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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send DSC to their mums for Christmas.

28 replies

Perfectlblendedchaos · 02/09/2023 15:59

do not want to drip feed - so may be a long post.

DSC has lived with me, his dad and my DC for most of his life ( early primary school aged )
DSC is autistic with additional care needs and non verbal.
his mum used to see them sporadically with supervised access only allowed - although this was often cancelled.
DCS is to legally stay in my care and has a little sibling on the way.
he has been emotionally effected of course by the huge changes recently and we have tried to make it as stable as possible.
we keep getting taking back to court and each time the it stays the same.
at the moment there is 3 contacts a month but it ends up being 1 time max due to travelling issues. ( from mums side not mine ) I have stuck to my end of the agreement.
now the legal agreement between DP and her for Xmas was that he was with us Xmas day and he travelled down Boxing Day to drop of for supervised contact.
this agreement has been suspended for obvious reason and something that has not come up in new agreement is special occasions.
she is now requesting - that she could have him for Xmas eve - 27th of December supervised by family. I am torn by this hugely it is not in any written agreement but of course she is their mum. She will take us back to court if I say no she has made that clear- my issue is that DSC is so unsettled at the moment that the only way I have been able to handle things is to keep some sort of normal where I can. They have never spent that length of time away from us and never been away for Christmas Day.
do I await a court ruling or do we try to settle this ourselves? I am worried that the change of routine will trigger them and I will be hours away so couldn’t get there quickly to collect them.
i do however know this can been seen as well you are only step mum and that’s real family.

OP posts:
jallopeno · 02/09/2023 16:56

DCS is to legally stay in my care and has a little sibling on the way. so do you have parental rights?

I think that makes this a bit different to a "normal" step situation. I'd say let her take you to court.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/09/2023 17:01

This isn’t a typical situation. Christmas is already likely to be an overwhelming time for your DSC with so many changes to routine, has DSC even stayed with mum for that length of time before recently? I wouldn’t be sending a non-verbal child with autism and additional complex needs to stay with anybody who didn’t know them well enough to interpret communication, regulate sensory needs and behaviour etc if it could be avoided regardless of relation. Does your DSC have the concept that their mum is their biological parent? How important is that relationship to the child? Ultimately contact is about what is best for the child and not what is best for the parent, unless your DSC’s preference would be to be with their mum I wouldn’t even entertain the idea.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 02/09/2023 17:06

Imo she doesn't get to call any shots here.. If she has attempted and failed to have the order changed just tell her see her in court.. Bet her family are goading her on. Doubt she wants dc for that amount of time. It's isn't in dc's best interests imo. Especially with a new dc due.. Dc should be in the thick of it from the start to bond with new sibling and not feel pushed out..

HowToSaveAWife · 02/09/2023 17:08

This isn't a typical situation. Going by what you've said here: let her take it to court and see what's decided because really, the best thing for DSC in this case is to stay in his routine.

HolidayHappy123 · 02/09/2023 18:03

Why do you have a say in this?

Noicant · 02/09/2023 18:04

I would let her take it to court, she has sporadic contact with your DSC and xmas is bloody overwhelming. It’s unfair on your SC and I suspect you would probably have to go pick them up at some point anyway.

IhearyouClemFandango · 02/09/2023 18:05

Has something happened to dad?

Spacecowboys · 02/09/2023 18:05

What does DSC s dad think?

Dontcallmescarface · 02/09/2023 18:06

Let her take you to court. It's no way in your DSC's best interests to go somewhere for 3 days with people that he (presumably), has minimal contact with. If his mother cba to see him for the time she is allowed (missing 2 contacts a month), then she can't start demanding that the whole schedule is torn up because she now wants a few days extra.

Dontcallmescarface · 02/09/2023 18:07

HolidayHappy123 · 02/09/2023 18:03

Why do you have a say in this?

It's right there in the OP

DCS is to legally stay in my care

PegasusReturns · 02/09/2023 18:07

Where is DSCs dad in all this?

BrawnWild · 02/09/2023 18:10

What would you want her to do in order to have that time? Ensure she attends all scheduled contact, bar say 10% for illness with reasonable notice?

Would you be comfortable agreeing if she can show that commitment? And if she doesn't then you are protecting DSC from being let down and ensuring your own plans can be made without having to accommodating her flakiness last minute. You also look like you are working with her when you all know she won't make it work.

jallopeno · 02/09/2023 18:18

IhearyouClemFandango · 02/09/2023 18:05

Has something happened to dad?

Clearly

Original poster
Perfectlblendedchaos · 02/09/2023 21:15

Sorry I thought I wrote in Opening post but must have missed a sentence. Their dad is no longer unfortunately with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perfectlblendedchaos · 02/09/2023 21:18

@jallopeno yes I have PR and now a live in arraignment order.’

OP posts:
Noorandapples · 02/09/2023 21:21

If the court has ordered this strict of a visiting plan it's obviously for a good reason. Let her take you to court, it's much better to have them as a buffer for you, especially with a new baby on the way!

Frenchfancy · 02/09/2023 21:23

I think I remember once of your previous posts. So pleased that legally they stay with you.

You know the right place to be at Christmas is with family. You are that family. The one where they are safe and understood.

Original poster
Perfectlblendedchaos · 02/09/2023 21:24

@Noorandapples its logistically a nightmare. I’m trying my hardest to facilitate it all. Keep getting dragged back to courts for every thing. Making sure everyone is free for contact. They always choose the dates. But travelling around school etc it’s all just frantic.
it all seems to be fall gear since DP. There was very little interest before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perfectlblendedchaos · 02/09/2023 21:26

@Frenchfancy yes in the mean time he is to stay here and we are all thrilled but they are still fighting it at every corner.
they have financial aid and we get nothing so we are basically going through our finances at record speed.
I will always find a way though !

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 02/09/2023 21:28

Perfectlblendedchaos · 02/09/2023 21:15

Sorry I thought I wrote in Opening post but must have missed a sentence. Their dad is no longer unfortunately with us.

So who is the ‘us’ youve referred to a couple of times?

Original poster
Perfectlblendedchaos · 02/09/2023 21:31

Sorry there has always been an “us “ it’s hard to get used to just saying me.

my family however are supporting me.

OP posts:
Winnipeggy · 02/09/2023 21:49

Is the new sibling on the way with a new partner? Hope you don't me asking x

TizerorFizz · 02/09/2023 22:02

I’m confused! So DP is the child’s father? Or not? You mention an agreement with DP. Is he around or not? If the agreement agreed by the Court is Boxing Day handover, stick to it. They will have to go back to court to change it. However is the agreement with you, DP or dad?

Original poster
Perfectlblendedchaos · 02/09/2023 22:05

@Winnipeggy no. It will be DSC sibling x

OP posts:
Wildhorses2244 · 03/09/2023 07:36

I think that saying an outright no is quite likely to end up back in court.

would it be feasible to offer Boxing Day supervised by her family? Ie the original plan? And you stay close by to pick up if needed?

I guess that means your kids either spending boxing day with your family, or coming with you and having a day at soft play or something in her town?

It might be worth saying that next year she could have him for Christmas Day (staying over from Xmas eve maybe?) if she has been to every supervised contact. That would either get the contact more regular, or give you a clear reason to say no next year.

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