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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Terrible migraine, partner went out

43 replies

Boleynforsoup · 02/09/2023 05:06

Just trying to gauge if this is a red flag. I had a terrible migraine come on at work today. Somehow struggled through and got home. I was supposed to be going out with my partner tonight (we don't live together but he lives 5 minutes away).

I told him I had a migraine, was really dizzy. He said rest up and he'd see me soon and then went out to the thing we were supposed to be going to alone. I was a bit sad, seemed a bit uncaring to me but I tried to sleep the migraine off. 6 hours later I woke up from the pain of the migraine- nearly 1am and no text from him to even check how I was. I text him, said I'm really scared never had one this bad and it felt like my head was going to explode, pain had woken me up. 30 minutes later he replied with try to rest..... I said I can't rest as it's too painful and I'm scared as it's so bad. 2 hours later (gone 3am) I get a reply ' found any comfort yet?'

So he's up- I know he's sober as he was driving and isn't a big drinker- and at no point has he offered to stay with me, bring me anything, reassure me when I say I'm scared at how bad it is. No real affection or care in his messages which is very unlike him, he's usually very attentive. Im scared either a) it's a red flag or b) he's met someone out and is a cheat. My ex husband both cheated on me when I was incapacitated with a migraine and left me the next day though so my frame of reference might be screwed.... I've never worried or not trusted my current partner before. He is usually so caring and would do anything for me. And He knows there isn't anyone else nearby who I could ask to bring meds or sit with me as I'm scared.

Migraine is now beginning to subside. At the moment I have ignored his last message as I'm hurt he seems to lack and real care and don't want to go in all guns blazing and ruin everything if this is my previous relationship colouring my view. Aibu?

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 02/09/2023 05:15

I’m sorry you are feeling unwell. I have had a couple of migraines recently and I had never really understood before that it’s not just a bad headache - both times I have been terrified that something was really wrong. Has he nursed you through them previously and does he actually understand how they affect you, or could he think that with space and rest you’ll be ok? I felt wobbly and vulnerable for at least 24 hours afterwards so I would defer any discussion until you feel stronger. I can’t see anything in your post to suggest he is cheating I would think that’s your previous experience with ex coming back to haunt you.

Changingplace · 02/09/2023 05:20

Sorry you’re not feeling well, migraines are horrible.

That said, I think YABU, if someone told me they had a migraine and weren’t coming out I’d assume they were going to sleep it off and check in with them the next day.

I’m not sure what he could physically do if he was there and I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for things your ex did which aren't his fault.

Hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
Boleynforsoup · 02/09/2023 05:21

I've only had two others one since we've been together. They used to be almost weekly but are stress triggered and I've had a lot less since my terrible marriage ended 7 years ago. I've been very stressed the last couple of days due to work though.

Last time wasn't as bad but he came round and offered to bring me anything I needed, was very attentive.

The other time he had his kids so obviously they were his priority but was still very supportive via phone and offered to bring painkillers if I needed them, really caring loving messages. Checking in a lot etc.

This time is very different.

OP posts:
ChocolateCakeOverspill · 02/09/2023 05:23

He doesn’t live with you and if you’ve got a migraine you need to sleep it off.
No red flags in my view, sounds like he’s leaving you to it which is the right thing to do

Daisychainsandglitter · 02/09/2023 05:25

Hmmm I'm on the fence with this. My DH gets migraines about once a month and typically they last 3-4 days at a time.
I tend to leave him to it when he has a migraine and let him rest and sleep them off and try and keep the DC away.
So I might have gone out to if I had been your partner not that I wouldn't have cared but there's not much he can do when you're in the midst of a migraine.
I'm sorry you were scared and am
Glad you're beginning to feel a bit better.

Original poster
Boleynforsoup · 02/09/2023 05:27

Is the change in his reaction to it not strange? I know I'm probably jumping the gun on the cheating thing due to my previous experience but the lack of contact or care seems strange for him. He is usually the kindest most caring person, sending very loving messages and this isn't the case when I need it the most today.

OP posts:
PurpleBananaSmoothie · 02/09/2023 05:33

When I’ve had migraines I’ve always got rid of them by sleeping and everyone I know who has migraines also just needs to sleep them off, so I don’t think his advice is off. There isn’t much he can do and if he’s been with you before for one, he’ll know that it is likely painkillers won’t help and sleep will, so telling you to rest is the best thing. He’s texted you back in the middle of the night. If you were scared of the pain, this isn’t something he can address, it’s a matter for 111.

LightSpeeds · 02/09/2023 05:34

If you are in a relationship with someone and you are in some sort of trouble and that person doesn't offer you anything in terms of assistance, I would personally see this as a very bad sign and would be re-thinking things.

PriOn1 · 02/09/2023 05:36

I’m not sure it’s a red flag, but it might be a sign that he’s not going to be willing to nurse you as regularly as you want/need it.

You don’t say how long you’ve been together. Three occasions of debilitating pain over a short period might be quite off putting to a new partner who mostly wants an easy relationship.

Saying you can’t sleep because of the pain when you’ve just woken up sounds a bit needy to me, as does expecting him to forego a planned activity for a partner he doesn’t live with for a situation that sounds like it’s going to crop up regularly. Unless there was something practical you needed, like to be taken to hospital because you thought it might not be migraine, there’s nothing much he could do.

He has children, so maybe someone who is unwell so regularly won’t work for him. He has limited chances of social activity, so maybe wants to make the most of the time he has.

That wouldn’t make him a bad person, it only means that your situations are not really compatible.

But give yourself recovery time before you discuss it.

Original poster
Boleynforsoup · 02/09/2023 05:38

I know that sleeping a migraine off is the best cure so that's what I tried to do but it was too painful and I was really scared as it's never been so bad- longer maybe but not this painful and scary. He also knows I'm feeling vulnerable at the moment anyway due to the anniversary of my best friend's suicide so I just feel a bit abandoned and he's never done anything to make me feel this way before. He is usually so attentive, caring and loving on a daily basis.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boleynforsoup · 02/09/2023 05:42

I didn't expect him to not go out as I was just trying to sleep it off. I just thought he might have at least checked in even if he thought I might not reply as asleep as that's what he would normally do and when I text him his messages felt quite dismissive and cold.

OP posts:
OneTwoThreeShake · 02/09/2023 05:43

You're being very dramatic. He wasn't available to come and sit by your bedside, there's nothing anybody else can do for your migraine and if you're that frightened then contacting a medical service would be the way to go rather than expecting your boyfriend to drop everything and rush over for what is the third episode since you got together.

Original poster
Boleynforsoup · 02/09/2023 05:48

I don't think 3 migraines in the last two years is a lot.... as I said they used to be almost weekly and have really subsided in the last 7 years. We are in a committed relationship, but don't live together as we both have kids separately who will be leaving home in the next few years so are waiting it out. I'm really independent usually so for me to say I'm scared and need reassurance is unusual and he'd recognise that.

OP posts:
sparklefresh · 02/09/2023 05:53

OneTwoThreeShake · 02/09/2023 05:43

You're being very dramatic. He wasn't available to come and sit by your bedside, there's nothing anybody else can do for your migraine and if you're that frightened then contacting a medical service would be the way to go rather than expecting your boyfriend to drop everything and rush over for what is the third episode since you got together.

I agree with this I'm afraid.

Changingmymind66 · 02/09/2023 05:54

Ah when I've had migraines, I just switch my phone off and want to be alone. One symptom of migraine can be anxiety (both trigger it and also migraine can trigger anxiety/hopelessness feelings). Anyone who's never had a migraine doesn't realise how incapacitated they can make you. I think rest and give him the benefit of the doubt.

Calistano · 02/09/2023 05:55

I think from what you are saying he has been love bombing you and pussyfooting around you. He wanted to go on this night out, could not solve your migraine, so he did.

Nobody is going to fawn over you because you have a migraine, maybe your own mother possibly?

If someone is ultra sensitive and nice to you all the time, it's probably false. Tbf you sound very needy, he has pandered to you, nobody can keep that up forever.

Original poster
Boleynforsoup · 02/09/2023 06:03

That's just the thing I'm not needy at all usually, in fact I'd say my independence has been strange to him. Ive been on my own as a single parent for years before we got together so I don't usually expect support or help at all. I would usually just try and sleep the migraine off but this one was really scary. Ive never asked him to come round or bring anything on the other two occasions or expected it but he would always offer.

I don't normally ask for anything, he constantly offers love and support as that's the kind of person he is and usually I'd say no it's fine I just need to sleep, deal with whatever it is that I'm having an issue with and thank him for his care and concern.

My mother has late stage dementia and hasn't known who I am for years so I doubt she'd be much use.

OP posts:
PriOn1 · 02/09/2023 06:08

I think you need to talk to him. If this was a significant change in behaviour in a two year relationship, then you need to work out why it happened. He may have been love bombing you. You may be extra sensitive right now and he’s switched off because he doesn’t want to deal with it. Or there could be something else happening to him that you don’t know about.

The only way to judge is to talk to him and find out if there’s a fair reason for the change in attitude, or whether this is him starting to show you who he really is, which is different from how he’s been behaving up until now. It could be a red flag, but there’s not enough information here to judge.

Hope you feel better soon.

Alwaysdecorating · 02/09/2023 06:18

Right. So you are so independent he found it a bit strange. When he has wanted to do something before, you told him it’s fine and you wanted to sleep it off.

So this time he has left you too it and assumed if you needed something you would ask.

But you didn’t mix you just kept saying you were scared. Someone sending those messages but not actually communicating what they want would get my back up. I don’t do well with hints. I think people who hint tend to be quite manipulative. If you guess what they want and do it, it’s ‘well I didn’t ask you to’ and if you don’t pick up on the hint, you get blamed for not meeting their needs.

If you were scared and wanted him there, you should have just said. Though you seem to convinced yourself that he might have cheated because you husband had sex with someone when you got a migraine before. You do realise the migraine had nothing to do with your husband cheating? If he cheated whilst you ate dinner, or went for a walk etc would you assume your dp would cheat every time you ate or walked?

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 02/09/2023 06:19

The majority of posters have said it’s not a red flag, he’s done what anyone would have done but you’re still not happy. You wanted to check if your judgement was coloured by your ex and most are saying it is. You’re disagreeing with every poster though. I would sleep off the migraine and reassess tomorrow. If you still feel like there are red flags tomorrow, then reassess but obviously nothing is going to change your mind at the moment.

Changingplace · 02/09/2023 06:21

Boleynforsoup · 02/09/2023 05:27

Is the change in his reaction to it not strange? I know I'm probably jumping the gun on the cheating thing due to my previous experience but the lack of contact or care seems strange for him. He is usually the kindest most caring person, sending very loving messages and this isn't the case when I need it the most today.

I think the opposite- if I had a severe migraine the last thing I’d want to be doing in the middle of the night would be looking at/replying to messages on my phone - and I think him replying in the night at all is unusual.

I don’t think leaving someone to relax/sleep in the nighttime when they’re ill is odd whatsoever, it’s completely normal.

cryinglaughing · 02/09/2023 06:24

He has done exactly what I would have wanted him to do if he was my dp.

I can be out of it for 24hrs with a migraine. I would absolutely not expect my dh to sit around hand wringing and worrying about me. And the last thing I would want is to have to talk or be touched by him. I just want to retreat to my bedroom and emerge when I feel better.

I can't see why you think it is a red flag.

WeirdBarbie · 02/09/2023 06:25

OneTwoThreeShake · 02/09/2023 05:43

You're being very dramatic. He wasn't available to come and sit by your bedside, there's nothing anybody else can do for your migraine and if you're that frightened then contacting a medical service would be the way to go rather than expecting your boyfriend to drop everything and rush over for what is the third episode since you got together.

Agree.

Sorry OP, I do get you’ve had bad experiences around migraines and cheating, but you’re being a bit odd imo.

Besides, as a regular migraine sufferer are you sure it was a real migraine given you were able to text. I have to fully shutdown when I have mine which includes not being able to look at a phone and not needing any care (because no one can do anything anyway).

That said, you are allowed to choose your partner, so if you don’t like his reaction maybe you aren’t compatible.

amylou8 · 02/09/2023 06:32

When I'm unwell I want to be left alone. His reaction would have been perfect for me. He expressed sympathy, left you in peace then checked in later. If you're looking for someone who will rush round and mop your brow then he's probably not for you.

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 02/09/2023 06:34

I've got a migraine now. I'm on day two despite taking my meds. If I woke up at 1am I a. wouldn't message anyone because it's the middle of the night and 2. wouldn't expect a response if I did. You seem to want hand holding despite not having communicated that's what you want. You're reading far too much into this and keep drip feeding which is mildly irritating.

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