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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I do the right thing leaving my husband?

34 replies

Namechange448 · 03/09/2023 20:29

Have left my husband recently and am having second thoughts.
So basically I'm asking was I unreasonable to have left?

Pros, He is a hard worker, pays the mortgage while I'm a SAHM
He is not a womaniser and i would never be worried that he would cheat.
He isn't emotionally or physically abusive.

Cons. It's clear he has an alcohol dependency/functioning alcoholic but he won't admit to it
He's stingy with money
He's moody
He can be bitchy about people which is very off-putting
He has a very complex and strained relationship with his family which affects his mental health
He's paranoid and secretive
Doesn't like most of my family
Never takes our daughter out anywhere
Never sees his friends or has any hobbies, he literally just works and comes home and drinks

OP posts:
Mamofteenager · 03/09/2023 20:34

Daft question really but did you communicate the cons with him and if he acknowledges them does he have the want to work and change things. Most importantly though if he was to address these and make changes would you want to be with him?

Original poster
Namechange448 · 03/09/2023 20:36

The alcohol has been an ongoing issue, which he doesn't seem to be able to change and also will not admit that has has a problem.
The other things are also traits that I don't think he can change

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 03/09/2023 20:38

Google adult children of alcoholics to know what would happen to your DC if you stayed.

8990m · 03/09/2023 20:38

You made the right choice

Olika · 03/09/2023 20:39

I think you made the right choice

Mamofteenager · 03/09/2023 20:50

Then the right choice you made, natural to question and doubt yourself. Wish you the best of luck in your next chapter

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/09/2023 21:05

The pros you describe are just baseline really.

I think you did the right thing.

My dad has alcohol issue and has all the pros you describe (not all of the cons it must be said, but he is bitchy about people). I always wanted my Mum to leave him, but they are still unhappily together. And he’s still making family events strained by getting overly drunk.

I recognise a lot of the symptoms of children of alcoholics in myself - and I ended up with a very disfunctional marriage of my own because I thought lots of “rows” and ups and downs were normal. I’m divorced now.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/09/2023 21:06

Oh and I’ve definitely had my own struggles with alcohol, which have had a negative effect on my life and career at times.

Missingmyusername · 03/09/2023 21:09

I think you did the right thing, forget drinking for a second- he didn’t do anything with his kids. Coming home and drinking isn’t a thing. It’s not normal.

Acornsoup · 03/09/2023 21:23

You made the right choice. It's normal to feel like this after the relief of leaving. Don't doubt yourself.

Mummy08m · 03/09/2023 21:27

The alcoholic thing on its own sounds like reason enough.

But also: moody, stingy, paranoid, doesn't hang out with dd. I think I could put up with maybe one out of these four. But all of them in one man?

Doesn't your day to day life feel a bit easier now?

Beezknees · 03/09/2023 21:31

You made the right choice. Doesn't do anything with his child, drinks, stingy...

The bar is so low for women that we've been conditioned into thinking that we should be grateful if he's faithful and not physically abusive. No way.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2023 21:33

Beezknees · 03/09/2023 21:31

You made the right choice. Doesn't do anything with his child, drinks, stingy...

The bar is so low for women that we've been conditioned into thinking that we should be grateful if he's faithful and not physically abusive. No way.

I agree. Well done for leaving op.

AutumnFroglets · 03/09/2023 21:35

So he works hard but doesn't cheat. Ummmm....they should be the basic requirements of a half decent partner.

But you are forgetting that it is (or will be) cheating on you, just not with women but with alcohol. He will put alcohol before you, before the child, before his own life. It's an addiction which he has to admit before he can change.

You say he isn't emotionally or physically abusive but you have overlooked him being financially abusive.

In short if you had stayed you would have subjected yourself and child to utter hell. Be glad you escaped.

DustyLee123 · 03/09/2023 21:38

You say he’s not emotionally abusive, but he’s ignoring you when you ask him to address his drinking, and saying you’re wrong. He works and drinks, that’s it.
No wonder you ended it. Do you really want to go back to it ?

SummerInSun · 03/09/2023 21:43

Good grief - read your own list back - literally the only good thing about him is paying the mortgage and not being abusive?!?! And all those negatives sound utterly miserable to live with.

OF COURSE you did the right thing.

AmazingSnakeHead · 03/09/2023 21:52

2 out of 3 of the pros you've listed aren't really pros, they're just the most basic standard you should accept. They're preconditions for having a relationship at all, not actual positive points.

It sounds to me like you made the right call!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 03/09/2023 22:27

I mean, you could have put in the pros that you love him and he loves you?

If even that isn't there, with all the other issues, then you definitely did the right thing.

Turnthelightoff · 03/09/2023 22:46

You’ve done the right thing and this may seem harsh but when it comes to formalising in a divorce I’d go for getting as much as you can upfront so as to have a clean financial break and not be reliable on maintenance payments from him

Hankunamatata · 03/09/2023 22:48

If your not happy then that's a good enough reason

suburbophobe · 03/09/2023 22:52

^Cons. It's clear he has an alcohol dependency/functioning alcoholic but he won't admit to it
He's stingy with money
He's moody
He can be bitchy about people which is very off-putting
He has a very complex and strained relationship with his family which affects his mental health
He's paranoid and secretive
Doesn't like most of my family
Never takes our daughter out anywhere
Never sees his friends or has any hobbies, he literally just works and comes home and drinks^

Why the fuck are you even asking?

Single motherhood is great. Hard. Yes. But so much better than that shit....

You and your daughter really deserve better.

FarmGirl78 · 03/09/2023 23:41

100% the right choice.

Individually any one of those cons would be enough to want out. Even being generous and you could ignore one of them, a second one added wound be more than enough - and you've listed half a dozen.

Original poster
Namechange448 · 04/09/2023 01:59

Thanks so much everyone, I really needed to hear every single word of all of your replies.
I'm just feeling vulnerable and scared for the future on my own, which is making me second guess my decision. The grass is greener and all that.
Reading the replies and how sure everyone is that I did the right thing has made me feel so much better and more confident.

OP posts:
KievLoverTwo · 04/09/2023 03:27

Nah

I left an emotionally abusive alcoholic husband when I was 24 who also wouldn't admit to/deal with it. I think he had a lot of emotional trauma and abandonment issues, but this was well before the days of any sort of awareness of this, and he was never the sort of guy to go to a doctor or therapy anyway.

13 years later I discovered he died of an 'accidental overdose' aged 42. Took a long time for me to remember he once offered me cocaine when he got home wasted. Had been with him six years, didn't realise he had a drug problem. It explained why we were always broke despite him earning 2k a week in 2001.

He also had the nasties. I think it was an alcohol thing.

Glad I didn't allow myself to be dragged along on that trip.

Probably the worst thing was the lies. It was impossible to tell where the truth began and the lies ended. Not to mention constant gaslighting.

Enjoy your newfound freedom and your kid.

Malapataraso · 04/09/2023 23:16

He might not be emotionally abusive but he’s certainly emotionally negligent. Good riddance and good job getting out! Woot!

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