Page 2 | Don't know what to do - NC with Mum

PurpleStarrySocks · 2023-09-02T18:58:23+00:00

I decided to go non-contact with my mum about eighteen months ago. She didn't notice at first, as there wasn't much regular contact between us anyway. I used to always be the one who arranged meet-ups. I haven't arranged to meet up and neither has she. I think my mum has now twigged something isn't quite right and I think she's been trying to call me (no caller ID, as that's how she likes it). It makes me really anxious that she wants to talk to me, as she can put me on the spot with awkward questions. I don't know how to deal with the anxiety. Does anyone have any advice about dealing with going non-contact, but the other person trying to contact you? I feel uneasy and on edge about the whole situation and don't know how to resolve it. I don't like seeing my mum, as it brings back feelings of childhood traumas. However, if I were to say that to her, I'm sure she would not see that there was anything wrong with her parenting whatsoever. When we used to spend time with my mum, she would make little effort to make "normal" conversation. If she did talk, it was generally just to criticise others. She doesn't show any interest in my life or my children's lives.

User4732 · 03/09/2023 11:27

sodthesodoff · 03/09/2023 10:47

Do you not think that this mother must have done something pretty fucking horrific for the op to go no contact. Op mentions childhood trauma. Have some empathy.

There's another thread currently about narcissistic mothers and the emotional abuse is heart breaking

Op. I'd suggest you have a look for that and perhaps the stately homes thread for more support.

Just because someone brings you into this world doesn't mean they're a good parent. Or even a good person.

Show quote history

The OP hasn't given us any background. And all I'm suggesting is a 1 line message stating that the OP is going no contact. To not do that is deliberate cruelty. If that's what you want, OP, go for it. I note that several people on this thread who have gone no contact recommend informing the parent of the decision.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 03/09/2023 11:27

Change your phone number. Sorted.

Wildhorses2244 · 03/09/2023 11:36

I think that sometimes in situations which are really tied up with strong emotions- and you mention childhood trauma- it is sometimes easy to discount practical solutions.

The easiest way to prevent her contacting you by phone is to change your number.

Have you ever had therapy to support you with this? I feel like there is a high chance that some of the anxiety in the present would recede if you had some closure on the fear/anxiety in the past.

shiningstar2 · 03/09/2023 11:57

I am so sorry you find yourself in this place. Some childhood trauma can't be got over by staying in a relationship with abusive parents. 'Recollections vary' and the inevitable arguments when abusive people just can't see it makes everything worse. Sometimes NC is also too stressful. It may be that very low contact, giving no real information about your life could work. I know people where it has been a solution. They do brief phonecalls and sometimes go to very extended things ...cousins weddings ..where they don't need to get into proper conversations with those they don't want to and don't attend anything which might stress them. I know this might not work for you and I have huge sympathy for you op. It worked for them because they didn't have the stress of explaining their reasons, they just swap far less of the abusive people. Do what works best for you op. 💐

sodthesodoff · 03/09/2023 12:04

@User4732 no you didn't. You called the op selfish and other things I won't repeat here.

It was uncalled for. And probably why all three of your posts were deleted.

You could have said to tell the mother why she was being nc without being a dick to the op.

User4732 · 03/09/2023 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

User4732 · 03/09/2023 12:18

Maybe you should stop accusing people you don't know of abuse - you have absolutely no idea of the background.

sodthesodoff · 03/09/2023 12:22

User4732 · 03/09/2023 12:18

Maybe you should stop accusing people you don't know of abuse - you have absolutely no idea of the background.

Just give it a rest.

accusing you of what? You were rude and unhelpful to the op. End of. That's why you got deleted.

If you're so hot on abuse why you don't you leave the op alone and stop derailing her thread. You've made your point. You've called her all sorts of names. Congrats.

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 03/09/2023 12:37

A child does not owe an abusive parent anything. Not. One. Thing. Doesn’t matter how old that child becomes.

It’s taken the OPs mother 18 months to realise there’s an issue. 18 months.

OP, I blocked my mothers number. She tried sending in flying monkeys in the early days after a smear campaign which included trying to get by then husband to have me committed. I blocked those people too. It doesn’t stop the fear, that needs time. If you feel that won’t help you’ll need to change your number. A right pain initially but worth it for peace of mind.

Your fear doesn’t go away but eventually you won’t feel it on a day to day basis.

2jacqi · 03/09/2023 12:53

i would just stay no contact!! i went no contact with my mother and my older sister for five years. both have since died and i did not shed a tear when either of them passed away. it was the right thing to do and my husband totally agreed. he is always the calm one out of the pair of us. i felt totally at ease when mother died.

MaggieBsBoat · 03/09/2023 13:26

I have every sympathy @PurpleStarrySocks and am in a similar position myself. Sadly I succumbed to pressure from a family member and now my mother has obtained (as she sees it) the upper hand and again my power has been taken away from me and I feel small and in more pain.
My take away is this, block your mother . Block her and don’t look back. Don’t make my mistake. She will never see what she has done. They don’t. There’s no point in trying to obtain peace or apology from these people. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Original poster

PurpleStarrySocks · 03/09/2023 14:23

Thank you to everyone who's been supportive and understanding. It's really helping to hear all of your advice and experiences.

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PurpleStarrySocks · 03/09/2023 14:28

@OrderOfTheKookaburra
Thank you for your message. Can I ask what the "grey rock technique" is? Yes, you're right, there's fear on my part and I'm struggling with it.

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PurpleStarrySocks · 03/09/2023 14:37

@sodthesodoff
Thank you for suggesting other threads, which I'll definitely take a look at. Thank you also for standing up to the nasty "Userxxx" person who posted on this thread. Fortunately, it seems I was sparred some of the nastiness, as some of the posts had been deleted before I saw them.

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PurpleStarrySocks · 03/09/2023 14:40

Thelnebriati · 03/09/2023 10:54

I'm NC with my family, and I think its better to do it with a plan and some support. I had therapy, and wrote them each a letter that explained I was breaking contact and why. Their feelings weren't my priority. I was thinking about everything they had put me through, and also safeguarding my son. I felt bad for some time afterwards - thats called FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).If going NC is a big deal, you dont want to live on tenterhooks waiting for the time they turn up on your doorstep to find out whats happening. So I recommend you see a therapist and get some support.

Thank you for sharing your experience and for mentioning FOG. I feel all three and it's a relief to know it's normal to feel like this. Yes, I think I may well look into getting some therapy.

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PurpleStarrySocks · 03/09/2023 14:48

something2say · 03/09/2023 11:00

Hello OP - I want no contact with my mother in my mid 20s because I was in therapy for the abuse she inflicted and I literally couldn't speak to her and pretend everything was OK.

For those saying that it is painful when someone ghosts you, my mother interfered with us all, kicked me down the stairs, held my head under water night after night, year after year, gripped my by the face and throat, banged my head against the wall by my hair - etc. Fifteen years of it, as we were never rescued. No contact was the right way to go, as she would not discuss these things and I was expected to keep quiet as an adult and just toe the line.

So there are times that no contact is the right thing to do.

I wrote to her and told her why I didn't want to speak to her. I was SO scared as I posted the letter. I thought she was going to rush down and 'get me' and that not a soul would either try to help or be able to help, just like before.

In the event nothing happened whatsoever. I had a few calls, but I just hung up, and that was it.

But I was petrified. I realised that it is one thing for me to want no contact, but it was a whole other thing for her to accept that - and it was scary for her to KNOW that I wanted that. It was in effect standing up to her.

It is not so much what happens, it's the knowledge. And I think all no contacters go through this - what it actually means, and having them know what you are doing and why.

So my advice to you is -
You know why
You are going to have to stick up for yourself
Tell her in some way what you are doing and why
Then boundary yourself off
Ignore calls, block her, throw away letters
Work out stock phrases for family members who try to get you back
Same for other people - I tend to simply not tell people, for they do not readily understand
Start working through what happened - 'stop coping with it, start feeling it' is what can happen - it will all come back to mind, when you are safe enough to deal with it
So work through it with journal, self help books and real therapy if you want it

And enjoy the rest of your life, uninterrupted by it all. My life has become immeasurably better since I went no contact. I am proud to have done it, after what she did to me. I joined another family 25 years ago. I have come a long way from how I was when I was still seeing my family. I have done a lot of work and set a lot of ghosts to rest. I know how to handle flashbacks and triggers. I have gone over it and over it so many times I don't need to anymore and it is never added to, because I took steps to make myself safe.

But first I had to understand what I was doing, and then have the courage to do it, tell her what and why, and then keep MYSELF safe afterwards. xxx Good luck, you can do it x

@something2say
Thank you for sharing what happened to you, which was truly terrible. Well done for finding the strength to stand up to your mum and I'm pleased for you that your life is better now.

I have spent years "pretending everything is OK", but don't want to any more. My mum would never understand why I want to go nc, as for years I have tried to be dutiful, do the right thing, bite my tongue and never let on how I felt.

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PurpleStarrySocks · 03/09/2023 14:59

Raggammuffin · 03/09/2023 11:05

I'm guessing you were already at the end of your tether when you went NC. Had you tried to communicated the issues before? Does she know deep down what the issue is? In the past had she ordered you to overlook the issue, proclaimed your perspective wrong?

I'm now nc with my mother because 4 years ago I tried to tell her my perspective and she j u s t - w o u l d - n o t - h e a r - i t.
Which was incredibly distressing for me. I went to see a therapist who very wisely I now think advised me that if I wrote a letter, then I'd have to deal with the fall out from the letter rather than healing the wound my parents' parenting had left on me. Good advice (I see now) but I was unable to take it. My parents self-righteous certainty that I had hurt them literally enraged me. the therapist was right. My parents were just outraged, martyrs, smeared me, blamed me, rejected me. So it was just more hurt for me and the wider family stroked their egos sympathising with them over their awful daughter.

So I wish I'd done what you've done so far. Maybe it's salvageable at this point?. Maybe you could go back to her and with, instead of a LETTER (which will make her defensive no doubt) maybe you could ask her why she thinks you've withdrawn.

See if she has it in her to confront what the issue is. Maybe later you can do a letter.

My own mother is unreachable. I've written letter after letter and she's too defensive to absorb anything I say. My perspective doesn't exist to her, it just makes her angry. How dare I do anything other than reflect back her rosy view of herself.

You don't mention your Dad so maybe your mother will be motivated to fix things with you if she's not 100% backed up by a co-dependant husband. My dad is so weak, when I first told my mother that glossing over the hurt she'd caused me so blithely and labelling it a grudge when it had never ever been discussed was hurtful to me, she was up on the cross and my father came over to reprimand me for hurting mum.

I do sometimes wonder how things would have panned out if I'd just quietly withdrawn. Would they have asked me what was wrong or would they have avoided that question for four years the same way they've avoided listening to me /taking a tiny bit of accountability for the last four years.

Hard to say.

@Raggammuffin
Thank you for sharing the tough times you've been through.

I haven't tried to communicate any issues with my mum before, as she would just be defensive, or justify the things she did.

I think things would be salvageable at this point if I just carried on pretending that everything is OK and plastering on a cheery face. I'm tired of pretending and I'm done with dreading seeing her.

I didn't t mention my dad, as my parents divorced when I was toddler age, then my mum moved us to another country and we barely got to see our dad. I also fairly recently went through trying to establish who my biological father was (DNA tests etc). Once I knew, I told my dad and he told me that my mum had told him that I want his daughter when I was born. I am angry that she basically denied a relationship with my dad.

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Original poster

PurpleStarrySocks · 03/09/2023 15:13

shiningstar2 · 03/09/2023 11:57

I am so sorry you find yourself in this place. Some childhood trauma can't be got over by staying in a relationship with abusive parents. 'Recollections vary' and the inevitable arguments when abusive people just can't see it makes everything worse. Sometimes NC is also too stressful. It may be that very low contact, giving no real information about your life could work. I know people where it has been a solution. They do brief phonecalls and sometimes go to very extended things ...cousins weddings ..where they don't need to get into proper conversations with those they don't want to and don't attend anything which might stress them. I know this might not work for you and I have huge sympathy for you op. It worked for them because they didn't have the stress of explaining their reasons, they just swap far less of the abusive people. Do what works best for you op. 💐

@shiningstar2
Thank you for your advice. I have thought about lc. I could cope with messages perhaps, but I don't want phone calls or face to face meet ups.

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Original poster

PurpleStarrySocks · 03/09/2023 15:22

MaggieBsBoat · 03/09/2023 13:26

I have every sympathy @PurpleStarrySocks and am in a similar position myself. Sadly I succumbed to pressure from a family member and now my mother has obtained (as she sees it) the upper hand and again my power has been taken away from me and I feel small and in more pain.
My take away is this, block your mother . Block her and don’t look back. Don’t make my mistake. She will never see what she has done. They don’t. There’s no point in trying to obtain peace or apology from these people. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

@MaggieBsBoat
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to hear that your mum has gained control of your life again. 😥

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