To want my partner to get rid of dead pets stuff?

[Tiabeenie]

Name changed and just want some perspective. Please be kind as I know it’s a sensitive topic.

My partner’s pet unfortunately died almost 6 months ago. It was very sudden and tragic and they’re obviously sad about it. We have now moved in together and I’m a little stressed about the lack of space. We’re in a small one bed flat so space is very limited. My issue is DP insists he wants to keep a lot of his pets stuff but we just don’t have the space for it. We’ve already cleared out a lot of our things but we still have barely any space. Some of the items he wants to keep are quite bulky and they’re taking up valuable space. I gently broached the subject today but he got emotional and said he can’t do it. He knows it’s not rational but he can’t bear to part with them. How do I go about this? We are stuck renting our place for the next 18 months at least and the situation is worrying me. He has mild hoarding tendencies and had a few funny turns when we cleared some stuff out. He’s said it’s even possible he’ll bring the items with us to our new house when we eventually buy.

I’m sympathetic to his situation but I just don’t think this is normal. Am I being insensitive? I feel like I’m not being heard when I say we need to prioritise necessary items. He brings his pets bed in our bedroom every night and sleeps next to it which I also find concerning. Their feeding bowl has also been left out. It feels like I have to put up with a pet shrine and it makes me a little uneasy. I’m trying to be sensitive but I’m really struggling with the amount of “stuff”

Pets are like family and he will be grieving. I still regularly think about my family dog who died over 15 years ago. Keeping one or 2 small mementos is fine but the pet shrine thing is just mentally unhealthy. My husband also has lots of pet accessories for our very much alive dog and even I find that too much (she doesn’t need all that crap and it doesn’t get used).

If you can't do what has been suggested so far, why don't you suggest that he pay for a storage unit where these items could be kept? If he's paying extra just to keep these items, he might see the wisdom in getting rid of them entirely. I am very pleased that you managed to convince him that he didn't need to bring a litter box. That would be grim.

I was also going to suggest a storage unit. It could be a useful halfway house between keeping things around and throwing/giving it away. If he’s not ready to have all the things out of the house yet, perhaps some of the other clutter could be boxed up and stored, or slowly move out an item or two.

the bereavement helpline also sounds useful

Thank you for all your responses and suggestions. I’ll definitely recommend the bereavement helpline as I think that could help massively. I’ve just spoken to him about it again and he got teary and said he can’t part with them as it’s too hard. He says they remind him of happy times with his pet. I understand this but I’d love to have a bit more space. He’s done very well with decluttering even though I’m sure it caused some distress. I’m not overly sentimental about things which is another reason I’m struggling to understand his stance on this. He’s not a massive hoarder by any means but he definitely holds on to things he doesn’t need to. I suggested donating the carriers and he said he may look into it. Also compromised and said he’ll get rid of one of the scratching posts which is progress I guess.

This is not normal. He needs to speak to someone if he’s still holding on to this cat stuff! Especially as it’s bulky. A collar fair enough, all this other stuff is strange!

Here’s the link OP https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss
Also what helped me was watching some self help pet bereavement videos on YouTube, there are also some groups on Facebook which might help him as well.

I kept most of my pets stuff and I could not bear to get rid of it, it’s an awful feeling like you still want them to be there. I have a shrine type thing on a shelf with their ashes, photos and a toy and their lead and their bed is in my front room I don’t think I will ever get rid of it. I don’t have space issues though. Grief isn’t weird it’s hard

A couple of mementos is normal.

He brings his pets bed in our bedroom every night and sleeps next to it which I also find concerning.

This is not normal.

I would not judge him based on other people's way of dealing with grief or things on the internet. Personally, I like to keep things that are of sentimental value to me. It may be seen as waste of space by other people but noone can know except himself. The problem is you seem to not being able to see things from his view and just worry about the lack of space. He has been trying and I think you need to take a step back and remember he is a person with feelings too. I am not sure who can say what is normal and what is not. If it bugs you too much, you don't have to move in with him honestly.

Call me heartless, but, jeez, its just a cat. I've lost three. Sad for a few days. Wouldn't describe it as grief. I save that for people.

Tell him to sort it!!

My aunt kept the dog bed under her kitchen table, it was still there when she died. The dog died years before.

I have the Christmas jumper and scarf that my very first cat used to wear in a drawer along with her ashes and paw print and the ashes and paw print of my other cat who died a couple of years ago.

I've got other cats including her sister so all toys (bar one which was cremated with her)etc, are reused. But I can imagine it being hard to get rid of things like that.

Did you move into your boyfriend's flat or did you both move into a new flat together? I think that makes a difference - if you've moved into his home, then I don't think you should really be expecting him to chuck out loads of his possessions, and it's not up to you to decide what he needs and doesn't need to keep.

I lost my beloved pet over a year ago and still grieve for her, I’d say I cry at least once a week when thinking about her. Some people might think thats OTT or it’s time to move on, but honestly I think it is absolutely normal to grieve like that for an animal which played such a huge part in my family dynamic for such a long time.

I have kept a lot of her things including bedding. I had it out for a while but I knew it wasn’t healthy or right for me to do that, especially when space is limited. I bought a wonderful memory box and packed her items up into it. Maybe once a month I get the box out to go through it all and think about her, but to keep her memory alive in a more space friendly way I instead had some wonderful pictures of her printed on quality photo paper and then framed.

Could you perhaps help facilitate something like this for your partner? Try to understand his need to keep the items but speak to him about putting them away so they are not taking up space 24/7. Then perhaps gift him some special photos to put up in your house instead?