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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD starting reception this week.... wwyd.

26 replies

Sharletonz · 03/09/2023 18:19

More of a wwyd than aibu.
Dd starts reception this week. Only sees her father supervised.
I have zero relationship or contact with father.
Should I consider DDs feelings and give her a photo of her in school uniform to give to him as she does enjoy her supervised contact and may be excited to tell him about her first week at school.

He is an abusive arsehole and has missed nearly 4 years of her life now..

Wwyd?

OP posts:
quietlycontent · 03/09/2023 18:21

No he can take a picture when he sees her.

dancemom · 03/09/2023 18:22

Ask her if she would like to take a photo to contact to show him?

Everydayimhuffling · 03/09/2023 18:23

I would if she asks, but I wouldn't prompt it.

Mindymomo · 03/09/2023 18:24

You could wait until the school does official photos and she can give him one of those when she sees him.

Ilovelurchers · 03/09/2023 18:38

Are you wondering whether to send one over text/email/similar? Or whether to print one and let her take it to the next contact?

If you are considering contacting him outside of supervised contact to send him one, I don't necessarily think that's wrong, but I think first consider your safety. If you do this, will it give him a means to contact you he didn't have before, that could be open to abuse?

If you can do it safely, I think it would be a nice gesture to send it - it signals that you are doing what you can to promote your daughter's relationship with her other parent, which is a loving thing to do providing she loves him and enjoys the contact she has with him (which you say she does). Anything that helps make the co-parenting relationship as strong as it can be, is a good thing.

BUT only if you can do it and still say emotionally and physically safe. If sending it will open an avenue for him to abuse and hurt you, don't even consider it.

If you decide not to send one, you could ask her if she would like to print one off to take to contact with him, if you have access to a printer.

Good luck. It speaks well of you that you are thinking about this, even tho he has clearly hurt you very much in the past.

Sugarfree23 · 03/09/2023 18:41

Op does he know what school she will be going to?
Remember photo with tie / blazers & badge could be giving more information away than you'd like him to know.

KeyWorker · 03/09/2023 18:42

I wouldn’t contact him outside of your usual contact arrangement. Even just sending a photo message opens a line of contact for him. If you/your DD wanted to take a printed photo to the next contact session for him to keep, I think that would be fine. Even if next contact is t for a couple of weeks after school starts.

Sugarfree23 · 03/09/2023 18:43

If you are going to give him a hard copy via the contact center rather than a electronic copy.

neverenoughwine · 03/09/2023 18:45

Should he have any clue/knowledge of where she attends school?

Personally, from experience (and all circumstances are different!) I wouldn't.

Unless of course, your DD wants to and this would cause no harm or issues. (And only if she asks too)

Original poster
Sharletonz · 03/09/2023 18:46

No, I just meant to print a picture and give it to her to take to contact. There's no way I would contact him outside of his solicitor. We have no contact at all.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 03/09/2023 18:47

I always give DDs dad and paternal grandparents one of the proper ones that get taken mid year for Christmas, put it in a cheap frame and it's something DD can give them.

If you want to give him a hard copy it's a nice thought and I'd hope it was appreciated, but be wary of where you take it so it doesn't have any identifying info that he doesn't already have ie if he doesn't know wherever you live don't do it by the front door etc.

jannier · 03/09/2023 18:58

So does he know which school she's going to or is this the worry? If not print a picture she can give it to him next time.

GeorgeSpeaks · 03/09/2023 19:04

I feel a little bit like you are trying to tantalise him into being interested in her and her life. I would leave it. I'm sorry he doesn't appreciate your daughter, he's an arse.

Original poster
Sharletonz · 03/09/2023 19:14

jannier · 03/09/2023 18:58

So does he know which school she's going to or is this the worry? If not print a picture she can give it to him next time.

So until recently no, but I've now been forced to disclose the name of the school to him by the family court..

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharletonz · 03/09/2023 19:16

The trouble is DD never talks about him.. she never asks to draw pictures for him or to take anything with her to contact.. I always try to initiate it with her. She wouldn't ask to bring a picture, but if I gave it to her to take she'd take it.. if that makes sense.

I almost feel like I should just leave it but I know how excited she is to start school and will inevitably want to mention it to him

OP posts:
Thinkbiglittleone · 03/09/2023 19:17

If you have been forced to disclose the school, I don't see a problem with him having a photo of her in her uniform.

I'm assuming it's already very clear to the school that she doesn't get released to him under any circumstances,

Thinkbiglittleone · 03/09/2023 19:18

Oh sorry, no just seen your update, if she is indifferent about taking a photo, follow her lead.

Original poster
Sharletonz · 03/09/2023 19:18

Thinkbiglittleone · 03/09/2023 19:17

If you have been forced to disclose the school, I don't see a problem with him having a photo of her in her uniform.

I'm assuming it's already very clear to the school that she doesn't get released to him under any circumstances,

It will be. I'm just waiting for the court order.. they did say they can't prevent him from coming to the school but they wouldn't just release DD to him knowing the circumstances.. they'd call me first.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/09/2023 19:21

I wouldn't do it. Your daughter doesn't sound bothered, he's not asking for it, so you are reaching out to him unnecessarily.

VestaTilley · 03/09/2023 19:24

I wouldn’t, no. She’s not asking you to, just leave it.

melj1213 · 03/09/2023 19:36

If he didn't know the details of her school or there was a safety concern if he found out then I would 100% say definitely not but if he knows the school she is going to then I think it would be nice for your DD to take a picture with her so she can show her dad.

Think of it as you not doing it for his benefit but for her benefit of letting her share her first day at school with her dad.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/09/2023 20:02

No, I wouldn't dream of giving him a photo. He doesn't deserve it and he will use it to show people what a great father he is.

shams05 · 03/09/2023 20:08

She might come back from contact and say daddy wants to see her in her new school uniform. At that point you could give her a copy at next contact.
If she doesn't then I'd leave it.

Original poster
Sharletonz · 03/09/2023 20:38

I think you're right x

OP posts:
Qilin · 03/09/2023 20:51

Thinkbiglittleone · 03/09/2023 19:17

If you have been forced to disclose the school, I don't see a problem with him having a photo of her in her uniform.

I'm assuming it's already very clear to the school that she doesn't get released to him under any circumstances,

This isn't always possible, if the dad has parental responsibility and it's hasn't been revoked or agreed with the courts.

Schools do listen to parents over this kind of thing and will do what they can, but refusing dad isn't always possible.

At my school we would take the child to a safe part of the school where parents can't easily access and contact the op. We would then delay the father as much as possible, either in the head's office or outside depending on what is most appropriate at the time.

It's a tricky situation for schools to navigate when it isn't court ordered/agreed but most will do their best to help avoid the situation.

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