To be fucked off with my brothers?

[bigbluebag]

Hi. I’m annoyed and fed up with my siblings but the frustration has been building up for a while and I’m genuinely unsure now if I’m being dramatic or unfair about it all now.

there’s a big age gap between my siblings and I. I’m the youngest by a big gap, so whilst I was still at home at school they were all living independently and working full time and well into their adult lives. Fast toward to now and I’m my 20s and they are in their 40s. I’ve always been close to my parents and siblings and we all get on well. But the age gap means my dad is significantly older than my friends dads so I can’t ask them for advice

my dads behaviour has changed- he’s always been slightly unaware and says the wrong stuff (nothing bad, can’t even think of an example but say we were in a restaurant he would loudly exclaim that the light is ugly looking - whereas everyone else would be thinking it but wouldn’t say it out loud, that sort of thing) but as he has got older he’s become more outspoken and so on. Unfortunately he has a strong family history of Alzheimer’s in 60s-70s and I sometimes wonder if these changes are normal age related changes or the start of something worse, but he won’t go to the doctor. He’s my dad so I’ll always have his back but it’s becoming increasingly difficult especially in public. For example we were out on a walk and walked past a garden that looked really unkempt and ugly and he loudly said ‘that garden looks awful doesn’t it!’ I know I sound like I’m making excuses because he’s my dad but he doesn’t mean to be hurtful but he can be sometimes 😫 He just seems to say what comes in his head.

I’ve asked my brothers SO MANY TIMES to speak to him and they agreed that he’s becoming increasingly embarrassing with his outspokenness but they never say anything. They’re close to my parents (live 1-2 hours away) whereas I live less than half an hour away so I see them more and I only just moved out of home too so they seem to be leaving it to me to deal with

The problem is, my dad now thinks I’m just being moany/baggy and he dismisses me saying oh that’s quite hurtful, you shouldn’t say that out loud etc and he dismisses it as me just nagging him and tells me to go away and drop it. He’s always been stubborn but again it seems to be getting worse. But when my brothers visit him, they too notice and agree that he’s behaving embarrassingly but they don’t do anything and for them it’s all like old chums, but they’re quite happy for me to be seen as the moaning/nagging/miserable one by our dad for me raising it

i haven’t used the best examples of things he does/says that’s embarrassing and ultimately I should just leave him to it, but he’s quite old now and I’m genuinely worried he will say something and someone will hear him and have a go at him especially as I’m certain this is the onset of Alzheimer’s as this is exactly how his brothers and sisters all started

I’m not trying to be moany and naggy but I feel so angry at my brothers that they’re happy to leave me to deal with it and they can take a backseat so they don’t ruin their relationship with him. Ironically enough, I’m sure he would believe them and wouldn’t think they were moaning or nagging him

sorry very long winded but AIBU to be upset and fed up and frankly quite fucked off at them for leaving me to try and deal with it all?

I’m not asking for social service intervention it’s just my brothers are idolised and I feel like myself and my mum are now just seen as naggers whereas if they just spoke to him and said something along the lines of hey best not to make personal comments about people in public then he would actually listen to them and not dismiss them straight away as being argumentative etc x

Honestly yeah, this is what I’m so worried about. In fairness this has been a change over the last while rather than a sudden change but it’s still worrying me. And because my friends parents are all significantly younger I don’t have any experiences to compare for what others are like at that age. I love my parents so much and I just want to protect them as much as I can x

Why do you go out with him - can you avoid that and just see him at home.
even if he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s he would still be rude and not want to hear your corrections.

Yeah that’s a good point. We’ve just always been close and gone out and done family stuff and he really enjoys it so I suppose I’d be reluctant to stop but you’re right it might be best just to do things at home more often x

My MIL had a sudden turn to this type of behaviour when previously she had been the kindest person. For her sadly it was Alzheimer’s.

There’s no point nagging because he won’t change - not even if one of your brothers pointed it out. He can’t.

1. Find some gentle phrases like ‘That’s not a kind thing to say’, less that he’ll listen but more for the benefit of passers by, to dissociate yourself from the comments.
2. If anyone one else pulls him up just say ‘Sorry, he can’t help it he has Alzheimer’s.’ (Doesn’t matter that he hasn’t yet been diagnosed, if you are ready to diffuse situations you will be less worried)
3. Speak to his GP - they will be used to handling this type of situation. Your dad certainly won’t be the first elderly person who’s family have noticed a change in behaviour or personality.

If your father has Alzheimers "saying something " will make not one jot of difference. So YABU about that.

If he doesn't have Alzheimers, it's not for you to try and edit his public image.

Have you read up about Alzheimers? Is he showing any symptoms?

Fwiw my father was embarrassing long before developing Alzheimers. So this might just be him.

When I saw the title I absolutely knew this would be a parenting health/caring situation. So often men just abandon their responsibilities if there is a woman to mop up.

But in your circumstances your brothers are also of an age where they should be taking responsibility to let you enjoy the freedom of your 20s without any of these concerns.

Do you still live at home? If so, move out asap - you need to focus on your own life at this age.

Do your brothers live nearby? you've told them your worries, I would reiterate them again and then step completely back and focus on yourself right now