Page 2 | Would this put you off a relationship?

unicornbubbles · 2023-09-01T23:12:01+00:00

I've been dating a man for a couple of months now. He's 32. He's perfectly nice, absolutely lovely and kind. The thing that's making me doubt things is that he still lives with his parents, and from what I have gathered they depend financially quite heavily on him. For example he couldn't go out last weekend as he'd just paid over a grand for his dads car to be fixed. His parents are pleasant enough but their house isn't the ... cleanest? I'm talking dog shit left in the kitchen, open cat litter trays that stink all over. I wouldn't really want to go and relax or eat there without sounding awful. What would you do in this situation?

X6hfyib4ms · 02/09/2023 09:50

Unfortunately yes. If the obligations are true (and not an excuse, ie there's another reason why he's skint) then he will find it difficult to shake off.

At the end of the day if his parents are retired or suffer from health issues that prevent them from working they would get support from the government, they shouldn't nerd to be reliant on their son.

Plus he's got used to living in squalid conditions and so will think that's acceptable.

Break it off but be kind. Being honest with him about why may help him decide to make changes. And you never know, in a few months time he may get back in touch having moved out and freed him of these obligations.

merryhouse · 02/09/2023 09:53

He's caring for his parents.

Financially, emotionally, practically (if not necessarily very well).

It will only intensify. Before the end intimate care will be on the list too.

How old are they? Are they claiming everything they're eligible for? (though you mention debts, so it's possible that they're simply bad at money management)

In some ways he's chosen an admirable path, and I don't blame him for wanting to build relationships outside that - he needs the emotional support himself. Friends will be invaluable to him. Unfortunately he's not in a position to build a life partner relationship - anyone who wanted to be that would have to be prepared to take on emotional, practical and eventually intimate care for two older people, with very little nothing in the way of financial reward.

Barring the highly unlikely event that that's you, he's not the man you're looking for.

rookiemere · 02/09/2023 10:15

Regardless of the rest, there is no future in a relationship with someone who could walk past dog shit on the floor in the house they live in. I mean this isn't someone who is going to be splitting household chores evenly and so much of relationships come down to who left the mugs beside the dishwasher once you've passed the initial stage.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/09/2023 10:17

Don’t get involved. If you form a relationship with him, they will become your problem too, your responsibility.

Why do it to yourself.

Iknowthis1 · 02/09/2023 10:22

Living with dogs shitting indoors is a total deal breaker.

It's not just the parents that are the problem. He's prepared to live like that too.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 02/09/2023 10:30

I would run for the hills. Prepared to live with shit in the kitchen, cannot set boundaries with his parents (and it will only get worse as they age). Not taking personal responsibility. So, a big NO from me.

Thighdentitycrisis · 02/09/2023 10:33

In your situation, I would run quite a few miles

GRex · 02/09/2023 10:57

Nobody can live with dog shit in the kitchen, if that's how standard where he thought it was ok for you to visit then bin him on those grounds alone. I can't get past that enough to think about finances, because that's nothing compared with living with shit in the house.

Planesmistakenforstars · 02/09/2023 11:23

Regardless of his living or finanacial situation, there is dog shit in the kitchen. Look into the future OP. If you were to live with him this is a man who doesn't even clean up dog shit. Of course you end the relationship.

Original poster

unicornbubbles · 02/09/2023 11:24

Thanks all. His parents have no physical problems, his dad still works and his mum has only just retired. Both early 60s.
He said when he lived with his ex she was "OCD" with cleaning, and his mum didn't like it that his girlfriend didn't want to go round to his parents house to eat every Sunday evening. But having been to the house since.. I can't say I blame her.

OP posts:

yellowsmileyface · 02/09/2023 11:31

They could live in Buckingham Palace and I still wouldn't want to go to a boyfriend's parents' place for dinner EVERY Sunday. That's a bit much.

HippeePrincess · 02/09/2023 11:38

I wouldn’t get any further involved, he thinks this is normal reading between the lines. The only people I know who live in such a mess like that I’d those with serious mental health conditions it sounds absolutely disgusting and he can’t see that. If your relationship progressed to living together he’d be happy to live in filth while you did everything and he probably wouldn’t notice the mess and dirt. He’d say you were ocd about cleaning. I wouldn’t step foot again in his/his parents house again though choice let alone eat or drink anything there.

kalokagathos · 02/09/2023 14:57

Run for the hills!!!!

rookiemere · 02/09/2023 15:01

unicornbubbles · 02/09/2023 11:24

Thanks all. His parents have no physical problems, his dad still works and his mum has only just retired. Both early 60s.
He said when he lived with his ex she was "OCD" with cleaning, and his mum didn't like it that his girlfriend didn't want to go round to his parents house to eat every Sunday evening. But having been to the house since.. I can't say I blame her.

By OCD he probably meant she cleaned the toilets at least once a week.

DrManhattan · 02/09/2023 16:25

Nope. I couldn't deal with that. He's probably skint too

Original poster

unicornbubbles · 03/09/2023 17:29

Thanks all.. maybe you're right and I'm not being unreasonable or nasty to think it's not normal. They expect a lot of him financially and seem to always have him doing jobs round the house too (not sure what)... sometimes he's actually said he can either meet me during the day or the evening but not both as his mum wouldn't like it... ok..

OP posts:

Toomanylaughs · 03/09/2023 17:47

unicornbubbles · 03/09/2023 17:29

Thanks all.. maybe you're right and I'm not being unreasonable or nasty to think it's not normal. They expect a lot of him financially and seem to always have him doing jobs round the house too (not sure what)... sometimes he's actually said he can either meet me during the day or the evening but not both as his mum wouldn't like it... ok..

Agree with pp, run and don’t look back.

You can discuss it with him first but it seems his mindset is entrenched that the level of filth in his house is OK and the support offered to his family is normal.

It seems weird given his parents circumstances they are demanding all this support from him and makes me wonder if they have kind of groomed him to accept this and whether they have some kind of debt? If their mum is only early sixties why not work for a few more years instead of holding your son up from being independent?

I was talking to a guy online once who it turned out sent money to his extended family who lived abroad on a regular basis, he also had a child. i probed further and it appeared the mother of his child had split up with him over the extent of money he was sending given they had a baby together. It was a definite no for me and I told him why - if we became serious our money would become his families money. I’d be supporting not only his child but his mum etc too.

It’s something that’s common in many cultures and I can see the benefits but it also can get taken too far as well. Especially because young people nowadays are struggling to save up for deposits so if they are having to support their parents who had a much easier time financially when they were younger in the 70s etc it’s a bit much.

The fact he limits his time with you to spare his mum’s feeling is also a red flag.
Why should his mum have an issue of her adult son spends the entire day with his girlfriend ? You’ll never be prioritised by a man like this, and nor will your children if you have any.

Toenailz · 04/09/2023 01:30

Run for the fucking hills. It's too early days to be willingly getting involved in this shit.

It's one thing to care for parents, which is an attractive quality in my eyes.
Another entirely to be almost subservient to them, and them so financially dependant on you that you can't have your own life, relationship, house etc.

He's told you who he is. Believe him.

VictoriaVenkman · 04/09/2023 05:55

sometimes he's actually said he can either meet me during the day or the evening but not both as his mum wouldn't like it...

Would totally put me off

Legocrayola · 04/09/2023 06:02

Good fucking god, run for the fucking hills OP and never look back.

I can't believe you honestly have to ask when their is animal shit in the house?!