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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To plan weekend which friends can’t attend ?

32 replies

Kay286 · 03/09/2023 16:50

We have a close knit circle of friends 4 couples
and we regularly socialise, dinner parties each others houses , concerts etc.
1 couple has no kids , 2 couples have younger kids , 1 couple has 17/18 year olds.
the young kids all come along to events and the kids all play well.
1 of the couples with younger kids is having family visit over Christmas and they have suggested they will take the kids away for a trip so the couple can have a few nights break.
The couple are pleased as rarely get child free time and have suggested we all do a couple of nights together in London.
we’ve started planning but the other couple with young kids just cannot get childcare … they are gutted so are we. What do we now can we still go without them or is that a bit shitty ?

OP posts:
Cosycardigans · 03/09/2023 16:53

That would feel a bit shitty. Could you all chip in 75 percent of a babysitter for them?

Cosycardigans · 03/09/2023 16:55

Oh I've just read it's a break away thing. Don't know what to suggest really, could you have a nice Christmas meal at their house?

NumberTheory · 03/09/2023 16:57

Will the 17/18 year olds not babysit for a night?

I don’t think the couple who can’t get childcare should prevent the couple who can from having time away on one of the few occasions they have a childfree night. But it would be good for group dynamics if you all do everything you can to try and help them find childcare.

DDivaStar · 03/09/2023 16:58

Organising group stuff this is bound to happen. Personally I don't think you should all miss out but it depends on your friendships.

WarmButteryCrumpets · 03/09/2023 16:58

It's a bit unfair on the couple with unexpected child-free time if everyone else in the group refuses to do anything fun with them!

It's not as if they're deliberating excluding the others, it's just unfortunate ; you win some, you lose some!

I'd make sure you do something nice with the couple who can't get away on another date but don't ruin the others' break just for the sake of it.

billy1966 · 03/09/2023 17:01

I think you say that is such a pity we would have loved you to join us and carry on with the booking.

This happens.

You are not excluding them, they are unable to make it.

Happens l the time when you have children.

Aserena · 03/09/2023 17:01

I think the couple should take time away as a couple, and you plan something different for the group at a time when childcare can be sorted for everyone who needs it.

dammit88 · 03/09/2023 17:01

Aserena · 03/09/2023 17:01

I think the couple should take time away as a couple, and you plan something different for the group at a time when childcare can be sorted for everyone who needs it.

I agree with this :)

Original poster
Kay286 · 03/09/2023 17:07

@NumberTheory No the 17/18 year olds work in restaurants,so deffo won’t be able to have time off the Xmas period - plus that when they earn some of there best money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kay286 · 03/09/2023 17:10

@Aserena This is an option but they have recently had a holiday abroad in Italy (not child free ) but had a lovely time and really want to do the group thing … we’ve talked about it for years and finally have a chance

OP posts:
Original poster
Kay286 · 03/09/2023 17:11

@WarmButteryCrumpets this is what I think too … the rest of us still want to go… but it’s all gone a bit awkward because no-one will say it !

OP posts:
Thementalloadisreal · 03/09/2023 17:14

They’ll be sad not to come (fomo!) but I’m sure they’ll have a nice Christmas regardless and maybe you could suggest to all plan a little trip for a time when you can all make it too. If you’re close friends it won’t be the last chance for a trip together, and there might be times when others’ can’t make the next ones etc.

BellaJuno · 03/09/2023 17:15

I’d still do it, it sounds unlikely that there will be another opportunity soon to have a child-free meet up.

Could the couple with childcare issues come for one night each then swap? Depends on how far the meet up is from where you live though.

Figgygal · 03/09/2023 17:19

It's life
Why don't you go with them and arrange another event for everyone to attend as well

Original poster
Kay286 · 03/09/2023 17:21

@BellaJuno yes it’s rare for this chance unlikely again for years.

hmm it’s a possibility but we are Manchester so it’s not too close.

OP posts:
Prinnny · 03/09/2023 17:25

Of course you still all go! It’s unfortunate for the other couple but it’s for them to explore childcare options, if they really wanted to come they’d make it work!

yikey · 03/09/2023 17:27

Go for it! As gutted as I'd be, I'd still want my friends to go and have a good time :)

BorrowedThyme · 03/09/2023 17:31

It happens, are you all never going to do anything because there will always be someone who cant come?

BackToWhereItAllBegan · 03/09/2023 17:32

I think you should still go. There'll be plenty of times over the years that one couple or another is unable to make an event, that's just life (especially with young kids).
If you limit yourselves to only socializing when everyone is available, resentment will start to build up eventually. Grab every opportunity for fun you get!

SittingOnTheChair · 03/09/2023 17:35

Seriously, still go!

Unfortunately your other friends can't make it this time!

LovingMyLiver · 03/09/2023 17:35

The "stuck" couple should be making it very clear they want to rest of the group to go and have fun, whether they can end up getting childcare or not.

SummerInSun · 03/09/2023 17:37

But are the couple who can't get childcare actually saying or even hinting that the rest of you shouldn't go? You say they are gutted not to be able to - that sounds like they fully appreciate they will miss out. Obviously tough for them and you should all be tactful about it and say how sorry you are they can't come and maybe bring something back for them, but if they are decent friends they wouldn't want the rest of you - especially the couple with the unexpected childcare - to miss out. If they don't urge the rest of you to go without them that would be pretty mean of them.

Cosycardigans · 03/09/2023 17:38

Another suggestion is you all go, they do things with their kids during the day, and get a babysitter in the evening to join you for drinks and dinner?

BellaJuno · 03/09/2023 17:40

Could you switch London for Liverpool or Birmingham so it’s more do-able? That’d be a compromise I’d be happy with.

OMGitsnotgood · 03/09/2023 17:40

if it's a couple of nights, they bring their kids and take it in turns to do stuff with the group while the other one babysits. That or they don't come. We did exactly that when we had DC younger than our main friendship group. It's tough, but that's life. Their having younger DC shouldn't stop the rest of you going away together.