Nursery settling session parents not allowed?

[Illbebythesea]

My youngest (2) is due to start nursery (tomorrow, actually) She will just spend an hour there tomorrow as a ‘settling session.’ But parents aren’t allowed inside. So I will drop her at the door and come back in an hour. I thought it would be better to go in with her, let her get distracted with a toy/activity with a worker then say mummy will be back soon but this isn’t an option.

Just seems slightly bizarre to drop a 2yo to a building they’ve never been to before, with people they’ve not met before (bar very briefly) & leave? I can’t see it going well. She will scream.

But AIBU? Be interested especially to hear from nursery workers!

Thank you!

I think at 2 it's fine.

It’s a tough old road this parenting business! You want them to be independent & resilient but also want to rescue them from any bad feelings! 🤣

We usually ask parents to bring the child when they first come to look around. If the child ventures off to play, we then encourage them to leave them for the settling visits. We don't force that though.
I can say that those left sooner, settle sooner 90% of the time though!

Thank you @AuntMarch. I subconsciously agree. I will leave her at the door tomorrow & take it from there!

Hmmm, that was me with covid settling, but now, here, they tend to do a visit with parents after hours then that. Short drop off stays.

We relocated to the US when DC was 3. He had previously been in nursery in the UK. The settling routine was that I could be there but not interact with him for the first few sessions. After 2 attempts at this it was clear that the method didn’t work. So I went back to the apartment. All was well, he made some lovely friends during his time there and it was good for motor skills as Montessori. I think your DC will be fine

@SuperiorM thank you. DD’s nursery is also Montessori 🙂

This sounds really odd to me, why on earth aren't you allowed through the door?! I wouldn't be happy with this at all.

We dropped at the door for ours and left - no need to go in and it makes things loads worse!

When DD started nursery it was "Drop and go" from day one ... DD thrived in that environment as I think coming in and then slipping out would have been too confusing for her.

The first couple of days she was a bit unsettled when I left her but the nursery workers were great and so busy fussing over her and getting her attention off me and on to the fun activities/toys that she soon realised that nursery = I say goodbye to mummy and then get to go with <nursery worker> and play with lots of shiny new toys and with lots of other kids until she comes back. By the second week she was desperate to get to nursery and was alaway sad to leave when I picked her up (which I tried not to take personally! 🤣)

I think if I'd have gone inside with her then she would have struggled and seen nursery = a place where mummy came in with me but then disappeared at some point without saying anything and I didn't know if she was coming back. So tomorrow if we come back then I'm going to stay close to her the whole time in case she disappears again ...

Both of mine have just done two or three two-hour sessions (without me) and then gone into their normal routine. DD1 cried a bit the first week or so (not at the settling in sessions though!) but she was a lockdown toddler and hadn't been around people for a few months. DD2 started younger at 12mo and absolutely zero issues, she just toddles in happily and waves to me

If you've never left your child anywhere, then they may find it difficult. But I assume you've left them with their dad, maybe other family members, perhaps even a friend for a couple of hours, and been to classes etc where they are exposed to other kids and adults leading sessions, so you may find the transition is harder for you then your child!

I think you should be able to stay at first as you deserve to see where your child will be spending their time and meet the staff caring for them.

I would say follow your gut about what’s best for your child. I would not have been cool with this and know my daughter would have found that approach really hard. My child attended 3 pre school settings because we moved and all allowed me to go in the first one or two times as standard.

Everything that @howsaboutit said.
I would not be leaving my child to cry with strangers wondering where I am after investing so much in building them up to be a secure little person. It's cruel and people saying it's for the best I cannot agree. DC on childcare but would not be in a setting like that.

I haven't come across nurseries that encourage parents to stay for settling in sessions. It's worse in my opinion, having a parent hanging around, then the child realising they won't be there all the time. I have one more independent and one very clingy child, both quite happily had settling in sessions on their own.

She is quite independent & resilient I would say, also I know this nursery and the staff as middle child has attended for 2 years and was very happy there. But of course my youngest has no idea of this, I will try for the hour tomorrow and see how she gets on. I don’t want to interfere or make a point when it might be at the detriment to her. She may settle fine alone! Obviously if she doesn’t we will re-access. Ugh 😩 I just hope she’s ok!

The first nursery we tried when DD was 16 months did this. I feel so terrible whenever I think about it.
She was fine the first time. After that she screamed and screamed every time. I could hear her from outside and she didn't stop. It got worse, whenever we drove to the building she'd start screaming. Whenever I picked her up she would have red eyes and her dummy.

I feel so dreadful whenever I remember her little face when I'd come back, she ways looked so sad.

The second place we used when she was 2 invited parents to stay for as long as they wanted for settling in and IMO it was much better. She adjusted very quickly and was happy for me to go after not long at all.

This is what strikes me on this thread - those that say leaving the child on the first day on their own and not having a parent stay are all saying it’s best for the child, that it drags out the process, that it confuses them. But no one has come along to say they did settling in sessions with a parent attending and regretted it as it made it harder for the child.

I think it benefits parents to drop their child off and leave as they don’t have to see their child upset.

I can’t see how “ripping the plaster off” could possibly be more confusing than a parent being with their child while they get used to an environment. We don’t do this in any other circumstance, the child most likely will have never experienced this before - having their parent take them somewhere they don’t know with people they don’t know and say bye and walk out of the door despite their protests.

I feel parents justify doing this because it is easier for them, not for the child.

I think that's the most important thing! Sadly we can't really know how nursery sessions will go, I lost sleep over ours and she had a great time. So all we can do is cross our fingers and follow the plan with the knowledge that it really will be okay either way and she won't be traumatised! Got everything crossed it goes well but please don't fret if she's a bit unsettled, you and the nursery will get her settled and it'll all be absolutely fine. I've just dropped mine in who's been happily screeching "SCHOOL SCHOOL" since she got up!

*We don’t do this in any other circumstance, the child most likely will have never experienced this before - having their parent take them somewhere they don’t know with people they don’t know and say bye and walk out of the door despite their protests.

I feel parents justify doing this because it is easier for them, not for the child.*

I feel like if this was done in any other circumstance it would be considered very questionable.

We tried for 2 months to get her settled this way and I ended up ill and depressed. I don't look back on it with any way other than extreme guilt, my baby needed me. But I was told it was "the done thing" so I did it and it didn't work. I'm so glad she can't remember that time.
There was one day where they did let me in after a LOT of pestering but they were taking the babies and toddlers straight out. So they strapped her in a buggy and off she went, screaming the whole time. I went to my car in the car park and could still hear her and just sobbed.

She was fully settled in to her new setting within 2 visits and happily went in without so much as a goodbye. Even children that had been going for a while were told parents could go in with them if they were having a tough day. She starts school this week but has been very sad to leave her preschool.

Our setting does this for pre-school and up. I think it is also important to consider the wider picture. It is so confusing for the children who are already settled there if random parents pop in to play for an hour, but their mummy/daddy/whoever can’t stay. We know the logic behind it, but they just see that Little Johnny cries at the start of the session and his mummy is then allowed to come in and play.

It sounds like you’ve got the right attitude OP, and I completely agree it’s about trusting the setting.

People’s opinions will be different as children are different. I’d play it by ear and respond accordingly.

I’m definitely not taking this route because it’s easier for me, I would actually like to stay and am quite happy to do an hour at first, up to two hours etc and take it slow. But the nursery advised me this wasn’t the best way & i’m guess I’m trusting them because this is what they do.

I took her at 9am this morning and she really cried when I left, I feel awful thinking about her face when I shut the door and left and how powerless she must of felt tbh. She cried on and off the whole time so they asked me to collect her 10 minutes early and she has a really croaky voice from all the crying. I now feel she is going to freak when we turn up next because she’s going to know I’m leaving again.

What do I do now? Ask again to stay for a short period of time still or try again? I don’t feel good about the whole situation tbh, I like the nursery and staff very much but I’m conflicted on what’s best here.

I’m sorry it’s been such a difficult morning for you both.

I think have a conversation with the nursery about how you feel, they may suggest you try staying with her next time anyway, then you can go from there.

As I mentioned previously, the nursery my son eventually went to was one that had a gradual settling in period, where parents stayed for the first few times then the children did some short sessions alone. We had initially tried a nursery I thought we would love but it was their settling in process that made me look elsewhere. They too had told me that parents stay for the first sessions but didn’t tell me until we got there that actually they wanted me to stay seated in the foyer area while they took my son into the play rooms. Looking back, I don’t know why I agreed to it but I think I just didn’t want to be a nuisance and they made it seem that it was the “done thing”. I could hear him absolutely wailing inside the room, I had a nursery worker come out twice to tell me he was settling down but I could still hear him crying. After 45 minutes I insisted it was enough and they brought him out to me and I’ve honestly never been able to rid myself of that image. He was so red faced, shaking and he’s never clung to me in the way he did when they handed him back. The thought that if I’d dropped him off and left like some nurseries ask you to do, and he’d been like that for hours until I picked him up is awful.

On the contrary, with the nursery that allowed for me to stay for the settling in sessions, he responded really differently. The first time he was left alone there he waved goodbye and walked off with the nursery worker. We’d talked lots about the nursery after our visits together and used the nursery workers names so he had become familiar with them. I told him he was going to play and mummy was going shopping. He understood where he was going and this really helped. I won’t say it was all plain sailing, there were still some tears at drop offs following this but the nursery always sent me a photo 10-15 minutes later showing him happy and playing. There was never a time he got as upset as he did the time at the first nursery.

I’m sure if we’d persevered he would have eventually gotten used to the first nursery and been less upset at being left there. But I wasn’t prepared to do it with such a harsh method and in hindsight I wish I had stood my ground and refused to even try to do it that way!

@Illbebythesea - Oh I'm so sorry it was tough. Have a lovely afternoon with your girl if you can. It's so tough but you now have a starting point, you can go to the nursery with it and discuss where to go with things. It may be that they see this all the time and feel she'll settle more in time, or it may be that they offer you to stay, or it could be that they offer more shorter periods to leave her. Please don't feel like this is the end point. It's just a start in finding the way that works for her. Soon enough this will be a stressful memory when she's swanning in with half a wave behind her!

It's so child specific and nursery will know this. PP have mentioned how awful a time they had and it sounds as though they had quite unsupportive nurseries alongside that. I don't think this is the easier way for the parent though, I don't think any way is easier. I think this method has been born from trial and error over the years and recognising that some children respond well to this. The key is having the flexibility to adjust that method when it's clear it doesn't suit the child.