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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Father refusing to give daughter back

27 replies

rhah · 02/09/2023 16:32

Posting here for traffic, I'm sorry.

Posting for a friend.

Her ex was meant to have contact with their almost 2 year old and is now refusing to give her back.

He unfortunately has parental responsibility.

He is a drinker and sniffs cocaine most days.

Does ANYONE have any advice please? She's absolutely absolutely beside herself.

OP posts:

AmyandPhilipfan · 02/09/2023 16:34

Does she have the address? Ring the emergency duty team for that area's child services department and explain the ex is behaving erratically, he hasn't returned the child after a prearranged contact visit, he is known to abuse alcohol and drugs and you are very concerned for the child's well-being.

jallopeno · 02/09/2023 16:35

Phone the police

Eachpeachpears · 02/09/2023 16:36

Ring police. State there's a concern for welfare. Go to the address they're at and wait for police to arrive

Natureswick · 02/09/2023 16:36

As he has parental responsibility it is difficult as he has every right that she has.
However she needs to contact a family solicitor as there may be emergency court orders she can get etc.

As for him - does she think he will go through with keeping the child, realistically?
Is he saying this to hurt her?
If he drinks and take drugs he will soon realise that the responsibility of a 2 year old doesn't really give space for those activities, the child would be a hindrance to him.
Does he work? How would he work with toddler in tow
Would his family assist her at all.
Such a scary situation for your friend, I hope she sorts it out

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 02/09/2023 16:36

https://www.andrewisaacs.co.uk/my-ex-partner-is-refusing-to-return-my-child-what-can-i-do/#:~:text=If%20you%20are%20unable%20to,the%20return%20of%20your%20child.

My ex-partner is refusing to return my child, what can I do?

This can be very traumatic for the parent left not knowing what they can do legally to have their child returned to them. Here I have set out some steps

https://www.andrewisaacs.co.uk/my-ex-partner-is-refusing-to-return-my-child-what-can-i-do#:~:text=If%20you%20are%20unable%20to,the%20return%20of%20your%20child.

Peonyblush81 · 02/09/2023 16:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

liveforsummer · 02/09/2023 16:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Any father on the birth certificate has PR unless it's been removed by a court but that's very rare

kittybiscuits · 02/09/2023 16:50

Your friend should call the police and ask for a safe and well check because of drug and alcohol misuse and failure to return the child from contact. If the child isn't back by Monday she should file to court for an emergency hearing, seeking a residence order so that she has recourse in future if the child isn't returned. Maybe it's also time to say contact has to be supervised in a contact centre.

VeryGoodVeryNice · 02/09/2023 16:51

The police won’t be able to do anything, as he has PR. She will not be able to do anythIng until Monday when she will need to contact a solicitor to get an emergency hearing at court to get a prohibited steps order.

Speaking from experience here.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 02/09/2023 17:00

Imo tell him great she is off out as it isn't often she gets the chance...bet that dc is back before bed..

QOFE · 02/09/2023 17:02

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 02/09/2023 17:00

Imo tell him great she is off out as it isn't often she gets the chance...bet that dc is back before bed..

I was coming to say just this.

She should just text and say "yayy thanks for letting me know, I'll be able to make that night out with X from work after all".

And then sit back and wait for the prick to change his mind.

Peonyblush81 · 02/09/2023 17:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RandomMess · 02/09/2023 17:17

She can ask the police to do a welfare check and cite that he both drinks & takes cocaine and the failing to return is unexpected.

Wildhorses2244 · 02/09/2023 17:27

i think that the big question here is whether she feels that the child is safe with him.

If so, I would seek to de-escalate in the hopes that he returns her. So something like “Totally happy for you to have her extra over the weekend- actually that works really well for me - but just a heads up that she needs to be home before 8 on Monday so that I can get her to school “

If she’s not safe then I think that you need police welfare checks.

Either way, an urgent court order on Monday and only supervised contact going forward…

JibbaJab · 02/09/2023 17:30

So sorry you're friend is going through this. Unfortunately there is nothing the police can do, I am in the same situation albeit the father. It's been four months without any form of contact.

Get a solicitor and see if they can get through and may have to get court proceedings in motion like I have had to.

MikeRafone · 02/09/2023 17:34

Gosh this is so worrying for you friend. Do you have any idea why he is doing this?

Sirzy · 02/09/2023 17:37

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 02/09/2023 17:00

Imo tell him great she is off out as it isn't often she gets the chance...bet that dc is back before bed..

This is probably the most accurate way to deal with things. With a lot of situations like this the more frustration she shows the more it will fuel him.

given he has PR and is allowed contact i don’t think police and other services will do much at this point.

on Monday she needs to seek proper legal advice

good luck!

OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 02/09/2023 17:44

How long has the contact arrangement been in place?
Is it court ordered?

JibbaJab · 02/09/2023 17:44

No, don't say things like that. Depending on which way he will go he can use anything against you.

I've not even done anything wrong and everything I have done, through right channels have been used against me. Even trying to regain access early on when it happened has had the police on my back with false allegations.

Desecratedcoconut · 02/09/2023 17:46

Sirzy · 02/09/2023 17:37

This is probably the most accurate way to deal with things. With a lot of situations like this the more frustration she shows the more it will fuel him.

given he has PR and is allowed contact i don’t think police and other services will do much at this point.

on Monday she needs to seek proper legal advice

good luck!

Show quote history

Complete novice in this situation but if you send the text as above, doesn't it erode your legal route to claim he isn't the suitable resident parent thereafter?

Chippy4me · 02/09/2023 17:46

How long has he had them?

Does he have a passport for them?

If there are any concerns for their safety then ring the police.

JibbaJab · 02/09/2023 17:49

Desecratedcoconut · 02/09/2023 17:46

Complete novice in this situation but if you send the text as above, doesn't it erode your legal route to claim he isn't the suitable resident parent thereafter?

Show quote history

Yes it would. Anything like that can be used against her down the line. He could easily say, well look, said this so that's why I didn't bother with contact.

It's absolutely insane this can happen, there is very little you can do to get it sorted unless there is risk. Mine has risk and still nothing I can do.

Redruby2020 · 02/09/2023 17:50

Wildhorses2244 · 02/09/2023 17:27

i think that the big question here is whether she feels that the child is safe with him.

If she’s not safe then I think that you need police welfare checks.

Either way, an urgent court order on Monday and only supervised contact going forward…

Well child is 2, so the school part won't help.

Sirzy · 02/09/2023 17:58

Desecratedcoconut · 02/09/2023 17:46

Complete novice in this situation but if you send the text as above, doesn't it erode your legal route to claim he isn't the suitable resident parent thereafter?

Show quote history

That is a very valid point. But I would try to avoid responding angrily as that won’t help at this point

Cowlover89 · 02/09/2023 18:15

Phone the police.

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