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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Terrible migraine, partner went out

43 replies

Boleynforsoup · 02/09/2023 05:06

Just trying to gauge if this is a red flag. I had a terrible migraine come on at work today. Somehow struggled through and got home. I was supposed to be going out with my partner tonight (we don't live together but he lives 5 minutes away).

I told him I had a migraine, was really dizzy. He said rest up and he'd see me soon and then went out to the thing we were supposed to be going to alone. I was a bit sad, seemed a bit uncaring to me but I tried to sleep the migraine off. 6 hours later I woke up from the pain of the migraine- nearly 1am and no text from him to even check how I was. I text him, said I'm really scared never had one this bad and it felt like my head was going to explode, pain had woken me up. 30 minutes later he replied with try to rest..... I said I can't rest as it's too painful and I'm scared as it's so bad. 2 hours later (gone 3am) I get a reply ' found any comfort yet?'

So he's up- I know he's sober as he was driving and isn't a big drinker- and at no point has he offered to stay with me, bring me anything, reassure me when I say I'm scared at how bad it is. No real affection or care in his messages which is very unlike him, he's usually very attentive. Im scared either a) it's a red flag or b) he's met someone out and is a cheat. My ex husband both cheated on me when I was incapacitated with a migraine and left me the next day though so my frame of reference might be screwed.... I've never worried or not trusted my current partner before. He is usually so caring and would do anything for me. And He knows there isn't anyone else nearby who I could ask to bring meds or sit with me as I'm scared.

Migraine is now beginning to subside. At the moment I have ignored his last message as I'm hurt he seems to lack and real care and don't want to go in all guns blazing and ruin everything if this is my previous relationship colouring my view. Aibu?

OP posts:

StarBloo · 02/09/2023 07:09

The last twice did he bring things round and come and comfort you?

Mmhmmn · 02/09/2023 07:26

I'm with you, OP. His lack of concern over your worry over how bad it was is somewhat lacking in empathy.

My DP brings me drinks, carbs, painkillers etc. when migraines hit. And would cack himself if I said I was really worried about the level of pain.

shakeitoffsis · 02/09/2023 07:26

You're massively over reacting.

HelpMeGetThrough · 02/09/2023 07:26

I've had a fair amount of bad migraines and the last thing I would want/need is people around me. I just want to sleep.

There is nothing for him to do, there is nothing for him to "nurse" as some have put it, he doesn't need to be there. You know you get them, keep a stock of painkillers in and sleep it off.

I always feel like shit the day after and just drink hot, sweet tea and eat toast.

Last thing I would have thought you'd need/want is someone texting asking "how do you feel now?...."

SaltaKatten · 02/09/2023 07:48

Don't forget the migraine hangover. It always leaves me emotional and prone to being impulsive for a day or two. Wait a few days then re-evaluate how you feel about it. When I have a migraine DH carries on as I just need to be left alone. If he was out and I expressed a need for him I do think he would have come home.

Favouritefruits · 02/09/2023 07:59

usually migraines make you unable to see light as it hurts your eyes so maybe he thought it best not to disturb you. You are being very dramatic, there’s nothing he could have done!

AgentJohnson · 02/09/2023 08:02

and usually I'd say no it's fine I just need to sleep, deal with whatever it is that I'm having an issue with and thank him for his care and concern.

if you wanted him to stay by your bedside you should have said so. Your mixed messages and ambiguous communication is the issue here.

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sodthesodoff · 02/09/2023 08:19

Honestly I think you're over reacting

You're saying his message at 3am wasn't caring enough. It's 3am. Maybe he is asleep. Or trying to. And whenever he wakes up he sees your text and replies. At 3am it's hardly going to be a massive text

If you wanted something why didn't you ask? If you'd asked him to come over and he didn't that's a different matter. But your messages were ambiguous. I'd have thought you just wanted to sleep it off

You say he's normally caring. I think you're projecting past trauma onto him.

BorrowedThyme · 02/09/2023 08:25

I agree with not wanting anyone around or "checking in" during a migraine, especially at night, and to be fair, it isn't the worst migraine in the world if finished work, travelled home and managed to text. It was night, he left you to sleep, that is what I would have wanted.

Maybe the last one was during the day and he was around? and maybe what he learnt was there was nothing to be done anyway.

ludocris · 02/09/2023 08:32

I think you're being overly dramatic. You've told yourself that he should be offering to do X, Y or Z, and when he doesn't, you decide he probably doesn't care enough about you. He doesn't know he's being tested in this way. If you want him to do something you should just ask him.

I hope you feel better soon.

Pootle23 · 02/09/2023 08:35

cryinglaughing · 02/09/2023 06:24

He has done exactly what I would have wanted him to do if he was my dp.

I can be out of it for 24hrs with a migraine. I would absolutely not expect my dh to sit around hand wringing and worrying about me. And the last thing I would want is to have to talk or be touched by him. I just want to retreat to my bedroom and emerge when I feel better.

I can't see why you think it is a red flag.

This…totally the same.

OP try to relax and stop comparing your current DP to your ex.

JFDIYOLO · 02/09/2023 08:47

Migraines are vile and there's very little that can be done other than painkillers, rest and time.

He left you in peace in your own home to sleep. He would have been sat there, staying quiet, not doing anything if he'd stayed.

He doesn't live there so he probably went home after the thing so as not to disturb you?

He was still awake at 3am and thought of you and checked in.

There is nothing he could do for you.

You associate a migraine with being cheated on, which he can't help, and isn't his fault.

Your kids are about to fly the nest and I'm so sorry about your mum.

I think you are over thinking, over dramatising.

When you feel back to yourself again, have a quiet calm conversation about all this.

He may have no idea. They often don't.

givemeasunnyday · 02/09/2023 09:02

OneTwoThreeShake · 02/09/2023 05:43

You're being very dramatic. He wasn't available to come and sit by your bedside, there's nothing anybody else can do for your migraine and if you're that frightened then contacting a medical service would be the way to go rather than expecting your boyfriend to drop everything and rush over for what is the third episode since you got together.

I agree with this. People with migraines normally need to sleep, there was no point in him missing out just to sit in the house doing nothing. If I was scared I would be phoning for advice, not phoning my partner - what do you think he could do to help? As most people are aware that sleep is the best thing for a migraine they would hardly think bombarding someone with texts would be ideal.

Humidititties · 02/09/2023 09:23

OneTwoThreeShake · 02/09/2023 05:43

I also agree with this. I go to a dark room, turn off all tech and lights and try and sleep. What did you expect him to do?

Tilllly · 02/09/2023 09:33

@Boleynforsoup
I'm sorry you're having a rough few days

I do think you're reading too much into this tho. And - as kindly as possible - you seem determined to refute everyone saying so, and determined to read something negative into this

I understand you were in pain and frightened. Men are simple creatures, you didn't say to him "It's really bad and I'm frightened, please can you come over?" You expected him to read btwn the lines

Honestly, don't spoil this relationship for a dram that isn't there

gannett · 02/09/2023 09:38

Boleynforsoup · 02/09/2023 05:27

Is the change in his reaction to it not strange? I know I'm probably jumping the gun on the cheating thing due to my previous experience but the lack of contact or care seems strange for him. He is usually the kindest most caring person, sending very loving messages and this isn't the case when I need it the most today.

But you said he was out at the event you'd planned to go to together. If he was at an event he wouldn't have been on his phone much. Maybe in an interval or loo break, hence the short messages to check in.

I also wouldn't think a migraine was serious enough to need much checking in. I'd send sympathy because they suck but there's not much more one can do, if you're stocked up with painkillers already.

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 02/09/2023 09:43

Favouritefruits · 02/09/2023 07:59

usually migraines make you unable to see light as it hurts your eyes so maybe he thought it best not to disturb you. You are being very dramatic, there’s nothing he could have done!

Usually your migraines might do this to you or someone you know who gets migraines.

There are a few answers along these lines. If there's one thing I've learned over the decades I've been having migraines, and with a family history of them, it's that everyone is different. If I went a tried to sleep in darkened room I'd never get anything done! If it's not night time then distracting myself with other things works best.

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