How much do you hide the truth/lie?

[porridgeisbae]

Just that really.

I find there are often things I feel I have to lie about- for instance if I have an appointment and I don't want the person I'm talking to to know I have an appointment for something.

Or if someone pries into my life (I don't work due to bipolar but I wouldn't say that to most people, so I feel I have to make something up.)

Quite often. But about things and to people that don't matter (i don't mean that harshly)

Lying to an acquaintance to get out of something I don't want to do, isn't harming anyone. And telling a hairdresser I'm not going on holiday to avoid humble bragging is fine imo.

The biggest lies I tell are usually just to hide the truth, not big stories or to make me look better

I live in a rural area where a lot of people my age chhose not to work as their dhs earn enough. They also have lashings of money despite not working or part tinre work.

I am very quiet and dress classically so it is not obvious I am less privileged than them.

My acquaintances, parents i meet at dc sports are unaware that I still need to work fulltime as I am the main earner. People are only trying to make conversation talking about pastimes. However it would put a dampner on the mood if I said exactly how little time and money I have. A lot of them are off from part time jobs for the summer and the fact that I get only 2 weeks hols already puts a dampner on things

Close friends know my situation but I don't want to be known as the charity case in our village. Also I am 10 years older than other Mams and have a less desirable lifestyle, so I tell lies to keep up conversation.

No, but they wouldn't ask in the first place.

Interesting. I'dve thought it's the basicest of small talk (though it shouldn't be.) If you meet someone then they ask what you do as a job. Especially some taxi drivers, they go on and on about work, maybe as they work a lot. Thankfully Uber seem to discourage them from talking to the passengers too much, but you still get one or two.

I do a lot of lying by omission but I am really trying to stop it and 'own my truths'

Examples will be stupid things like "what school did your children go to?" And I will be vague and not say they went to a private school. Or things like where I went on holiday, I'll downplay it. What I do for a living, I will make jokes about it being shit.

All my lies by omission are downplaying stuff. I was taught as a child that the cardinal sin was showing off, and to even contemplate being seen as a show off has lead to many many occasions where I have not spoken the truth.

I can't be bothered with it. The older I get the less I worry about what other people think and the more prone I am to forgetting what I've said, so id not carry it off anyway. There's nothing in my life that embarrasses or shames me anymore so here I am, take me or leave me.
I do however believe that some thoughts don't benefit anyone by sharing, so the odd lie by omission or to be kind would be an exception. "No, you don't look fat" or I'm not going to go out of my way to tell you I don't like your new house type of thing.

I leave out things I want to keep private but I never lie.

I don’t lie. Not angelic, just find telling the truth much simpler.

I don’t make stuff up as it makes my brain feel dirty and I hate lying but if I find a question intrusive I will omit information, change the subject or answer a slightly different question etc.

e.g If I was out of work and people asked what I did, I would probably say I’m an HR specialist (I am, even if an unemployed one).

It's a tricky one. I understand why you feel the need to lie, and why shouldn't you , when it comes to nosey people asking intrusive questions about your personal life. If you're completely honest, at best you'll get some ill thought out 'advice' along the lines of ' oh, have you thought about working from home ' ( even though you may be unqualified/inexperienced/unable to do so), or at worst, you'll be considered ' less than ' and belittled by the not so nice judgy types who haven't a clue about mental illness. I think for a lot of people, asking what you do for a living, is a means of social lubrication and not necessarily intended to pry, but it can feel horrendous being put on the spot and trying to think of a suitable response that doesn't open you up to judgement! At the end of the day, most people are strangers so tgerefore, why are they entitled to know anything private that you are forced to divulge? Ask yourself, is your telling of a lie going to hsrm/ hurt/alter their lives in any way? If no, then protect yourself first and foremost - you owe people nothing.

e.g If I was out of work and people asked what I did, I would probably say I’m an HR specialist (I am, even if an unemployed one).

Yep, I suppose that is what I do. But sometimes it's like 'have you just come from work' 'have you got more work this afternoon' etc.

Thanks for the tips everyone.

Maybe bend the truth. For example i have a close relative who will never take "no" for an answer, and also has no boundaries. They'll often repeatedly ask me to go and do something for them or sort something out for them, and so I have to "bend the truth" about what I'm doing.

I generally believe in telling the truth and don't care what people like hairdressers and taxi drivers think of my lifestyle choices.

In recent years however I have found lying by omission (or just not answering or being vague about certain questions) a practical way to deal with family members I can't avoid and who have a tendency to be mean and judgemental, mostly due to their own issues.

That's how I operate. I was once out with a friend who was trying some clothes on. She asked the classic "does my bum look big in this?". It did actually, but I replied "I think this (pointing to something else) would suit you better"

There's lying, and there is being tactful.

I have no respect for people who lie to big themselves up. It's childish and pointless. Quite frankly, I'm shocked at the number of posters on mumsnet who think it is OK to lie a lot. Like a pp, I find not lying is much simpler.

@user1471554720 you need better friends. I live rurally and am about 10 years older than DD's friends' parents, but I am not ashamed. I work part time and don't earn a lot, but with being older I have developed the confidence to not care about what other people think of me.

A white lie to save hurting someone's feelings is fine, but otherwise I despise lying and would distance myself from a habitual liar.

So I’ve been out of work for ten years due to ill health. I’ll sometimes say that I stay at home with my children (true). Or I’ll mention I do some volunteering (also true). Or, when I’ve been doing an online course that I’m a part time or mature student (also true). So I avoid telling people my private business but I’m not lying either.
Appointments I didn’t want to talk about might go “ooh what have you been doing?” “Oh nothing exciting, at least I avoided that rain shower though… how has your day been?” So a slight deflection, but still avoids the need to lie.

But there's a world of difference between telling your best friend you aren't having an affair with her husband when you are and not wanting to go into detail with your colleague about what the private appointment in your diary is for?

Wow where do you live? A 1952 Amish village?

Anywhere where you are regarded as a "charity case" for having a job isn't somewhere I'd want to bring kids up tbh. It sounds awful.

You say close friends "know your situation" as if it's something you have to hide. You realise, right, that a majority of mums in the UK have to work? It's not your problem if people have ludicrously old-fashioned ideas and working to support your children is never a source of shame or embarrassment.

Lying is definitely a habit! I have almost totally stopped lying since I left home, but I avoid questions all the time. That’s an art in itself, but dear god it is easier than tying yourself up in knots with fibs!
re the “what do you do” poser, I’d simply go with “I’ve done job A and most recently job B.” That’s the truth, and they will take from it that you’re doing job B without you actually saying that. Then quickly reflect back to their job. Any questions after that just compare and contrast jobs A and B. “Don’t you find B rewarding” for instance gets “it is, but A was easier to just leave at work! Bet [their job] is nice for that…?” Most people just want to chat about themselves - work with this! If they go into detail about “have you just finished work”, or “are you working tomorrow” just say “no, I’ve just come from knitting club/had a housework day/looking forward to x tomorrow” and flip onto them with “do you knit/don’t we all hate housework/do you ever take your kids to x?” and off you go! Any questions about your hours/schedule just laugh off with “oh, as little as possible, luckily I’m not too hectic at the moment, as I want time for [whatever currently going on] right now”.
En route to see Botox lady “I’m popping round to see Amy, met her through Bella, blather about Bella”? Or “apparently she’s doing really well with her treatment business, it’s so nice to catch up even though she’s really busy doing Botox treatments these days, that reminds me, can we call in this weekend?”. Keep asking questions until the conversation has moved into another line is my standard tactic when I don’t want to give out my business.
Even white lies like “yeah you look lovely” I try to avoid, tend to be tactfully honest and say “not flattering” “prefer the red jumper” “will that be warm enough?” etc.

@MrsElf Genius.

Where you live sounds extremely weird. It's awful that you feel you need to lie because working FT is seen as a badge of shame and poverty!

I can't get beyond the idea that someone (I'm assuming women?) of whatever age wouldn't work because someone else in the household 'earns enough'. It's a pretty odd attitude to life, economics etc. It's never occurred to me not to work FT, and DH's income is irrelevant to that. We live in an expensive city centre area surrounded by architects, senior lawyers and medics (all my immediate neighbours are consultants because of proximity to hospitals), and both halves of all those couples I know/know of work FT. There's a very successful music producer living down the road, and his wife has a high-profile job in arts administration.

I try not to lie, but sometimes I succumb. My mil takes pride in voicing her opinions "its not what I would have, its too xyz" which is definitely not a level of honesty I admire! Saying something genuine but positive is better - eg if asked "do you like my new kitchen" then an honest "those tiles are lovely!" is better than a dishonest "mmm, yes".

In some rural areas, jobs involve a commute big enough to make family life impossible - if it takes 2 hours each way. And childcare options are hugely limited. Local employment options are mostly minimum wage ones - local village shop, (if there is one), care work, or seasonal (if tourist area) so you get to work mostly in school holidays. So its not that unusual for more women to be SAHM even after they start school.

‘Have you just come from work?’

’No, not working today. Have you been busy here?’

They don’t need to know you’ve had the last (however long) off work if you don’t want to tell them but it’s not really necessary to lie.

I hide the truth about how sore and how miserable my skin condition makes me feel. If people ask why my hands are bandaged I just laugh it off as a boring skin condition but the truth is I hate it. I just put up a front that it doesn’t bother me but it does.

Only about what birthday presents I have // haven't got for my partner😆
I'll say I've got something I haven't ... or say I haven't got something I have got.. just to catch him off guard a bit

I hide the truth about how sore and how miserable my skin condition makes me feel. If people ask why my hands are bandaged I just laugh it off as a boring skin condition but the truth is I hate it

@Splodgerbodgerbadger I can only imagine. Skin stuff can be so painful and make you self-conscious. Praying you feel better soon. x

@AutumnalPumpkin

I avoid telling an outright lie. I don't think I could square that with my morals, integrity? But I do hold my tongue a lot and try to rephrase things in a positive way at work. I am more direct with my own family.