To be fucked off with my brothers?

[bigbluebag]

Hi. I’m annoyed and fed up with my siblings but the frustration has been building up for a while and I’m genuinely unsure now if I’m being dramatic or unfair about it all now.

there’s a big age gap between my siblings and I. I’m the youngest by a big gap, so whilst I was still at home at school they were all living independently and working full time and well into their adult lives. Fast toward to now and I’m my 20s and they are in their 40s. I’ve always been close to my parents and siblings and we all get on well. But the age gap means my dad is significantly older than my friends dads so I can’t ask them for advice

my dads behaviour has changed- he’s always been slightly unaware and says the wrong stuff (nothing bad, can’t even think of an example but say we were in a restaurant he would loudly exclaim that the light is ugly looking - whereas everyone else would be thinking it but wouldn’t say it out loud, that sort of thing) but as he has got older he’s become more outspoken and so on. Unfortunately he has a strong family history of Alzheimer’s in 60s-70s and I sometimes wonder if these changes are normal age related changes or the start of something worse, but he won’t go to the doctor. He’s my dad so I’ll always have his back but it’s becoming increasingly difficult especially in public. For example we were out on a walk and walked past a garden that looked really unkempt and ugly and he loudly said ‘that garden looks awful doesn’t it!’ I know I sound like I’m making excuses because he’s my dad but he doesn’t mean to be hurtful but he can be sometimes 😫 He just seems to say what comes in his head.

I’ve asked my brothers SO MANY TIMES to speak to him and they agreed that he’s becoming increasingly embarrassing with his outspokenness but they never say anything. They’re close to my parents (live 1-2 hours away) whereas I live less than half an hour away so I see them more and I only just moved out of home too so they seem to be leaving it to me to deal with

The problem is, my dad now thinks I’m just being moany/baggy and he dismisses me saying oh that’s quite hurtful, you shouldn’t say that out loud etc and he dismisses it as me just nagging him and tells me to go away and drop it. He’s always been stubborn but again it seems to be getting worse. But when my brothers visit him, they too notice and agree that he’s behaving embarrassingly but they don’t do anything and for them it’s all like old chums, but they’re quite happy for me to be seen as the moaning/nagging/miserable one by our dad for me raising it

i haven’t used the best examples of things he does/says that’s embarrassing and ultimately I should just leave him to it, but he’s quite old now and I’m genuinely worried he will say something and someone will hear him and have a go at him especially as I’m certain this is the onset of Alzheimer’s as this is exactly how his brothers and sisters all started

I’m not trying to be moany and naggy but I feel so angry at my brothers that they’re happy to leave me to deal with it and they can take a backseat so they don’t ruin their relationship with him. Ironically enough, I’m sure he would believe them and wouldn’t think they were moaning or nagging him

sorry very long winded but AIBU to be upset and fed up and frankly quite fucked off at them for leaving me to try and deal with it all?

Sorry to drip feed but i hesitated from putting this in my OP in case it was too outing but it’s relevant so I’ll include it. My dad and mum are not my biological parents but they are my siblings biological parents. Hence the age gap. I’ve never been treated any differently however as my dad gets older I’m worried that him thinking constantly nagging and annoying and getting on at him will be even more because I’m not technically my parents biological daughter unlike my siblings x

To be honest, I think in your circumstances I'd just leave him to it. Do you really think he is going to fundamentally change the way he acts, especially if it is Alzheimer's??
You can't police what comes out of his mouth, and nor can your brothers.

The best you can do I guess is when you are with him and you think he has overstepped, catch the other persons eye and mouth 'sorry' with an eye roll. People often understand that elderly people have less of a filter.

You're unfortunately right that they're not great examples...both my MIL and my mum loudly criticise things/people and wouldn't hesitate to say out loud that a lamp or a garden was ugly or untidy, regardless of who was in earshot! But they wouldn't be offensive ie racist, ableist etc, their rudeness is generally limited to indiscriminately shitting on random items (figuratively). So I think it depends if he is just being openly judgey about inanimate objects on a taste/aesthetics level or being hurtful towards people and could really cause offence?

He needs to see a doctor surely?

My Aunty has become just like this at the age of 83.. she was in hospital recently and said to one of the nurses " haven't you got a fat for example.
She will see an house and say they have a horrible front door or curtains.
In local shops she will say it needs a good clean / it smells.. very loud..( when it doesn't.
My cousin said she's had all the tests for alzhimers.. but l honestly think she has it.. because her memory is fading.. she can remember years ago.. and always reminiscing but can't remember yesterday or last week .

With kindness OP I think you need to drop the rope, your concern is not being welcomed by anyone in this scenario and you can only help people if they let you. You've tried to alert everyone to what's happening and they've chosen to do nothing so all you will do now if you carry on is alienate people and make yourself unpopular.

I would also be wary of putting yourself in the role of 'carer' here by trying to drive decisions about DF's health as you then risk being left to do it all if/when his health deteriorates. Your brothers are already taking a 'hands off' approach it seems so it's not unlikely they won't do their fair share when the time comes, especially with you being the only female sibling as that's often who care falls to anyway.

PP's have offered some suggestions about how to deal with DF's behaviour out and about and you could also limit your outings with him if they're becoming stressful for you, maybe you could visit him at home more and your brothers could step up and take him out a bit more often? Basically I think you need to protect yourself a little here, offer what help is welcomed (and you can manage) but don't make the mistake of taking on all the weight/worry of your DF's health. If he does deteriorate your brothers are more likely to notice/act if you have stepped back somewhat and they have to be more involved.

Honestly, it is probably part of a pattern and when he needs support/help/care it will be expected of you because you don't have a dick.

Much easier to be fun mates and expect the sister to deal with all the difficulties.

Can you raise your worries with your mum?

This anger is completely misdirected. YABU.

Your brothers know that your DF is not going to change. There is literally NOTHING they can say that slows dementia or changes a stubborn old man.

They accept that, why can’t you? Is it because you need to believe there is a magic set of words that will solve the situation? There isn’t.

Not to scare you but in hindsight my parent got like this when they were very il.

I think you either need to insist again on a doctor appointment or phone his doctor yourself and say you know you cant force him in but you do have concerns and hope that they can consider your concerns at his next routine appointment (which he probably has for blood tests etc)

My grandmother became increasingly outspoken and rude until well into her 90s when she did sadly die but never had a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s of indeed any significant loss of memory (beyond the kind of ‘normal’ getting muddled that is expected in advanced old age).

You don’t know it is Alzheimer’s, and if it is very sadly you can’t cure him so perhaps try and take the ‘does it matter’ approach. Love him for who he is and spend us much positive time together as you like. Be there for your mum IF she wants to talk, she will be better placed than you to know when he needs a doctor, trust her.

That sounds like you think there is no benefit in even diagnosing dementia? If so, you would be wrong

What do you think that your brothers can say or do?

Perhaps they'd rather just enjoy their time with him?

ultimately I should just leave him to it

☝🏻

It may not be Alzheimer’s op though, as all of my relatives have aged they’ve all become more like you say your dad is. I think we’re all going to get there, I’m only 43 and I’m definitely not the fun loving person I was even ten years ago!! My mum said once it’s a mixture of being more tired, sore and fed up, Because life has battered you about a bit, and also loving having the freedom of not having to consider your words!!! Saying that, you’re worried, so speak frankly to your brothers, maybe they’re just terrified of dealing with it x

Where's your mother? Can't she say something?

I'm sadly in the same boat OP.

My mum is displaying the very subtle personality changes that are indicative of the early stages of Alzheimer's (of which we have a strong family history). She just "more" - all her little personality quirks are now just that bit harsher, more common, very subtle but definitely there. And my siblings (all substantially younger in my case) are not seeing it/ taking me seriously.

I take heart in the fact that diagnosed now, or later won't change the outcome and have stopped beating he drum. I just watch out for more dangerous signs.

What would happen if you didn’t nag him? His behavior isn’t my going to change. He’s getting older and that’s why he’s acting that way. He can’t help it. It’s a bit cruel actually to expect him to change, when it’s not in his control and you know it. You’re ruining the relationship, not your brothers and not your dad. Have some compassion and leave him be. If he embarrasses you in public, that’s on you. Everyone else would look at him like he’s an old man, that’s what old people tend to do.

You have done your best - just ignore it from now on. If he says something embarrassing in public, hold your hand up and mouth sorry whilst he isn’t looking. Other than that, let him crack on. Neither he nor your brothers will listen, you’ve tried, so that’s the end of your responsibility imo.

Unfortunately this does happen with many people as they get older OP. When my MIL was in her early 70's she used to say some really nasty outrageous things, and when challenged used to say 'If I cant' say what I like at my time of life, when can I?' She was perfectly aware of what she was saying, but for some reason no longer felt she had to hold back, like most of us do when we're younger. Personally, in your shoes, I'd enjoy what time you have with your DD, and as others have advised, don't get dragged into being a carer as time goes on, just because you're female.

I think you need to push it with your brothers to be honest. I think pps are correct that they may unconsciously (or consciously) be expecting you to take on the bulk of caring responsibilities due to being female and being closer geographically to your dad. So they may be just opting out because its easier.

I would speak to them again, say that you're worried about alzheimers and the big changes you see in your father and I would ask what they notice since they're visiting less often. If they agree and they say yes we notice it too I'd ask if they are concerned it could be the start of something like that, again if they say yes then I'd say I've done my bit to try and get him to the gp and it's affecting my relationship with him that I'm the only one encouraging him to go. Because it's only me he thinks I'm being unreasonable. So I need you both to step up and have a very direct chat with him and tell him he needs to go.

I would suggest that if your dad knows he has that family history he's probably scared of it and the idea of going to the gp might (in his mind) 'open a can of worms' when the reality is he'll either be reassured or it'll be picked up early.

I do think age makes people care less. My mum does things like that all the time and just doesn't give a toss what other people think about it anymore. Drives my sister and me crazy and it's embarrassing when you're out and about. I would drop it from your end and keep an eye. Maybe keep a note of things you find worrying and then in a month or two if you're still worried go back to your brothers with the things and maybe specific examples will gee them up? I hope he's just getting a bit sassy in his old age though. Caring for someone with alzheimers is a lot and you will need to be proactive in making sure your brothers are splitting his care 3 ways if it comes to that.

Could you speak to his GP about your concerns & ask them to call him in for a ‘routine check up’. There is medication that can sometimes help if it’s started early enough.

Also think about whether you need to get Powers of Attorney in place.

Stop nagging and moaning at him - it isn't going to change him, it isn't benefiting anyone.

I would speak to your siblings about what you all think you should do, but beyond that - theres a good chance even if they put pressure on him, he won't do anything but he will then feel worse about everything and not want to spend time with any of you. That is hardly going to help.

I do understand what it feels like - my Dad sounds exactly the same in some respects, but he isn't going to change, he can't - he was always a spoilt arsehole and now he is a really offensive spoilt arsehole. He has embraced old age as a green light to be vile to people if he feels like it, and all having a go at him achieves is him not speaking to us.

'Why' exactly do you have to 'deal' with anything? What do you expect your brothers to do?
Ultimately if he refuses to see a doctor none of you can make him. Being 'embarrassingly rude' won't qualify for social service intervention.
Unless you can get an authority figure of some sort to intervene there's nothing you can do until something drastic happens unfortunately.

Thanks for all the advice.

im just worried because I know what a great person he is but he doesn’t always come across like that. And I’m worried someone will pull him up for passing a comment or he’ll cause upset.

sorry but I completely disagree with the poster that said I need to be more compassionate to him! I’m trying my best to help him and protect him. I might be wrong for trying to make him change but his welfare has been at the forefront of my mind. There’s been a few times where he’s made quite harsh comments eg after I made my OP I took him to the shops and there was a large person in the shop and he turned to me and said ‘Jesus look at the size of that buffoon’ but he says it quietly so the person can’t hear him but other people around can. I can’t really remember other examples but that just happened 30 minutes ago. Honestly, he’s not a horrible person but he says things more and more that are very much on the boundary of outspoken and being flat out rude and hurtful. I just don’t want him to cause upset to anyone else but also to get into bother from anyone.

I don’t know what I want my brothers to do. I suppose I just want them to try and talk to him. In his older age they’ve become increasingly idolised so I’ve asked them to have a word with him and they say they will but then don’t. So he seems them as being old chums whereas I’m the one nagging and moaning at him and picking arguments. I’m not even being mean about it I’m just saying to him ‘hey it’s not the best to talk about people’s weight in public because it can be hurtful’ But he just says I’m nagging him and he seems to have this idea that I’m just an argumentative woman but honestly I don’t think I am (or maybe I am and I just don’t realise it)