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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Resenting my husband

33 replies

Anonymous19882023 · 01/09/2023 03:37

Please tell me if AITA for resenting my husband.
Slight backstory to begin with we have a 4 year old and 16 week old twins. Husband has been away on a fishing trip for two nights leaving me with our children. Whilst away he started to feel poorly and now he’s back has tested positive for covid. Since been back home he has slept and taken the bedroom (I offered the room as I don’t want the twins getting Ill and they sometimes bed share) leaving me with sleeping downstairs with the twins on the sofa me the boys i their travel cot. AITA for now resenting my husband for coming back home ill and not helping out or offering for himself to sleep on the sofa whilst I take care of the children? I feel like my judgement is clouded from lack of sleep and just need some honest opinions if I’m being unreasonable

OP posts:
junbean · 01/09/2023 03:41

You offered the arrangement. Do you want the kids sick or not? My concern would be the children, then making sure husband is okay. You’re acting like he’s sick on purpose. How would you feel if you were sick and being resented for it?

CherryMaDeara · 01/09/2023 03:44

He should have never gone on the fishing trip since you have 16 week twins AND a 4yo.

How come that was agreed?

Is there nowhere he could sleep and you get the room?

Newnamehiwhodis · 01/09/2023 03:46

You are not unreasonable to resent him. Going on the trip was unbelievably self centred of him.

Tinybirdie · 01/09/2023 03:46

Are you sleeping on a sofa with the babies? If you are, you're putting them at risk and you need to stop now.

I'm also not going to get into the debate of bed sharing. Babies are safer in a cot.

WandaWonder · 01/09/2023 04:12

If it was a mutual decision he could go, he did not deliberately get sick and sure you are on the sofa which is generous but the kids need to be in their own beds so no you can't blame him for that

You can feel how you like but I would go and have my own break when things get back to normal

CherryMaDeara · 01/09/2023 04:17

WandaWonder · 01/09/2023 04:12

If it was a mutual decision he could go, he did not deliberately get sick and sure you are on the sofa which is generous but the kids need to be in their own beds so no you can't blame him for that

You can feel how you like but I would go and have my own break when things get back to normal

I think saying she can have her own break is a bit of a hollow promise, given she has 16 week old twins.

CurlewKate · 01/09/2023 04:36

Of course you feel resentful-it's a shit situation. You're probably not being reasonable- but who cares! The thing to do is acknowledge how you feel-then try to think of ways to make it better. He has to stay where he is until he tests negative. He can't do anything about that. So is there anyone who can pop in to give you a hand? Family? Friends? Can you afford to live on convenience meals for the next few days? And with a 4 year old TV is the answer. Go on an emergency plan. Anything-ANYTHING to make life easier.If your dp is a good guy he'll be feeling like shit about the situation. If he isn't- well, that's another thread!

buckingmad · 01/09/2023 04:45

Tinybirdie · 01/09/2023 03:46

Are you sleeping on a sofa with the babies? If you are, you're putting them at risk and you need to stop now.

I'm also not going to get into the debate of bed sharing. Babies are safer in a cot.

FYI the NHS have updated their guidance advising against cosleeping and now say it’s fine as long as safe 7 are followed.

givingupchocolatemonday · 01/09/2023 04:50

Covid is now classed as the common cold. If you test positive it makes no difference, you can still go to work and carry on with daily activities.
I would be taking care of the twins myself but asking him to chip in with housework etc.

If not, I would wait till he has recovered then simply say you deserve a break, take a few afternoon naps.

Maybe your feeling a bit under the weather yourself? Wink

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 01/09/2023 04:52

why did he test for covid? Surely it’s just like any other virus now? And unless he’s so ill he can’t walk he should I still be helping out with the kids. Would you do separate rooms for a heavy cold? Also if you were ill would he take the babies downstairs - I think not.

tell him to get out of his sick bed and help!

awfullytricky · 01/09/2023 05:40

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 01/09/2023 04:52

why did he test for covid? Surely it’s just like any other virus now? And unless he’s so ill he can’t walk he should I still be helping out with the kids. Would you do separate rooms for a heavy cold? Also if you were ill would he take the babies downstairs - I think not.

tell him to get out of his sick bed and help!

I wish people would stop peddling this nonsense. Covid is a killer. In just the same way flu is to those vulnerable. Testing and isolation is the only responsible action for people who aren't complete arses.

Wish someone had thought about that before infecting and killing both my parents within a week 3 months ago.

MintJulia · 01/09/2023 05:50

'I wish people would stop peddling this nonsense. Covid is a killer. In just the same way flu is to those vulnerable. Testing and isolation is the only responsible action for people who aren't complete arses.'

This. Covid is NOT the common cold (although the same family of viruses). They've just brought forward the winter vaccination initiative because hospital admissions are rising again.

I caught it in May and am only now getting back to normal.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 01/09/2023 05:52

awfullytricky · 01/09/2023 05:40

I wish people would stop peddling this nonsense. Covid is a killer. In just the same way flu is to those vulnerable. Testing and isolation is the only responsible action for people who aren't complete arses.

Wish someone had thought about that before infecting and killing both my parents within a week 3 months ago.

Show quote history

I’m sorry to hear about your parents, that’s very sad and must have been very hard on you, but it’s also very unusual at this point.

working for the nhs we are now told to come to work with covid so long as we feel up to it. For the vast majority now covid is no more serious than a cold or a mild case of the flu. Of course there will always be exceptions, as with most illnesses, even a cold could lead to pneumonia in someone vulnerable.

however the OP made no mention of anyone in her household being vulnerable and it’s quite likely that her husband could be doing more to help. He could at least be sleeping on the sofa, doing some house work and helping with the older child even if she (understandably) doesn’t want to risk the babies being unwell.

Goldbar · 01/09/2023 06:02

It's a shit situation, yes, but I also sense it's a situation that wouldn't happen to your husband because you are default in your family and he flits in and out as he pleases. So there is literally no world in which he'd be sleeping on the sofa while caring single-handedly for 3 children, including 2 young babies, while you enjoy a weekend away and loaf in bed upstairs on your own.

What's he planning to do to give you a break when things get back to normal?

Doingmybest12 · 01/09/2023 06:03

I'm not surprised you feel resentful but I'm.not sure where you want him to be if you are aiming for him to isolate (have you got 1 living room/dining room) . If there is somewhere else then you shouldn't have given up the bedroom and he shouldn't have let you sleep downstairs. We have to live with covid but it is knocking people for six and if I'd got a baby twin and a 4 year old I'd be trying to avoid catching it too. Hope he's better soon..

toodledo · 01/09/2023 06:57

Agree with some PP, I wouldn't be happy with DH going on an overnight trip away.
Presumably you wouldn't get to enjoy a treat like that. And then to come back sick, useless. It's very hard looking after one baby let alone two, and another older one. I feel for you.

CountryStore · 01/09/2023 07:00

As others have said, he should never have even considered going on the trip in the first place 😡

ApolloandDaphne · 01/09/2023 07:07

There is little point nipping OPs ear about the fishing trip. It's done and her DH is unwell. Although I can imagine sleeping on the sofa is crap, as is looking after three young children, he should remain in the bedroom out of the way so he doesn't infect you or the children. You will just have to muddle through until he gets better. Resentment is normal when you are tired and fed up but there is nothing you can do right now.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 01/09/2023 07:10

Not everyone in real life finds caring for babies and children hard, in fact, only on MN does childcare and being a parent seem to be the hardest jobs on the planet.

Maybe the fishing trip had been planned and agreed to ages ago.

Plus I agree about covid basically treated like a cold now.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/09/2023 07:12

Well you offered the bed situation so you can’t blame him for that. Or for being ill. Why though was he on a fishing trip at all? I assume that was mutually agreed and you get your own trip away when he is feeling better…?

Hibiscrubbed · 01/09/2023 07:28

Well, I’d think much less of him for scheduling a multiple night trip for himself when you’ve for four month old twins and a young child. Leaving you on the sofa with them all while he wallows in bed with Covid just about puts the tin lid on it.

At a guess, I bet he’s one of these men who won’t facilitate you having downtime because he ‘can’t cope’ with all three and you ‘are naturally better at it’.

CurlewKate · 01/09/2023 07:34

I am a bit baffled! If it was discussed and arranged well in advance what's so bad about the fishing trip? Obviously if he's an arse then it's different, but if he isn't then surely either parent should be able to look after the children solo for a weekend? And I certainly wouldn't want someone with Covid anywhere near me or my babies-if I had any!

exclusion · 01/09/2023 07:38

I'm not surprised you feel resentful.

However, you've told him to sleep in the bed. He can't do right for doing wrong!

(I had a previous partner who asked me why some women say one thing and mean another. I think this is the sort of thing he was referring to)!

PinkCherryBlossoms · 01/09/2023 07:39

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 01/09/2023 07:10

Not everyone in real life finds caring for babies and children hard, in fact, only on MN does childcare and being a parent seem to be the hardest jobs on the planet.

Maybe the fishing trip had been planned and agreed to ages ago.

Plus I agree about covid basically treated like a cold now.

Yes, yes, in real life women with 4 month old twins plus an older DC all find it an entire piece of piss. It's only on MN that anyone might consider twins to be slightly hard work.

Autieangel · 01/09/2023 07:45

Did you agree to the trip? The illness is unfortunate and dragged out his 'break' I would take a day to your self if you can soon. Get a massage or go to a spa if you can afford it and manage being away for feeds.