To feel a bit sad my Dc isn’t having a British childhood

[Remembervoguingatschool]

Just looking at the Instagram pics of friends in the U.K. from their holidays, from places like Wales & Cornwall. Just remembering the caravan stays of my childhood, the windy, rainy beach walks, finding little coves with fishing nets, having chippy for tea most might, arcades etc etc.
We live overseas and my dd has a wonderful life, but it’s very different to the one I had, she’ll have very different memories. Is it weird to feel sad she don’t experience the same things we did? (Dh is from the same area and had a similar childhood)

I do agree with you in that the U.K. has amazing cultural and historical opportunities and also that by the time kids are 10+ it’s much harder to relocate.
My kids have both loved all the things to do in the U.K. - we’re very lucky in that we travel widely and come back to the U.K. 1-2 times per year so they get their cultural and historical fill when they come here.
And we’ve even managed to visit the beach and not die 😉

I can only assume you were a trailing spouse and didn’t embrace the other country. Some people aren’t suited to living elsewhere.

I know what the pp means about not feeling like real life, and I'm not a trailing spouse. Maybe it gets easier with time.

That’s a personal choice. My non-UK life is very real.

if people feel detached that is also a choice. There are options to be involved no matter where you live. Sadly, I see so many Brits who want to live In some kind of little Britain, refusing to adapt or integrate. They choose to keep separate from other nationalities and to insist on a roast dinner every single Sunday.

Some people really shouldn’t leave their own little towns in the UK. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally, I think when you move abroad you have to find that balance between throwing yourself into your new life whilst also keeping hold of the things from the old country that you hold dear.
It can feel superficial if you don’t push to put down roots, get to really know people. you have to make the effort to build friendships more as an adult anyway and you don’t have that shared history that time brings. If you don’t do that, I can really imagine that it would feel harder to feel like you’re part of that country.

My life is completely 'real'. That's certainly not a universal immigrant experience. I'm engaged with my community and local/national politics, I feel part of DH's family, I speak the language, I'm a citizen, I vote.

It probably makes a difference for me that I moved very young so I built my whole adult life here. I also moved for love of the country and language, not for a relationship or a job. Maybe it helps too that the weather's shit - nothing dreamlike about that 😆

This thread is so interesting, I sometimes feel the same way but the other way round - my child is having a British childhood, which I didn't have. I'm very happy with my life here, love our location and lifestyle, but it sometimes feels odd that my toddler is speaking English - a language I had to study out of books, but for her it's her first language.
I also speak to her in my native language, which she can understand but doesn't speak, and when she says the odd word you can tell it's really hard and foreign for her. My native country will be just somewhere she goes for summer visits, and her childhood is already vastly different to mine. That makes me feel a bit wistful at times.
But, I had the chance to move back many times, yet chose to stay and that was for good reasons. I married a local and had my child here. That felt very "final", and actually now that I know there's no going back (we could theoretically move to my country but it would be difficult and I wouldn't want to uproot the family), I don't feel any regret at all. I've made a choice, built a life here and I'm leaning into it.
Maybe you just need to do the same - make a choice now and stand by it. Having moved many times, I think there's a lot to be said for children growing up in one place and having roots and stability. That can be in the UK or another country.

I also identify with the feeling of the immigrant/expat life not quite feeling "real". I felt like that for years, despite being integrated in every way, on paper. It sort of felt like I was living someone else's life. I think having my child here changed that though, I can't really explain it but it felt like a real turning point.

We are not in Cornwall, but within easy driving distance for weekends. We are close to Devon as well, and can commute into London. It’s possible now to have very senior jobs and wfh, so employment opportunities have increased substantially for those living outside of main hubs. It’s possible to commute a few days a week or any combination.

It will need some thought re housing and jobs and being sure about the advantages/disadvantages op. Take your time. We almost have too much choice these days and we get lost ( well I did)

We have good jobs and felt relief and at home immediately, pretty much, as did weirdly our children. We expected it to be much harder.
We were quite interesting to other families due to our travels, and they were very supportive and welcoming to us. We have lots of friends. I think the experience of living in other countries has been hugely beneficial, and allowed a perspective and understanding we didn’t possess before.

I agree with pp that our culture and its value isn’t celebrated as much as it should be. It has also been watered down by too much travel in some ways but we love travelling as a nation, and are outward looking.

I didn’t miss living abroad, apart from detesting February in England! I would get fed up, it was solved with a holiday in half term! It’s not all toasty fires and snowy days. But somehow for me on my return the most dismal day felt poetic and to be embraced because the contrast to the brightness of March only highlighted the beauty of both. I like the way it changes and the power of nature and seasons shape how we feel.

I live in a 400 year old cottage now and feel at home, and safe. It’s not the dream life I thought I wanted, jet setting and living an international life, but it offers stability, comfort and roots.

Every person I have met more or less living overseas have enthralled me, they are the most interesting bunch. Open minded, fluid, intelligent and confident well travelled children to boot. If you are living overseas you can enjoy a special life, the plan B needs to be there just in case. As my kids once said, home is wherever you and Daddy are, it touched me and remained with me. We are home to our children.

@Lastchancechica It's really interesting to read your perspective, as my kids are similar age to yours and we lived in two very similar places!

I don't miss the U.K. at all, possibly because I don't have any family there and no particular link to any city or region (parents moved around a lot, now passed away, and my only sibling also lives abroad). I miss my friends but we are in touch constantly and visit each other. I don't feel a stranger in my adopted home either. We live in a European capital so plenty of culture, international community, good schools and universities etc. I speak the language fairly fluently, and love speaking two languages every day.

What gives me pause is what you said about your friends' children growing somehow apart from them. I don't see it yet with mine but I am watchful. The kids are in a local school for the language (being bilingual is something I see as a huge plus for them), but we will probably switch to international at some point in secondary if we stay. Right now it feels like 70-80% likely we stay here and 100% unlikely we would go back to the U.K. if we didn't.

Am I depriving my kids of something indefinably British? I don't know. My childhood was all boring suburbia and I couldn't wait to escape. I loved university and I love British history and literature - but I can appreciate that just as well if not better on holiday or from a distance. I feel objectively my kids have a better life here (amazing school, multilingual, sunshine 300+ days a year so they're outside all the time, mix of local and international friends, mix of cultures and ideas). Even if in the end there is a part of their lives and experience that I cannot share fully, it seems a price worth paying.

Well said! People make nasty comments like that and in the next breath wonder why some people in other countries don't like Brits.

Anyone would think every single person in the UK is the epitome of culture and tolerance, although to be fair, that poster doesn't sound as though they spend much time in the seamier parts of town.

Oh here we go...... I live about as far from the UK as possible and could say the same about autumn here - only it lasts longer and is warmer - but of course autumn in England is "special".

You really sound like an unsufferable snob.

I’ve lived in a few countries and I very much appreciate Dc growing up in the UK

We go away for travel and always feel so at home when returning

People will feel that elsewhere but if you feel it here it’s just how it is

Autumn is special anywhere - we like it here because it coincides with fireworks day and is a firm family favourite. For a week or two we get to experience being a child again watching the awesome displays, I am sure and know other countries have similar notable cultural events.

The seamier parts of town have character and history as much as anywhere else - creativity, music and community.

That sounds like the perfect life for you and your family. As you say you have no links or family to connect to any one place so why not choose anywhere if that suits all of you.

What is the 20% reservation you have?

Despite moving around a lot I still have friends from my childhood. Parents kept in touch so we saw each other regularly on our summer travels. Many of us moved a lot so the ones who remained in one place were the odd ones out so to speak.

This was in reply to someone earlier in the thread but I forgot to quote them. Oops.

You know you just have warped memories like it was hot and sunny all summer

The reality is it we were eating suggy sandwiches with the wind blowing sand all over them moaning we were bored

They have their own memories which are equally special to them

I think you need to understand that your child isn’t British and as such her experiences of home / familiarity will be very different to yours. This is always the danger when you raise a child overseas - they would view your experiences as alien as you view theirs.

‘I think you need to understand your child isn’t British’, is factually true, but very difficult to accept and acknowledge if you want your children to grow up culturally similar to you with similar base values and understanding.

Children become a product of their environment/upbringing. Our Muslim friends are horrified by their dds lack of modesty and her piercings, but they choose a liberal, artsy school in England for her that helped her find her identity and expression in a way they hadn’t anticipated.

We can’t be surprised or judgemental when our dc are influenced to a very large degree by their environment.
Why would you have any allegiance to the U.K or your country’s heritage if you spent your childhood elsewhere.

My own children are adults and moved abroad when in their 20s. They said they're really sad we didn't move here earlier and enjoy the lifestyle children have here

@Maddy70 In the U.K.?

Perhaps it’s because I come from a migrant background and have experience of this but parents who try to influence their kids by romanticising their childhood do them a huge disservice. It happens to Indian children a lot and then we arrive to India and get treated as less than nothing because we’re foreign.

As for the example you gave - there is no requirement in Islam for women to follow modesty. It is recommended and advised but there is a higher requirement whereby the Islamic principles only count when people follow them voluntarily. So a reluctant muslim who is modest because they feel they have to be, half-asses their prayers, etc is still going to Hell. Not enough Muslims know this because most (ie from South Asia) aren’t taught how to read the Qu’ran in Arabic and rely on dodgy interpretations.

The point being you can’t raise your children in a completely different culture and country and expect them to turn out how you imagine/expect.

There will be some very unexpected developments, especially once they get married to a local person and have children, a life of their own. It may feel very alien to us. It may become increasing less familiar as their life becomes unrecognisable to yours/your hopes/expectations. Navigating future family life becomes more tricky potentially.

Your relatives sound rather narrow minded and bigoted if they reject you on the basis of being born elsewhere, but some cultures are closed and defensive.

No they moved to spain as adults but had their childhood in the uk