Am I being too overprotective?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have a 6 year old DS who is autistic and has ADHD and he's an only child. He has always struggled socially despite trying to get him to mix etc. He goes to mainstream school.

He has some health and safety issues as he can't cross roads on his own, packs the concentration for this and has no sense of direction (He's got lost in supermarkets etc just two steps away from me). He also has some pretty intense meltdowns.

There are 3 children that live on our street from his school. He's become friendly with the youngest who is the year above him at school, and the other 2 are quite a bit older than him (at least 3 years).

They've been asking him out to play. But these are kids that I know wander further than just our street. I've had to keep saying no (with no real way of explaining why to a 7 year old) and my DS keeps wondering why also.

I just don't feel comfortable letting him out with kids who venture further and can't look after him the way that and adult can. My fear is he will end up lost, knocked by a car or have a huge melt down and left on his own away from the house. He's easily led, so I couldn't tell him to just stay on the street.

I don't want to invite other kids into my house as I have a Rottweiler who gets overexcited around visitors and don't want her jumping on any of them and hurting them

AIBU for repetedly saying no, or do I let him outside?

The thought of it sends my anxiety wild.

I’m with PP on this. Gotta figure out the dog - I have a big + unruly dog - we got additional training and he has a calm set up in a (very big) cupboard under the stairs with his bed + toys + treats where he goes.

having supervised friend time in your house and garden sounds like the way for your DS to have the organic friend time he wants in a safe way.

@ellie09

He does have friends round. My best friend comes round once every fortnight with her child. I look after my niece who is 3 and she also plays around.

Fine but I guarantee a lot of people would be highly uncomfortable allowing their kids to play a home with a Rottweiler.

It may be a calm and well socialised animal which you trust but it’s the perception. A lot of parents just won’t want their kids going there.

I'm sorry if you don't like my opinion but I think kids need to play outside. It's perfectly safe where I live and loads of kids are out from morning until night. Maybe where you live isn't safe but personally, I wouldn't let my kid sit indoors listening to other children play all summer.

Autistic kids need life experience as much, if not more, than others.

@TheGirlFromTomorrow where? Where do small children play out from morning till night? Everyone struggling for childcare in the holidays should move there!

Yeah I may need to approach the mum (I see her at the school gates sometimes) and maybe see if she will let me take them both to the park, or the beach etc. Or even a play date in the house.

Its very much a council estate road 😂 so the kids for the most part get chucked out first thing until bedtime.

The dog isn't unruly or mental. She's been trained and around other children from a young pup. In fact, there's been random kids walked into my house and she hadn't battered and eyelid! I just know, give the breed and stigma, that some parents may not be comfortable with it (even though IMO she's harmless) As mentioned, she can get a bit excited if multiple people are in the house and get the "zoomies" for a couple of minutes 😂

But those aren't his friends though, they are your friends who happen to have kids, or your family members. He's six now so it's not such a big deal, but even in a year or two it's going to start being difficult for him to build up his own social life if you won't let him socialise with people of his choosing. This doesn't mean I think you should let him roam around the streets, but I do think you should try and facilitate him getting his own group of friends. You don't automatically want to play with or like someone because they happen to be the same age.

You are not unreasonable. I don't let my 8 year old out to play unsupervised yet and she doesn't have additional needs. (I would maybe If we lived in a cul-de-sac only out the front but we live on a busier road). My 10 year old has just started to be allowed to go out to play. No way would I let a 6 year old with additional needs out to play without an adult.

They do but that will take a lot more individualised planning than for their peers. There isn’t a one size fits all approach irrespective of the area you live in.

we live in a very quiet area but there is no way DS who is 13 would be able to go out unsupervised. His needs mean it wouldn’t be safe. Plenty of other people with autism would be fine to with the right guidance.

You have an ASD child and a Rottweiler?

An autistic 6 year old with no roadsense should not be allowed to roam.

It’s idiotic.

And of course they child should play with children but either supervised outside, in the house or out at a park/beach etc.

I’m not suggesting house arrest.

We got the dog before we noticed any issues (we've had the dog for 3 years now) and they're the best of friends and have a great bond.

Like any dog owner, I wouldn't let him around her unsupervised but they play ball together, sit with each other on the sofa and she is very gentle with him. She's been around young children since she was sent home from the breeder

I've never let my DD randomly out into the street to play and she starts secondary school tomorrow. It wouldn't even begin to cross my mind to let a six year old out to play

He's 6.
With comex needs that means he essentially has no road sense.

Like hell does he need to roam about anywhere without a competent adult.

I've started to give my asd 7 year old a little bit more freedom this summer.., ive seen GPR watches on Amazon that I can link to my phone, his dads phone and his grandads phone so I'm getting him one for Christmas so next year he can have more freedom but I can track him and he can get in touch with me.

I'd ignore any comments about the dog, OP. Mumsnet posters hate dogs especially bull breeds or rotties. They'll be pearl clutching over your dog and child.

The ones that try to bite us veterinary staff the most are spaniels.

That's actually a great idea that I'll look into - thanks!

I have heard of people using apple air tags to help with things like this too

Thanks!

Yeah my mum has 2 cocker spaniels which she claimed were "so friendly" and one snapped at my DS so has to be in another room when he's over.

I've had 2 dogs bite me - a poodle and a terrier. When I was wanting a dog, I knew I wanted a bigger breed and also one well trained. We've spent thousands training her and socialising her and she's the biggest softie and very much a "nanny dog".

My friend recently had a baby and has an Airedale terrier and the dog has been a nightmare

I don’t think any 6 yo is reliably able to cross roads on their own, or be allowed out to just roam. I wouldn’t let my 9 yo do this - there’s a reason why most schools won’t let kids go home alone til 11 - it only takes one lapse of concentration, one car going too fast, and that’s a tragedy happened.

I am in London (outer) so obviously busy roads but as above, it only takes one speeding car. Little kids of six can’t judge speed well enough, and it doesn’t need them to have ADHD to lose concentration- many kids are dreamers.

Unless you said/ meant year 6 and I’m misunderstanding?

No he's 6 years old!

I went home from school on my own from age 9 on the bus but I was far more mature. I think I was playing on the street on my own from around 8, but again, I was very mature for an 8 year old.

I didn't know if I was being the strange one given so many young ones are out on my street at all hours but this thread has given me some peace of mind, lol

I'm not giving you my address 😂

But where I live is all a one way area, you get a handful of vehicles pootling along in a day, and there's a massive green area in the middle of the houses. All I've heard all summer is kids screaming from morning until night. I actually look forward to the rain because it gives me a bit of peace for once.

I hear you! There's kids down my street out from 9am to 9/10pm every night if its dry, and it drives me insane as someone who WFH and tries to get DS down to bed at a reasonable time

Yeah, it drives me potty sometimes. I work late at night so I need to sleep in. I have to put 10 hour thunderstorm videos on from YouTube just to drown out the screams.

It's lovely for the kids and they're obviously having a brilliant time so that's nice. But they do have fun very loudly!

No your not overly protective your being very sensible. I think a play date in the house / park / beach is a good idea .
Im sure as the friendship develops his new friend will become aware your son needs supervision and has different boundaries to him .Kids are very adaptable and I'm sure they will love a trip out .