have children who found it difficult to settle, and one or two who've had to change nursery, they've found that this way still absolutely works best for their littles. I think staying can be quite confusing for them in the long run and the nursery staff are miracle workers when it comes to settling a fretful newbie... and that includes the parents.

Good luck for the session, hope it goes well!

Totally normal. If the child sees their parent inside the nursery it can confuse them as to why mummy can’t always come in / stay.

I remember my then 2 year old starting nursery. I told her we say bye bye mummy and hello X (nursery key person) then later we say bye bye X and hello mummy! (so she knew I was coming back!)

It makes sense in their head that it’s not a place where you are

I mean the internet isn’t natural and yet here you are able to enlighten us with your opinions anyway 🙄

I think the main thing is that you feel confident that they'll call you if needed. My nursery were very clear that if she didn't settle very quickly, they'd ring me and we could discus other ways of settling her, including me staying if needed.

I knew if she was very upset or not coping with my leaving, they'd have called me to rethink the plan.

Remember they also want your child to settle, so they should work with you if the first try doesn't work. However this way is very common and often works well!

Once the child realises you have left, they'll get upset.l anyway. I know it sounds tough, but this is the best way. DD has been doing full time nursery since she was 6 months old, and there we're definitely tears from both of us in that first few weeks, but at 2 she'll understand a lot more what's going on and that you'll be back.

@Olivia199 this is a lovely, reassuring post, thank you. I am very confident they will call me if she doesn’t settle. They told me most parents stay close by for the hour incase and that they’d call me if needed. I do trust them on that. So if she cries for 20 minutes straight they’ll call me & I’ll just be round the corner. I definitely don’t think they’re the type to let her cry for an hour and say she was fine. So that is reassuring!