Am I the problem or is this mansplaining??

[thesockfairydidit]

My partner does this:

Me: So we will never know if it’s a cumulative effect in the body overtime or not!

Him: Well, we won’t know if we eat a bit today if it stays inside our body building up over time or excreted straight away.

Me: I just said exactly that!!

Him: that’s taking part in conversation….storms off accusing me of saying he is mansplaining (again)

his dad does it too….repeats back what I just said but in slow words to make sure I understand but it’s exactly what I’ve said but in a way that suggests he is educating me with new information.

my AIBU is am I getting conversations wrong and they are just reflecting back politely or are they mansplaining? All I know is I get the absolute rage in a way I never get with other people?!

I tend to say I just said that? My Partners dad looks confused when I say that and then repeats himself until I nod politely but my partner gets the rage with me if I pull him up saying I’m the problem and it’s normal conversation. Is it me??

I think you are wrong. My DH is unable to have a two-way conversation, it’s very annoying. He says something, then thinks that’s it. I don’t need to respond. But I forget and say something along the same lines / in agreement / expanding in the topic. Then he goes off the deep-end… It’s ridiculous!

He either didn't listen to what you originally said
or he didn't understand what you said and just repeated the same thing back to you using simpler words?

I (and my colleagues) do this all the time at work. But we work very technical jobs, with lots of somewhat vaguely defined terms, that can mean different things to different people.
In this scenario if I broadly understood what you were saying and wanted to confirm, I would say, 'so you mean... it builds up over time''?' using simpler language. I would acknowledge that I'm building on your point rather than introducing something completely new!
The way he's said it looks like he think's he's adding a new point because he either didn't understand what you were saying or wasn't listening.

Do you always use such academic language when discussing everyday topics?

It is really annoying that he talks about the same topic without acknowledging what you have said and without expressing how is his statement connected to yours.

I have this feeling with my female colleague at work. And I generally like her!
I ask a question (given A, I am curious about B) and get an explanation about A.
It's a professional context and there might be a slight language barrier, so I'll just try to make clear what exactly I am asking about, but I would hate facing this at home.

Oh, DP does this all the time but he has ADHD and I suspect he’s not actively trying to piss me off (he does frequently remind me he’s too lazy to actively try to piss me off and would prefer a quiet life), but more putting it into his own words, out loud, to calibrate it in his brain. And I’m some cases, hadn’t really been listening but some Dee dark part of his lizard brain has picked up on what I’m saying subconsciously, then he consciously says it because he thinks he’s thought it.

Generally I just hiss at him like an angry goose.

My FIL will literally talk (loudly, so it’s definitely deliberate) over the top of me about a totally unrelated subject, whenever I speak. I use a technique I learnt in the boardroom which is to verbally skid to a dramatic halt the moment he starts. It has the effect of meaning you’re not actually competing to be heard and more importantly, drawing everyone’s total attention to what he has done.

It’s very effective. I discovered it in my twenties when I was regularly spoken over by older men. Happened recently at a big meeting by a young, overconfident man, who had been late and who had no idea I was chairing as the ‘expert’. Fuck, I enjoyed that one.

In a similar vein for your situation, I’d call them all out on it each and every time. Calmly (because men like that will call you hysterical, otherwise).

My bloke does this sometimes; but I'll say 'I just said that!' and he'll say 'Oh, shit, yeah you did, didn't you! Well, what you said!' And we'll both have a good laugh.

It's usually because he's not heard properly; we do also do it to each other sometimes as part of the understanding-the-conversation thingy that others have touched on. But it's never a reason to fall out with each other.

We do laugh a lot, though...

OP -I totally get it but isn't just men. My (older) sister does it often to me. She has a great need to be in control (I think she has low self esteem though probably doesn't recognise it) and needs to have the last word in every discussion. She is so busy (subconsciously) trying to do so that she doesn't listen properly to what I am saying, so comes out with exactly the same thing.

So he paraphrases what you've said, but as though it's his own. Yup that's mansplaining in a nutshell. Does he ever come up with any original thoughts of his own, so the two of you actually end up having a meaningful conversation?

It's really annoying! But I admit I'm thinking you should count your blessings because my (otherwise lovely) DH has a horrible habit of telling me I'm wrong instantly, without thinking about it or acknowledging that he doesn't actually know the answer either. I then sort of tease the acknowledgement out of him and then call it out, and then he gets in a huff about it. It's hard to explain but it goes something like:

Me: My friend is selling her car, she's looking at about X for it.
Him: She won't get X for it.
Me: Really? Doesn't it depend on the condition?
Him: Yeah, but it's an old car.
Me: It's 2018 and it's only done Y miles.
Him: Oh well she should be looking at at least X.
Me: Yes, so why did you tell me I was wrong straight away?
Him: Oh not this again!

(A crap example but I can't think of a better one)

It's not every time and he seems surprised at himself when it happens, and does apologise, but it's definitely a very annoying habit!