Feel like my mum has never let me grow up

[dobb]

No idea where to put this - I hope somebody can understand this!

I'm in my thirties now and I feel like my mum has never allowed me to be my own person and act my age. It's really hard to explain but I feel like I am forever suppressed and feel so unbelievably trapped and uncomfortable within myself. I'm looking to start ivf early next year and the thought of telling my mum and her knowing that I have unsuccessfully been ttc makes my skin crawl and me feel sick. I wouldn't feel the happiness others would at telling my mum if I do manage to hopefully conceive. I'd feel uncomfortable. Even typing it is making me cringe ☹️ we work together too in my business and I just feel so trapped.

I don't feel like I've ever been allowed to grow up - it's so difficult to explain, it isn't that my mum wants me to still be a child - it's just like I've not been allowed to grow.

I should add - my mum is wonderful - she isn't a toxic mother. I just can't help but feel completely trapped and reduced to a child like age.

I hope I've explained this right. Does anyone else have similar feelings or is this really unusual?

@EmilyBrontesGhost

Is that what it is? It's so confusing!

I think it will. I got on well with my mum but it was very much a mother/daughter relationship. When I had my first baby I was quite shocked at how I felt; it made me feel more of an equal.

Stop... working... with her?

It's your business, you make the decisions. Create some distance.

@donkra

I can't just stop working with her and I don't want to.

I get this OP. I am actually able to be much more able myself around my in laws who have, since I met them at 18, treated me like a person and not like they were someone’s parents.

My parents have improved but it is really baby steps. My mum still tells me off if I swear or make a crude joke.

@CateringPanic

lol exactly that too! Plus what I eat

I kind of know how you feel. I do make my own decisions, but often find myself nervous about telling my mum, in case she disapproves or tells me off. It's weird.

Your mum needs to retire.
It's very telling that you want to continue working with her, yet continually state you feel suffocated. So you are clearly not going to do anything about it.
Have a think about that.
You can see the problem, but you will not contemplate the obvious and effective solution.
Either:
She retires, or
You move away, or
Everything stays the same

Your choice.
What does your partner think?

How do you expect anything to change if you are not prepared to make any changes?

It’s your business. You don’t need her approval to make changes.

Then you're choosing your situation and letting her treat you like a child, and should probably stop moaning about it.

@donkra

Ok.

Sounds like she is trying to train you up to be her carer for old age op.
I don't think she'll be too happy when you get pregnant because you'll have a very good reason to not be at her beck and call..

She sounds a lot more controlling than you first said she was, even if it's unintentional.

I think you need to start doing things and telling her you see life differently from how she sees it. You could start by focusing on her: mum you have been so devoted to your parents, but don't you feel like you have missed out a bit as a result? You deserve to see the world a bit. Why don't you look at a cruise or a residential course? You deserve a break too.

Then build up to say you too want a break and you are planning on booking a trip either to X or to Y.

See how she reacts. If she gets all stroppy and scared, just be jolly and say, 'You'll be fine! You'll cope without me. I'll only be gone 10 days.' Don't let her talk you out of travelling.

Well you need to frankly. Otherwise the next 30 years of your life will be exactly the same. With you and possibly a child keeping your life's secret or living to appease her. Is that healthy for a child?

I’m so sorry, @dobb . I do relate to the feeling of not being able/allowed to truly grow up and be your own person, or, even the feeling that you’re just under surveillance without just cause (this is how I felt sometimes living with my adoptive parents, not sure if that’s true for you but it kind of ties in, I think).
You don’t owe her anything, and you are entitled to decide what you’d like out of your life, though I appreciate it can be hard to truly break away, especially with the guilt trips.

I felt the same when my DM was alive.we got on well..however I felt like if I had a different view she would be genuinely surprised. I felt like she wanted a big part of me miss her now though!

I am the "baby" of my family and very very close to them all. I know exactly what you mean, I am 29 and my mum still talks and treats me like I am under her belt at home. She isn't toxic at all but it's her way of parenting and guess never stopped even though I am married and about to have my 3rd baby. I had an unplanned pregnancy when I was 21 with my now DH and it was awkward, and then I had my second baby and I couldn't bring myself to tell them I was having a baby that I got my nephew to announce and with my 3rd I finally said it myself but the reason I got just confirmed how uncomfortable it is. I think in my case it's a culture thing but my mum is a very caring grandma and now I am pregnant is always looking out for me and tells me off actually if I eat or drink things that are not good. I know others may view differently but now that I am grown and a mum myself I do understand it, and have realised my mum's method of parenting has also influenced my parents with my DD's. Not sure if that helps at all but just wanted to say I get it..

So many typos but parenting

This!

I know exactly how you feel.

And I thought it was just me until my grandmother told my mother off like a young child.

For me leaving my home town allowed me to just be me for a while. If you are starting IVF then that's probably not an option. What is an option is to not tell your mother about it.

I'm here a year and some change later to say I know EXACTLY how you feel, and I hope it's gotten better for you by now! I'm 23, but my mom makes me feel so strange about growing up and literally doing what other young adults do. I'm not a big party girl, but sometimes my colleagues will want to go to the club or a lounge and she just acts so weird about it. When I try to talk to her and involve her in my life as a young girl my age, it's almost as if she shames me saying "Why would you wanna do that or go there?" Sometimes I feel as if she never gave herself the room to be young and turnt lmao. I'm still in college, I make decisions best for me and make great grades and I don't do hard drugs. I just wish she wouldn't try to make me feel weird for something she's obviously not confident or secure enough to do.

Sounds like the IVF thing will be good practice for doing your own thing and being your own person, without waiting for her to "let" you. (It will never happen. Freedom will never be given to you. You have to take it). Don't tell her you're doing IVF; don't tell her anything unless you get pregnant (at least three months in).

If you do have a child, I think you might find it easier to just tell her that you've got a priority that always tops her. Because you will.

If you're going to feel crap either way, you might as well feel crap while doing the stuff you want to do. Practice some set phrases and repeat as needed (like everything else, gets easier with practice). "No, I'm not going to do that". "I won't be discussing that". If she tells you what you "should" want, then it's "No, I don't think I should want to do that - and also, I don't want to do that. So I'm not going to". And so on. The world will keep turning, your mother will not come to any harm at all, and as time goes on and you see that the sky hasn't fallen, you will learn not to feel guilty. You've just got to practice.

From what you've written it does sound as though she's controlling, and you're unhealthily enmeshed. If the thought of pulling away and creating some healthy distance so you can begin to live your adult life sounds difficult, then all the more reason to do so.

I would also start with work, you need some physcal distance, and some therapy to help you create emotional distance. If you stick on this path, you have an overinvolved and controlling granny on your hands for a few years before you become a full time carer under duress. This is your life, not hers. Cut the cord, she hasn't been able to.

I should add-my mum is wonderful-she isn't a toxic mother.

Well, the more you post, the more toxic her expectations of you sound!

You say you are doing IVF, but only refer to ‘I’-are you doing it alone or do you have a partner? Do you live with them?

I think you need to look at finding work away from your mother-this set up sounds incredibly claustrophobic.

I’m sorry op, but your mum is far from wonderful.
Please try and stop being so guilt tripped by her, and good luck with your ivf.