Just want some honest opinions - no feelings hurt. Sorry this will be long
My do of 8 years, is constantly working and I have the role of being the ‘full time’ mum that does all the physical things with the children. I’m happy to be able to do everything with my kids and wouldn’t want anyone else to anyway as I feel it’s my responsibility, however, I do think dp could be more involved.
it has always been on me to do the physical raising of the kids, even when they were babies I did 99% of everything. I never got time to myself, he wouldn’t watch them for an hour for me to go out for a walk or to the shops etc or do anything. now they are of school age I have more independence back however I rely on school for that. He’s never come home and said ‘go out for an hour and have some time to yourself’ etc. every single day I am by myself with the kids while he works.
he works every day. He has his own business and doesn’t take 1 day off a week. Fair enough he comes home during the afternoon on weekdays, this time he uses to nap and catch up on sleep, then he is back out for his evening shift. He starts work at 6am and finishes at 10pm. 2 days of the week he might finish early and have the evening off.
he says this is how we are set up, that he works and I do the ‘woman’s role’. To be honest it was never my intention to just be a sahm for this long. I haven’t been able to go back to work because I didn’t have his help with the kids, no childcare and couldn’t afford the childcare anyway. Now they are in school I need to get a job that works around school time.
he is extremely successful with his business and as he gets to work ridiculous amounts of hours with no worry about looking after his kids, he has saved a ton of money over the years. As he does not have his passport yet we are unable to go on holiday or travel, we can’t get a mortgage, and basically can’t really progress at the moment. For legal reasons he has to wait another 5 years before he might get his passport. So his plan in the meantime is to continue working as much as he is and continue saving a ton of money.
I 100% appreciate he’s the most hard working man I have known, he is extremely motivated and is doing this for our children’s future. But after 8 years of being together and our relationship hasn’t really progressed and I’m still kind of just stuck around waiting for him. The idea of waiting another 5+ years before we can travel as a family, or progress and get a house etc it’s a little frustrating. Especially as this leaves me feeling stuck as I wouldn’t be able to afford to rent somewhere by myself even if I worked full time. If I worked full time I would need to pay for extra childcare outside of school hours and it just wouldn’t financially be great for me.
we rarely spend time together. The past year has been the most time he spends with me since the children were born. We went away in the uk for 5 days 4 months ago and as he had to take 5 days off work he’s been back working extremely hard to make up for that lost time. Which in my opinion is ridiculous with the amount of money he has it’s not needed.
he recently signed me and the children to a club that allows them to go to lessons while I swim or workout. I did not ask for this but appreciate it as it’s very helpful for me mentally, for the kids physically and is extremely expensive. Although I thought there were better uses for that money. I asked him recently if I get a job could we move and rent somewhere better. He shut me down and said he wants to continue where we are so he can save as much as possible.
He has spent little times with us recently, we have gone swimming as a family twice and spent a few evenings together after he finished work. He hasn’t given me much attention lately. I mention this to him and he says he’s really busy with work, that he’s had a headache etc. today is Saturday night, he started work at 7am, he should have finished at 5pm. It’s now 8:30pm, the kids are in bed and I’m here alone he is still not home. I don’t have the luxury of going to work knowing my kids are looked after, or not coming home for hours after work because I know my children are looked after. I don’t have a clue what he’s up to, I never do as he does not talk or ever send me a message. The only time he texts me is when he wants to tell me to do something, such as cook him something before he gets back home.
I have cooked all of his meals ahead for the week for him, I have baked him his favourite cake that he has been wanting, I have cleaned and tidied, I have taken the kids to a sport lesson and park and now I am here all alone. It’s easy to forget when you have children keeping you busy but when I’m alone it hits me. If he is so busy and tired that he can’t spend time or give me attention, then why is he not home on time after work?
I should also add, recently during an argument he told me he will not put all of his eggs into my basket. Yesterday after I mentioned that I want us to move and rent somewhere better he told me that he’s got ‘one foot in one foot out’ with me and not sure about me…. Now I am used to him saying hurtful things during arguments but I am getting bothered by those statements. How much longer can I wait living like this not knowing where I’m going in the future?
I should add little things bother me too, such as he has a car but I have to take kids on busses and public transport every day since they were born. It’s hard work but I get on with it. When the bus decides to terminate and we are stuck on random road have to wait for another bus to get home, or yesterday we waited 1 hour for a bus and missed the children’s sports lesson and I tried to call him but can’t get through. All these things make it more difficult. He refuses ti share his car with me, even though I have my license years before him, he uses it every day ofcourse but as my partner should he not help me more? He will drive us home occasionally when needed but most of time I am alone in this.