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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my partner to get rid of dead pets stuff?

38 replies

Tiabeenie · 02/09/2023 18:02

Name changed and just want some perspective. Please be kind as I know it’s a sensitive topic.

My partner’s pet unfortunately died almost 6 months ago. It was very sudden and tragic and they’re obviously sad about it. We have now moved in together and I’m a little stressed about the lack of space. We’re in a small one bed flat so space is very limited. My issue is DP insists he wants to keep a lot of his pets stuff but we just don’t have the space for it. We’ve already cleared out a lot of our things but we still have barely any space. Some of the items he wants to keep are quite bulky and they’re taking up valuable space. I gently broached the subject today but he got emotional and said he can’t do it. He knows it’s not rational but he can’t bear to part with them. How do I go about this? We are stuck renting our place for the next 18 months at least and the situation is worrying me. He has mild hoarding tendencies and had a few funny turns when we cleared some stuff out. He’s said it’s even possible he’ll bring the items with us to our new house when we eventually buy.

I’m sympathetic to his situation but I just don’t think this is normal. Am I being insensitive? I feel like I’m not being heard when I say we need to prioritise necessary items. He brings his pets bed in our bedroom every night and sleeps next to it which I also find concerning. Their feeding bowl has also been left out. It feels like I have to put up with a pet shrine and it makes me a little uneasy. I’m trying to be sensitive but I’m really struggling with the amount of “stuff”

OP posts:
Paq · 02/09/2023 18:04

Not normal or rational. Think very carefully about tying yourself to this man.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 02/09/2023 18:06

Is he hoping or planning on buying the same sort of pet again so wants to keep the items for that?

Like keeping a dog basket for the next dog or cage for the next hamster etc

Original poster
Tiabeenie · 02/09/2023 18:09

No definitely not getting another pet ever. He just wants to keep most of their stuff. He’s gotten rid of small toys but kept all the big stuff

OP posts:
LuvSmallDogs · 02/09/2023 18:10

If some of the items are in good condition/would be expensive new, you could talk to your partner about seeing if a local shelter or charity shop would like them, so that his pet's belongings are "doing something good".

Original poster
Tiabeenie · 02/09/2023 18:10

I’ve never lost a pet so don’t really know what the grieving/closure process is like. Do people typically hold on to these types of things for a long time?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiabeenie · 02/09/2023 18:11

@LuvSmallDogs this is a good suggestion but I doubt he’ll go for it. He literally can’t bear to not have the stuff in the flat

OP posts:
andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 02/09/2023 18:11

What are the items he's keeping? I do think it's normal to keep a couple of mementos.

Zipps · 02/09/2023 18:12

It's really hard losing a beloved pet and he's obviously struggling with it's death so I think he needs more time. Would donating the bed to a pet shelter ease his pain a bit? Does he have any photos of his pet that he could frame? Can he talk about the happy times they shared together?
You need to be gentle with him imo.

Original poster
Tiabeenie · 02/09/2023 18:13

@andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow 2 scratching posts, 2 big carriers, feeding bowl, some toys and a bed. He wanted to keep the litter tray but I pushed back on that and he’s now gotten rid of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiabeenie · 02/09/2023 18:14

@Zipps he has photos and some fur and other little mementos. I don’t mind these as they don’t take up much space at all. I’m really trying to be patient but the lack of space and the amount of clutter has been an issue for a while now. Most of the stuff is his. There’s barely room for my things. It doesn’t feel like it’s my home too

OP posts:
Tronkmanton · 02/09/2023 18:15

Tricky one. Having just sold my late horse’s saddle, 18 months after he was pts and 5 years after I retired him & stopped riding him, I’m hardly one to talk! However I did think I might need it for future horses but haven’t needed to in the end.
I second what a previous poster suggested & recommend he gives the stuff to a charity? I did that with lots of horse stuff recently & consoled myself that I was doing a good thing and felt better about it. Maybe soften the blow by getting him a lovely framed photo of the pet or some other (small!) momento?

Floopyfloop · 02/09/2023 18:15

Having lost two long living beloved family dogs over the years I can say that this is definitely not healthy or common. Has he considered counselling?

I can understand keeping the items If he is waiting a short while to get a new pet but just to keep them is concerning.

Mammma91 · 02/09/2023 18:15

I kept my dog of 16 years collar and name tag. Also kept his blanket but these are easily stored away. If and when my 3 cats pass, cat posts will either be donated if still have life left, or disposed of as they’re too large to keep. I think keeping something small as a reminder is normal, but large things I wouldn’t say so.

Malarandras · 02/09/2023 18:17

He needs to be getting rid of this stuff if he takes your relationship seriously. At the moment he is saying a dead pet is more important than you. I’ve lost pets, I’ve even lost a husband, so I get that it’s difficult. But life has to go on. If he cares about you he just needs to get rid of the stuff. If he won’t then I’d carefully think about whether you are getting what you need from this relationship OP.

BungleandGeorge · 02/09/2023 18:17

I’d keep it for the next pet. What is the reason he will ‘never’ be getting another pet? Is it because you don’t want any? Possibly the thought of never having anymorenisnt helping the grief but taking the pet bad to bed with him is pretty odd…

WhateverMate · 02/09/2023 18:18

He's a hoarder.

He's very likely just hoarding rather than grieving.

No way in a million years would I ever knowingly move in with a hoarder. I'd see if therapy helped first and if it didn't, or they refused to get help, that'd be that for me.

It won't get easier OP.

Purpleavocado · 02/09/2023 18:19

Try watching Dana K White on YouTube, her method of dealing with clutter is non judgemental.
Ask him where he'd look for the pet stuff first. Then go with him to where he says. Eg a hall cupboard. Say okay you want to keep this but not everything will fit, so what do you want to get rid of? Or maybe a crate would fit in the cupboard? Which are his favourite pet things, put them in the crate.

SlightlyJaded · 02/09/2023 18:19

I think the. crux of this is found in your disclosure that he has 'mild hoarding tendencies'.

This is not normal.

A collar
A small toy
A framed photo

Normal.

The stuff you describe - way way too much. Also the fact that he can't see that there isn't space for them. That's the bit that worries me. Hoarders choose keeping everything over normal living conditions.

I would think very hard about buying a house with this person.

Buzzardandsparrowarefriends · 02/09/2023 18:19

Who decides what is normal in grief?
Some things are more common but people grieve differently.

By pushing him, he will
likely push back.
It may be better to let him talk about how he feels. That helps the process.

It may be his first loss with a direct bond.

Buzzardandsparrowarefriends · 02/09/2023 18:22

If he is hoarding other things then that would be symptomatic of a bigger problem.

How does he handle life problems in general?

DiddlyDonut · 02/09/2023 18:22

YABU

I've lost people and pets in the past. However having to put my dog to sleep absolutely broke me.
I've got a box with lots of her items in.

6 months is still quite raw.

Has he got any other items to reduce down on to help with the space eg clothes he doesn't wear etc

Dolores87 · 02/09/2023 18:22

Did you move into his flat?

I would move back out until he's ready to either get rid of the stuff or have a new pet using it. I don't think it's ok to move into his flat and insist he chuck his stuff away but also I couldn't live in this environment. You don't have to live together.

CharlotteRose90 · 02/09/2023 18:23

It’s bloody hard losing a pet, I lost my girl 3 years ago and I threw her stuff out the next day. I regret it every day. Animals are part of your family and hell bin the stuff when he’s ready .

Shade17 · 02/09/2023 18:26

It’s normal to want to keep some small items, some of my beloved dog’s things are in a small box and I have her ashes, I’ll keep these things forever and they take up very little space. It’s a bit odd to keep large things though unless for practical reasons, although our new dog doesn’t have anything which belonged to our old one.

There are some really good counsellors out there who specialise in pet bereavement, maybe that would be a good idea. Don’t underestimate how devastating the loss of a pet can be. I still struggle at times a year after losing my dog.

PhilMitchellsleatherbomber · 02/09/2023 18:29

I’ve kept my little dogs coat and leads which are still on the hooks in the entrance, I like seeing them there it brings me comfort, I’ve also kept a small basket of her favourite toys together with her favourite blanket, I’ve got special little boxes for her fur clippings and a framed picture of her paw print and pictures in frames of her. The practical stuff we donated.

It sounds like your partner is really struggling with the manner in which his pet died, the Blue Cross have a bereavement helpline which might help him to come to terms with what happened, it sounds like he is stuck in his trauma, I feel for him, a beloved pet dying is so hard at the best of times but if it’s thorough a tragic accident or similar it must be dreadful to come to terms with, I really think he needs some support through counselling.