To be a bit concerned about this comment

[Tellerium]

NC for this

DD is going into year 2 at a small, one-form entry school. Since reception she’s been particularly friendly with one girl, let’s call her Hannah, although according to DD and school she does play fine with everyone.

There is a bit of a “mummy mafia” at our school that I’m not part of. Unfortunately Hannah’s mum has become best friends with the ringleader. Since this happened she’s wanted nothing to do with me. That’s fine for me, but DD has noticed we no longer have play dates with Hannah. I also know that group of mums keep arranging play dates and weekends away that DD isn’t invited to. Again their choice but it feels a bit sad that she’s the only one from their little group who is left out.

Anyway today DD told me at a party that Hannah said her parents had told her “why do you want play with that DD, she’s stupid, keep away from her” Now of course I’ve no idea what was actually said by Hannah or her parents but I’m not really sure how to handle this. I’m a believer in no smoke without fire and much as I can ignore the play dates part, if this kind of thing is being said, this is how bullying starts. But I feel really stuck - can’t confront the parents as they’ll deny it and accuse me of causing trouble, can’t really say anything to school because it’s not on their watch and they can’t police parents behaviour.

Just worried the ostracisation and comments will continue and actually perhaps she’d be better off somewhere else where people aren’t so bloody nasty!

It’s time to start teaching your daughter not to expend energy on people who treat you badly.

There will be other people she can be friends with so encourage that but be on the watch for bullying behaviour so you can nip it in the bud.

Thanks - you’re right. I don’t think Hannah DOES treat her badly in general now but we’ll be on the watch for bullying behaviours. The one form entry and small class bit is significant here as the choice of friends is quite limited as are the opportunities to get away from those who do treat you badly.

I don’t know but I can’t imagine an adult saying a 5 year old was stupid. So I’d assume that was her little friends Hannah’s words.

You’d hope! Whilst I agree with you, I can sort of believe SOMETHING has been said even if not those words. The weird thing is, we’ve had two whole class parties in the last few days and on both occasion Hannah came looking for DD to play with her (although DD said today they had to play “when Hannah’s parents couldn’t see us”)

I would wonder if something has happened to scare off the mum, maybe with regards to yourself or something. I have had something similar happen! I once spoke rather sternly to a kid having a playdate at our house (as he was messing around dangerously), and since then they will having nothing to do with us even though that incident aside I am a friendly approachable person. So maybe it's something like that?

I think it’s pretty unlikely her parents said that to Hannah. And I also think No Smoke Without Fire is a daft saying - people do have to be considered innocent until proven guilty - I think it’s most likely Hannah doesn’t want to play with your DD in front of some other friend for whatever kiddy reason and it’s easier to say my mum doesn’t want me to play with you.

I think I’d tackle it directly with Hannah’s mum - say your DD misses their play dates and how about starting them up again. If she isn’t keen, then you’ve tried. If you want at that point you could say that Hannah seems to have got the idea she shouldn’t play with your DD so you also want to check if anything is wrong - don’t act as if you think it came from the parents - just like it’s the sort of daft idea kids get.

Little village schools can be intense so it might be worth checking in with somewhere else nearby in case you do decide to move her. But I’d try a play date offensive with Hannah and a few other kids first.

I would stop fixating on this group and make new friends. These are probably a few kids out of a much larger class - find a new crew!

I love the fact my dc are now at secondary and the friendships don’t involve parents so much. I’d be encouraging dd to make new friends. She’ll find people who share the same values.

I would change schools. It’s only going to get much worse.

Do not do this. She will either tell you why she think you and therefore your dd are a bad influence or you will look a bit mad

So whilst I get the sentiment here, I’m not sure these parents are very nice people, which is why I wonder if something has been said.

I don’t think this is Hannah not wanting to play with DD - at both class parties this week she has come looking for her.

I probably don’t do anything as you’ve all said - but I have serious doubts about how this term is going to pan out now.

There are only 24 in her year. Fairly even split boys and girls This group is 4 or 5 of them and of the others they either keep themselves to themselves or are from another culture and tend not to mix (don’t come to parties etc)

I would approach her and say that her daughter has given the impression they don’t want her playing with your dd. Ask her if anything has happened and is this the case? You’ll know from her reaction whether it’s true. If so, discourage your dd from playing with her-at this age are there others in the class to be friends with? I realise not everyone can do this-but for me, it’s better than putting on a pretend face that everything is ok. That’s how people like this get away with this sort of thing.

I do but this is about my daughter, not my social life!

If you have concerns something will spill into school time then mention to the teacher that some comments have been made to your daughter and you would appreciate the teacher keeping an eye that all is ok in the classroom.
outsodecthe classroom, you need to give your child the opportunity to make new friends outside or school maybe through brownies, cubs, other activity groups.

Dd1 had a “friend” tell her “my mum thinks your mum is a bitch!” … her mum was also the school secretary who removed my dd’s medical information because she didn’t believe absence epilepsy was a thing and had refused dd1 school because she decided her chickenpox was still contagious when I’d had her checked by our infection control nurse at work (hospital) - one spot was infected but not infectious. That dc then started bullying dd by telling her friends she didn’t want to play with them and wanted to be left alone. Dd did want to play and was left out. I had to go in and explain the history to the teacher - he had issues with the Secretary too and was amazingly supportive, got it sorted but honestly, some parents are vile.

The dc was so sweet when they were little but at 15 she’s gobbing off in the park, smoking weed and generally awful. Thankfully not at DD’s secondary school.

it’s a tough but vital life lesson. Parents have power of persuasion at that age.

Not sure why peony’s replies were deleted. They weren’t that bad.

Op I don't agree with pp who are essentially saying this is nothing! Something has clearly been said to or in front of your dd friend for her to say that to your dd! You obviously know as an adult that something is different and usually there IS no smoke without fire! In any school there is a mummy mafia who make everyone who is not part of their little clique feel awkward or left out ( where do you think the little bullies in the class learn their behaviour?) just ignore it and encourage your dd to make different friends because usually with this type of person if you confront it everything will be twisted and pushed on to you and it will just cause a massive drama! No doubt they will move on to making someone else's life difficult when they get no reaction from you.