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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this put you off a relationship?

45 replies

unicornbubbles · 02/09/2023 00:12

I've been dating a man for a couple of months now. He's 32. He's perfectly nice, absolutely lovely and kind.
The thing that's making me doubt things is that he still lives with his parents, and from what I have gathered they depend financially quite heavily on him. For example he couldn't go out last weekend as he'd just paid over a grand for his dads car to be fixed.
His parents are pleasant enough but their house isn't the ... cleanest? I'm talking dog shit left in the kitchen, open cat litter trays that stink all over. I wouldn't really want to go and relax or eat there without sounding awful.
What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
babbscrabbs · 02/09/2023 00:13

Have you asked why he still lives with them?

Original poster
unicornbubbles · 02/09/2023 00:15

Not directly. I know he tried living with an ex but it only lasted a few months. He says he can't afford to move out as all his money goes towards paying board/helping his parents out with money.

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 02/09/2023 00:16

You don't sound awful, and you shouldn't hesitate to recoil from dog shit in the kitchen.

I would have a very frank talk with him to explain that I don't think any of this is normal and ask what he thinks. IF he says he also thinks it's not normal, then I'd suggests he gets in touch when he is no longer so enmeshed in it. If he thinks it's normal, then I'd finish it now and run a mile.

Kleptronic · 02/09/2023 00:18

Yes. It would put me right off a relationship.

Original poster
unicornbubbles · 02/09/2023 00:20

I'm not sure if it's the living at home in itself.. I know that some people do and are happy with that. It's the fact he's said he can't afford to move out as basically he funds them both and bails them out all the time, so he's never going to be able to save enough to move out. I think it's that and how unhygienic the house seemed that is making me think about things.

OP posts:
historyrepeatz · 02/09/2023 00:20

Are they depending on him financially? If he's paying rent and paying for things like car repairs then yes but if he's not paying for rent but pays for other things occasionally then would he not be without that money anyway if paying rent, utilities and groceries?

The house situation would put me off unless he is somehow a carer for them and overwhelmed. He lives there in that state too.

If your relationship progressed he couldn't move in with you and contribute as he is supposedly having to prop up his parents? Is that actually happening and if so, does it need to?

Lorelaigilmore88 · 02/09/2023 00:22

Yes it would put me off. Not necessarily the living at home bit but the fact he seems to be stuck in a situation where he's looking after them financially to the point its hindering his life. If you both were to get serious, would he want to move out if it didn't work with his ex?
And why is he seemingly happy to bring you round to a gross house with dog crap in the kitchen. Perhaps have a conversation with him about it and gauge yourself how likely the situation is to change....

HeadacheEarthquake · 02/09/2023 00:23

Look of what you say is correct and he is supporting them then you'll never be equal

Notwithstanding the dogshit that would send me running

Original poster
unicornbubbles · 02/09/2023 00:25

Yes he definitely pays them board/rent every month and then things on top like car repairs, pays debts etc.
I don't know how to talk to him about it without sounding rude if that makes sense.

OP posts:
MarjorieStuartBaxter · 02/09/2023 00:30

He lives there too why isn't he picking up the shit? I think he must like living there tbh and do you really want to be with someone that doesn't clean up? The money thing is strange unless he's bullshitting.

Montbresia · 02/09/2023 00:32

Dogshit in the kitchen would be enough for me to be off.

Maybe they have some sort of complex needs and then you have to ask yourself do you want to end up subbing and caring for them.

I wouldn’t even be asking, I would be just ending it.

Women worrying about being nice all the time is the reason so many end up in shit relationships. Of course it isn’t rude to want to know what’s going on. Issue is would he change the way he lives, probably not.

PeloMom · 02/09/2023 04:15

It will put me off. Not even considering the state of the house. He’s supporting 3 people. At this stage I assume you’re looking for someone to potentially create a family with; his situation is not compatible with that.

SnoozeToMe · 02/09/2023 04:36

It would definitely put me off. I think the relationship can’t progress. If he carries on living there he has no money to do things with you and if you get to the point of moving in together then he might still feel he needs to support them. I’d finish now.

PriOn1 · 02/09/2023 05:03

Yes, it would put me off.

Regarding talking to him, obviously it’s not going to be an easy conversation, but I’d be inclined to say that the financial issues mean that your situations are incompatible. While you’re presumably not in a hurry, you ultimately want a partner who you can live with (I assume) and therefore it’s better to call it a day on the relationship.

He isn’t going to change for you and his earlier relationship failed, presumably for the same reason. He’s enmeshed with his parents.

Nagado · 02/09/2023 06:27

If he can’t afford to move out then the only possible way that this is going to progress into a full blown relationship is if you subsidise him moving from his parents place into yours and you accept the fact that he’s still going to spend most of his money getting them out of difficulties, so you’ll have to subsidise your life together as well and accept that you’ll have to pay for everything.

Doesn’t sound very appealing.

VictoriaVenkman · 02/09/2023 06:40

Yes, if would totally put me off.

IseeNarcPeople · 02/09/2023 06:56

I would wonder if he's making it up about the money unless it's been mentioned in front of you.
He lives there as well! It would worry me more that he thinks it's fine for you to come round with shit in the kitchen he hasn't picked up either.

C1N1C · 02/09/2023 07:04

MarjorieStuartBaxter · 02/09/2023 00:30

He lives there too why isn't he picking up the shit? I think he must like living there tbh and do you really want to be with someone that doesn't clean up? The money thing is strange unless he's bullshitting.

This would be my concern. I love Asian culture as they look after their family... Western very frequently doesn't. We reach a certain age and bung them in a home or abandon them. So that part I admire.

My worry is if he considers that sort of unhygienic situation normal enough that he doesn't even clean up when you come over, then would he let your future forever home end up in that state? Would he expect you to do all the cleaning, because he clearly has no interest in it.

sodthesodoff · 02/09/2023 08:32

He sounds very heavily enmeshed with his parents

I would ask him where he sees this going. Does he see you moving in together at some point. How would that work. How can he save

Ultimately I don't think he will be able to leave if he is financially responsible for his parents. But that's his realisation to make. And if this isn't what you want you're perfectly entitled to walk away. It's your future too

yellowsmileyface · 02/09/2023 08:55

The living at home wouldn't necessarily bother me, so long as they were actively working towards getting their own place, which it sounds like he isn't.

The lack of cleanliness would be a deal breaker for me though. His standards for hygiene are likely similar to his parents, and I wouldn't be able to relax in their home either.

pilates · 02/09/2023 09:02

Yes it would put me off. Not sure I could continue with the relationship. The conditions he is living in is disgusting.

Autumntimeagain · 02/09/2023 09:21

100% would be a 'Nope' from me, for several reasons...

  1. He is a fully functioning adult, with a job, a girlfriend etc, yet he can't 'contribute' to cleaning the house he lives in ? (Assuming his parents can't, but if they CAN, then HE also doesn't mind living in actual shit, so would NEVER pull his weight around ANY home he lives in !)
  2. He can't see that how he lives, at 32 years old, is NOT usual ? Nope !
  3. He doesn't have the intellectual ability to see that other people, who don't live in literal shit, are disgusted by his home situation. If he did, he'd never have invited you to his home, would he ? So either he doesn't know what others would find disgusting, ( which is social ignorance of the bloody highest order !) or he just doesn't care ? Therefore he either wouldn't know, or wouldn't care about anything else in his life that 'upset' or 'disgusted' you, would he ?
  4. He will never, ever have the finances to progress in life with a partner, because he's got 'dependents' who will never grow up.
gannett · 02/09/2023 09:27

unicornbubbles · 02/09/2023 00:25

Yes he definitely pays them board/rent every month and then things on top like car repairs, pays debts etc.
I don't know how to talk to him about it without sounding rude if that makes sense.

If you're going to be in a relationship with someone you need to be able to talk to them about difficult things. Two months in is a good time to start doing this.

Honestly it's pointless asking MN. It's obviously a complex and individual situation, but all the answers here will be coloured by the posters' own prejudices and personal experiences. (Also, MN absolutely hates men who have a good relationship with their parents.) The only person who can give you the answers is the man you're dating. If you feel you can't talk to him that might be a sign you're not compatible more generally. If you talk to him and the conversation goes badly or he gets defensive then that's also a sign you're not really compatible.

Rachaelrachael · 02/09/2023 09:42

I would just end things now to be honest. His parents will always come first and the situation won't change (speaking from experience)

dooneyousmugelf · 02/09/2023 09:44

He's broke as fuck and trying to spin it as his parents depend on him rather than it being the other way round.
Between all three of them, they live in squalid conditions. Most households will have two adults, or one (like me, a single parent). Who manage quite easily without the risk of stepping in dog shit when we pop down for a glass of water in the night.
Really undesirable set up and not something I'd be wanting anything to do with!