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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel like my mum has never let me grow up

50 replies

dobb · 03/09/2023 18:00

No idea where to put this - I hope somebody can understand this!

I'm in my thirties now and I feel like my mum has never allowed me to be my own person and act my age. It's really hard to explain but I feel like I am forever suppressed and feel so unbelievably trapped and uncomfortable within myself. I'm looking to start ivf early next year and the thought of telling my mum and her knowing that I have unsuccessfully been ttc makes my skin crawl and me feel sick. I wouldn't feel the happiness others would at telling my mum if I do manage to hopefully conceive. I'd feel uncomfortable. Even typing it is making me cringe ☹️ we work together too in my business and I just feel so trapped.

I don't feel like I've ever been allowed to grow up - it's so difficult to explain, it isn't that my mum wants me to still be a child - it's just like I've not been allowed to grow.

I should add - my mum is wonderful - she isn't a toxic mother. I just can't help but feel completely trapped and reduced to a child like age.

I hope I've explained this right. Does anyone else have similar feelings or is this really unusual?

OP posts:
DisquietintheRanks · 03/09/2023 18:08

You know you don't need your mother's permission to grow up, you can just do it. Do you think you are particularly dependent on her approval?

Original poster
dobb · 03/09/2023 18:11

@DisquietintheRanks

I'm not looking for her permission - I only feel like this around her.
I wouldn't say I'm dependant on her for approval - I don't really feel like I need approval from anybody. It's hard to explain.

OP posts:
OddBoots · 03/09/2023 18:14

No advice but sympathy, is does sound like it could be quite suffocating working with your mother.

Original poster
dobb · 03/09/2023 18:20

It's definitely not that she's a bad person - she isn't. I just feel so trapped and reduced to a child. Arghh I hope somebody knows what I mean! 😬😅

OP posts:
FeedMeTiramisu · 03/09/2023 18:22

Are you an only child or do you have siblings?

BakingBeanz · 03/09/2023 18:24

I'm not looking for her permission - I only feel like this around her.

I think lots of people feel they revert to a teenager when they're with their parents. Is it something more than that?

dancemom · 03/09/2023 18:25

Why do you feel like a child?

Is it lack of independence?
Do you rely on her outwith work?
Is she controlling?

AceofPentacles · 03/09/2023 18:25

I think I understand - she doesn't view you as an independent adult but more like an extension of herself perhaps? So she may have expectations of how you would behave or express yourself ?

donkra · 03/09/2023 18:26

Trapped in what way? What aren't you able to do? If you've been TTC, presumably you have a partner and don't live with her?

Have you considered, you know, not working with her and considering her opinion irrelevant?

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 03/09/2023 18:27

I know exactly what you mean OP. My brother feels like you do. He feels constrained, He explains it like he lives and acts as he believes she would want him to.He feels he is not his own person. Like with jobs,cars all sorts really he got what she decided was best,stifled his ambition told him people like us dont do .live like that. She kept him sort of feeling less worthy,small if you will. He is 50 now and still keeps most of his life quiet from her. Its a weird thing.

EmilyBrontesGhost · 03/09/2023 18:27

It's like the umbilical cord has never been cut.

It's a pull, and you can't break away.

it's unfortunate that you work together because it means she's always there and you don't get to be independent of her and that "pull".

As regards IVF, for example, you could just not tell her, except no doubt you will have medical appointments to attend etc so she will know because of you working together.

You actually need physical space from your mum to resolve this and I realise that's probably not possible.

Clymene · 03/09/2023 18:30

Have you had therapy? If not, I really urge you to give it a go. If you feel stuck in a child/parent dynamic, you may need some help shifting it

Confetto · 03/09/2023 18:30

I felt like this for a long time. There was little revision of the (mostly unwritten) rules as we got older. Conversations never really got any more complex than when we were small. We were never offered a glass of wine or beer. Generally we were still treated very much as children, not young adults in our own right. I feel quite sad sometimes when I see families with grown up children on things like Gogglebox (pathetic I know!) and see the kids having a laugh with their parents, especially about more adult topics. The thing that changed it most for me in the end though was having children myself...

Ponderingwindow · 03/09/2023 18:31

You don’t have to share anything with your mother that you don’t want to share. If telling her about fertility treatment makes you uncomfortable, just don’t tell her. You don’t even have to tell her as soon as you are pregnant. You can wait until the pregnancy is over well-established. Depending on how often you see her, you could even wait until the baby arrives, but that is a bit extreme.

Coyoacan · 03/09/2023 18:31

It's a mum thing. My cousin was the only doctor in an entire country, but when she went home, her mum treated her like an imbecile child.

EmilyBrontesGhost · 03/09/2023 18:36

Ponderingwindow · 03/09/2023 18:31

You don’t have to share anything with your mother that you don’t want to share. If telling her about fertility treatment makes you uncomfortable, just don’t tell her. You don’t even have to tell her as soon as you are pregnant. You can wait until the pregnancy is over well-established. Depending on how often you see her, you could even wait until the baby arrives, but that is a bit extreme.

Except that OP said:

"we work together too in my business"

TotalOverhaul · 03/09/2023 18:49

I understand. You need to shift the dynamic to Adult to Adult rather than Parent to Child. If you never fully break away from a parent, however loving and benign they are, you might both be unintentionally locked into your childhood dynamic.

My DS1 is planning on living abroad for six years. My DSis did when she was in her twenties. I travelled loads with work. DS2 is much nearer but he too is aware of wanting and needing to break that umbilical cord (which is very strong with him as he has SEN) It is an essential process.

Even if you can't do it with physical distance, start doing it mentally. Discuss current affairs with her. Or plan to develop an aspect of your business and show her your plan. One of the big things ds2 and i try to do (as i am overprotective of him because of his issues0 is for him to disagree and say no to my suggestions or to ask me to stop giving advice and for me to respect his cut off points. he does this very well now. he just says in a very assertive but not aggressive way; thanks mum, but I've decided to... Even when I can see the problems that will arise I bite my tongue as he needs to learn from his mistakes.

Itick8outof10boxes · 03/09/2023 18:50

My dm was like this, I was 25 when I married for the second time [having been a young widow 1st time round], I had moved back home and had been seeing someone. Announced I was getting married and dm burst into hysterics and cried "He's taking her away from me." She was with 'stately homes' sf so not on her own. I cut contact for two years and only started speaking to her when expecting 1st baby.

Original poster
dobb · 03/09/2023 18:53

@Confetto

Yes this is very similar. Im hoping (if I ever manage to ☹️) that if I have children it will force a shift in the dynamic.

OP posts:
Original poster
dobb · 03/09/2023 18:57

@TotalOverhaul

This is another thing!! Just made me remember this too - she is FOREVER going on about how she always put her parents first no matter what and how much she loved doing so. Her life entirely revolves around her parents - she never went on holiday and forever did everything for them. She always mentions how she can't imagine anyone not wanting to do that.

I don't want to do that and I am absolutely not a bad person for this but I feel she thinks I'm bad for not wanting to give her everything. I have had a life where I have barely been away or travelled, I have barely any family too as they were much older than I am so unfortunately they've died. I don't want to live my life not doing anything incase my mum needs a hand with something and she doesn't get it. Am I wrong??

OP posts:
Echobelly · 03/09/2023 19:00

You don't owe your mum doing everything for her, even if you care about her. You don't have to drop everything for her or put your life on hold in case she needs you.

Bored1000 · 03/09/2023 19:01

I know what you mean,Im a professional educated woman and my mother actually delights in putting me down and talks to me like a child, speaks badly about me behind my back and rolls her eyes when I speak…it’s like she wants me to have a low opinion of myself but also wants people / other family members to have an equally low opinion of me.
I stopped telling her things about my life, if I told her about something good that was happening she would try and rain on my parade and if I told her something bad she would almost delight in telling everyone about it.
On other occasions then she would be fantastic and do anything for you…. Head wrecking! She has done a great deal of damage to my mental health.
By the way I’m not assuming your situation is the same

Original poster
dobb · 03/09/2023 19:01

And yeah I absolutely can't have time away as we are together 6 days a week. For the most of it I'm ok but I can't get past this overwhelming feeling of suffocation etc.

I'm also at the lowest point in my life due to my fertility which she doesn't care about, doesn't understand etc. I tell her very, very little about my struggles - she only knows the outcome of my surgery I've had which she has been so dismissive of and just completely ignored. She isn't aware I've been ttc for two years and I won't be telling her. She is always dismissive in terms of any problems I have and always answers 'it will go' when I've told her which hurts me and I regret saying anything at all.

OP posts:
EmilyBrontesGhost · 03/09/2023 19:03

This is another thing!! Just made me remember this too - she is FOREVER going on about how she always put her parents first no matter what and how much she loved doing so. Her life entirely revolves around her parents - she never went on holiday and forever did everything for them. She always mentions how she can't imagine anyone not wanting to do that.

Right, so she always remained a child and never really grew up and she expects you to be the same.

Original poster
dobb · 03/09/2023 19:03

@Echobelly

And that's what she'll never understand or accept. She expects me to be there and do ANYTHING because 'I should want to' and 'I should be honoured to'. I then feel guilty for not wanting to. I am always the one to depend on but I don't feel like I can have my own life too.

OP posts: