Am I the problem or is this mansplaining??

[thesockfairydidit]

My partner does this:

Me: So we will never know if it’s a cumulative effect in the body overtime or not!

Him: Well, we won’t know if we eat a bit today if it stays inside our body building up over time or excreted straight away.

Me: I just said exactly that!!

Him: that’s taking part in conversation….storms off accusing me of saying he is mansplaining (again)

his dad does it too….repeats back what I just said but in slow words to make sure I understand but it’s exactly what I’ve said but in a way that suggests he is educating me with new information.

my AIBU is am I getting conversations wrong and they are just reflecting back politely or are they mansplaining? All I know is I get the absolute rage in a way I never get with other people?!

I tend to say I just said that? My Partners dad looks confused when I say that and then repeats himself until I nod politely but my partner gets the rage with me if I pull him up saying I’m the problem and it’s normal conversation. Is it me??

Sounds like he didn’t understand what you were saying.

Yes this, his dad does this to everything and it makes me want to shout! Why did you say “no!” What is it about I said that is wrong” when you just said the same thing” I’m wondering if a whole day with the inlaws yesterday has made me super sensitive and I had bitten my tongue for too long when he caught me in a grump this morning. This has been very helpful

I don't think he's mansplaining I think he's just not listening to you and then thinks his contribution is new.

Its not mansplaining, it's called "hepeating".

From your example, it sounds like you may talk/explain/understand in a more abstract way and he talks/explains/understands in a more concrete way, so that he has to translate/verbalise what you said before he can understand it.

You already know what you mean, so you hear his words as repetition/ not listening. He is hearing your ideas for the first time, so is thinking through/verbalising the meaning, in a way that helps him get it.

This becomes interpreted as rude and gendered as "mansplaining", but maybe it's neither

Love this 🤣

thank you!! Really helpful

My female friends have never made me feel like that…
I think you are generally irritated with him but your irritation is showing via conversations. It won't be long before his chewing will become extra loud or even his breathing, sneezing or blowing of nose will make you twitch. Start looking at your relationship as a whole, has anything changed lately so chores, childcare, money are not equal anymore?

Don t bother too much about being right or valid, at this stage, seems your instinct has kicked in.
Simply ask your partner "I feel that repeating back is really taking the energy and the fun out of our conversations, could you do something about it please?"
Check how he reacts.
If he s a good partner, he ll take it in his stride and will try to do something about it.

If he does not react well/ignores, there s something not nice happening there.

Reminds me of this 😄

Ask him if he would consider couples counselling. He could learn to converse in a different way, and learn to manage conflict differently.

What an extraordinary way to talk to your partner!

I don’t think it’s necessarily mansplaining. It could be he/they are kind of repeating what you’ve said but in their own words as a form of processing the information. The fact your partner says he’s just having a conversation suggests this (unless he’s winding you up).

I’d just reply in a neutral confirmatory way:

”Yes, exactly. I’m glad we agree.”

I'm stealing this!

This.

What if you then said exactly the same back to him? 😂 keep it going and see how many times the same sentence gets said.

Nah, sorry but it doesn’t make you a bad partner if you’d respond to that with ‘fuck off’. It would be an eminently reasonable response.

Yes, I would also inject some fun "fuck off" energy into that conversation!

Not being horrible about your DH or making excuses for him - but does he actually understand what you say? Is this for his own benefit?

My DH does this. It drives me mad mainly because he then looks to me to say something else but I don't know what because he hasn't advanced the conversation at all. So then I'm effectively just talking to myself.

I've tried explaining this to him and asking him to add to the conversation but he doesn't seem capable (although he used to be before we had children).

I don't have any answers. I think some of it is processing information in a different way as a pp said. It is true that I'm more intelligent than my DH. Is that true for you OP? If so you may just have to live with it and appreciate that he's trying to understand what you're talking about.

I now save my conversations for my friends, and just do mundane chat with DH but it does make me sad that we aren't very compatible intellectually.

My partner does exactly the same but when I say to him 'that's exactly what I just said' we both laugh and wind each other up... so I guess your dp's reaction is more the issue here

😂😂

Loving 'hepeating'. I've deffo EC

*experienced this

I m not afraid to challenge my man and set my standards

If you put it to them the right way (the way a man can get inspired by), you ll see results: either you ll see he s taking it in or he s truly useless.

I d never be in a relationship with a guy whose first reaction is to dismiss me.
When I talk in my own relationship, how weird/out there it may sound initially to him, I am going to be heard with respect.
I can be right, I can be wrong, we can talk, but heard I will be.

Not going to spend ages sitting on my hands not saying anything if something bothers me or go for a guy who doesn t listen, because it puts frustration, nagging and resentment into the DNA of your relationship, and it may take you a while to realise he actually doesn t care at all