Don't know what to do - NC with Mum

[PurpleStarrySocks]

I decided to go non-contact with my mum about eighteen months ago. She didn't notice at first, as there wasn't much regular contact between us anyway. I used to always be the one who arranged meet-ups. I haven't arranged to meet up and neither has she. I think my mum has now twigged something isn't quite right and I think she's been trying to call me (no caller ID, as that's how she likes it). It makes me really anxious that she wants to talk to me, as she can put me on the spot with awkward questions. I don't know how to deal with the anxiety. Does anyone have any advice about dealing with going non-contact, but the other person trying to contact you? I feel uneasy and on edge about the whole situation and don't know how to resolve it.

I don't like seeing my mum, as it brings back feelings of childhood traumas. However, if I were to say that to her, I'm sure she would not see that there was anything wrong with her parenting whatsoever. When we used to spend time with my mum, she would make little effort to make "normal" conversation. If she did talk, it was generally just to criticise others. She doesn't show any interest in my life or my children's lives.

I think perhaps write a letter making it clear you don't want further contact. Hopefully she'll not be so insistent about calling you then? You don't have to reply if she writes back. At least she'll know and not be wondering if something's happened to you? She can't justify getting the police to do a welfare check etc as you've explained.

Agreeing with @MuggleMe . I haven't managed 18 months of nc but am very lc with my own mum for similar reasons.

One thing that I've also find is to remember that no is a sentence. You can say no to contact in any format, and without any explanation (because they'll use that as an excuse).

Good luck

Thank you for suggesting writing a letter. I not sure what I would write in it...I don't think there would be anyway to not make it upsetting...for both sides. I find myself having to justify going nc and asking myself if my reasons are "big enough", or if I'm being too unforgiving or too sensitive.

@Anontocomment Thank you for your advice. May I ask if you explained to your mum about needing to go lc and how that went if so?

Perhaps change your phone number.

I think you can contact your network provider and block a number from calling you, even if they withhold their number.
or you could change your number, a ball ache but guaranteed no contact!

There's always one..... just ignore the needless diatribe (gave you life and brought you up...ffs).

You have to accept that there is no way to avoid it hurting. Because no contact IS hurtful to the other party, particularly if they don't accept that they did anything wrong.

My ex thought he could use the power of his words to make his choice to go NC with some of his a kings to not be hurtful. That was sheer arrogance in his part and I told him as much.

For you, it's fear. But you can't let fear control you. Because one way or another you will still have fear. You will either fear the negative effect seeing her has in you or you fear her reaction to you not wanting to see her.

But if the fear is too great, perhaps other techniques? Low contact combined with the grey rock technique? Seeing her in short bursts where you can leave? (So not seeing her at your home, for example). You can "pop in to see her" and then have yo rush off to something else. Leaving little time for the negativity.

I didn't at the time, as she wouldn't have agreed with what I said. About halfway through she realised and was very angry amd started bombarding me with text and voice messages, so I sent a text that basically told herI wouldn't have contact until she (a) calmed down and (b) apologised for what she'd done. When she denied (event) I sent her screen shots. I also told her any contact had to go through DH. Then changed the settings on my phone to block her & dad.

She did eventually apologise, so I unblocked her, but I have little contact& she knows that if she kicks off / won'ttake no for an answer I just ignore her and block if she's too persistent.

It isn't easy and it's taken me 30 years to get to this point but my mental health suffers if I don't maintain the distance.

Do you not think that this mother must have done something pretty fucking horrific for the op to go no contact. Op mentions childhood trauma. Have some empathy.

There's another thread currently about narcissistic mothers and the emotional abuse is heart breaking

Op. I'd suggest you have a look for that and perhaps the stately homes thread for more support.

Just because someone brings you into this world doesn't mean they're a good parent. Or even a good person.

Wow, thats very passive aggressive and not at all helpful.

I'm NC with my family, and I think its better to do it with a plan and some support. I had therapy, and wrote them each a letter that explained I was breaking contact and why. Their feelings weren't my priority. I was thinking about everything they had put me through, and also safeguarding my son. I felt bad for some time afterwards - thats called FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).If going NC is a big deal, you dont want to live on tenterhooks waiting for the time they turn up on your doorstep to find out whats happening. So I recommend you see a therapist and get some support.

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You decided to 18 months ago, but you didn't inform her at the time? How does that work?

Can you write her a letter? State you suspect she’s trying to contact you and you’d like her to stop. The reason you’re no contact is years of criticism

Hello OP - I want no contact with my mother in my mid 20s because I was in therapy for the abuse she inflicted and I literally couldn't speak to her and pretend everything was OK.

For those saying that it is painful when someone ghosts you, my mother interfered with us all, kicked me down the stairs, held my head under water night after night, year after year, gripped my by the face and throat, banged my head against the wall by my hair - etc. Fifteen years of it, as we were never rescued. No contact was the right way to go, as she would not discuss these things and I was expected to keep quiet as an adult and just toe the line.

So there are times that no contact is the right thing to do.

I wrote to her and told her why I didn't want to speak to her. I was SO scared as I posted the letter. I thought she was going to rush down and 'get me' and that not a soul would either try to help or be able to help, just like before.

In the event nothing happened whatsoever. I had a few calls, but I just hung up, and that was it.

But I was petrified. I realised that it is one thing for me to want no contact, but it was a whole other thing for her to accept that - and it was scary for her to KNOW that I wanted that. It was in effect standing up to her.

It is not so much what happens, it's the knowledge. And I think all no contacters go through this - what it actually means, and having them know what you are doing and why.

So my advice to you is -
You know why
You are going to have to stick up for yourself
Tell her in some way what you are doing and why
Then boundary yourself off
Ignore calls, block her, throw away letters
Work out stock phrases for family members who try to get you back
Same for other people - I tend to simply not tell people, for they do not readily understand
Start working through what happened - 'stop coping with it, start feeling it' is what can happen - it will all come back to mind, when you are safe enough to deal with it
So work through it with journal, self help books and real therapy if you want it

And enjoy the rest of your life, uninterrupted by it all. My life has become immeasurably better since I went no contact. I am proud to have done it, after what she did to me. I joined another family 25 years ago. I have come a long way from how I was when I was still seeing my family. I have done a lot of work and set a lot of ghosts to rest. I know how to handle flashbacks and triggers. I have gone over it and over it so many times I don't need to anymore and it is never added to, because I took steps to make myself safe.

But first I had to understand what I was doing, and then have the courage to do it, tell her what and why, and then keep MYSELF safe afterwards. xxx Good luck, you can do it x

FWIW I am "low contact" with my mother. I have made the decision to keep in touch when she gets in touch. I have not made this decision lightly, but after years of her not contacting me and my siblings regularly and showing any care and concern for our lives.

But if I were ever to decide to go completely no contact, I do feel I should tell her that at the time of my decision.

I'm guessing you were already at the end of your tether when you went NC. Had you tried to communicated the issues before? Does she know deep down what the issue is? In the past had she ordered you to overlook the issue, proclaimed your perspective wrong?

I'm now nc with my mother because 4 years ago I tried to tell her my perspective and she j u s t - w o u l d - n o t - h e a r - i t.
Which was incredibly distressing for me. I went to see a therapist who very wisely I now think advised me that if I wrote a letter, then I'd have to deal with the fall out from the letter rather than healing the wound my parents' parenting had left on me. Good advice (I see now) but I was unable to take it. My parents self-righteous certainty that I had hurt them literally enraged me. the therapist was right. My parents were just outraged, martyrs, smeared me, blamed me, rejected me. So it was just more hurt for me and the wider family stroked their egos sympathising with them over their awful daughter.

So I wish I'd done what you've done so far. Maybe it's salvageable at this point?. Maybe you could go back to her and with, instead of a LETTER (which will make her defensive no doubt) maybe you could ask her why she thinks you've withdrawn.

See if she has it in her to confront what the issue is. Maybe later you can do a letter.

My own mother is unreachable. I've written letter after letter and she's too defensive to absorb anything I say. My perspective doesn't exist to her, it just makes her angry. How dare I do anything other than reflect back her rosy view of herself.

You don't mention your Dad so maybe your mother will be motivated to fix things with you if she's not 100% backed up by a co-dependant husband. My dad is so weak, when I first told my mother that glossing over the hurt she'd caused me so blithely and labelling it a grudge when it had never ever been discussed was hurtful to me, she was up on the cross and my father came over to reprimand me for hurting mum.

I do sometimes wonder how things would have panned out if I'd just quietly withdrawn. Would they have asked me what was wrong or would they have avoided that question for four years the same way they've avoided listening to me /taking a tiny bit of accountability for the last four years.

Hard to say.

You don’t need to make contact with her or explain. Set your phone to send no caller id calls straight to answerphone.

Ignore the people on here who have no understanding or experience. You have made the right decision for you. It’s fine to do what you’re doing although I’d recommend changing your number so you don’t have the anxiety of these calls.

@Thelnebriati it took me til about 3 years in to really feel that my feelings about the ''estrangement'' were my priority. Up to that point I was turning myself inside out trying to be heard by them. So their having an epiphany was my priority. It never happened.

My situation is a bit different as it's my mum who's cut me off for wanting to have a conversation. She just refuses point blank to have the conversation we need to have.

If she won't have it, then I'm not real to her. Which I understand now, I'm not real to her. I'm the part that she wrote and the first moment I stood firm in my own interpretation of events, she wrote me out. All of the wider family believe the narrative that I'm angry/emotional/sensitive/abusive. I won't give that any oxygen but even though I'd forgiven her for the past, it will be a long time before I can let go of the damage she's done in the present.

Op doesn't need to justify the trauma inflicted on her by her mum to you. If you don't want people to go NC with you, perhaps don't abuse them.

@Raggammuffin I can totally relate to that! Once you realise the lies are the problem, you can stop tying yourself in knots trying to make it work.