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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that my boyfriend is enmeshed with his parents

54 replies

Redrose28 · 31/08/2023 18:38

Hi all. I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 26. We’ve been together for around 4 months now. He tells me often how much he adores his parents, which isn’t a bad thing. His parents live abroad and he contacts them everyday.

However, I’ve been having an ongoing issue with him for quite some time. He shares alot with his parents, asks them for advice often, which makes me feel like he’s enmeshed. Read on for some examples:

I’d been telling him about the health benefits of extra virgin olive oil but he didn’t want to try it. Then he asked his mother about it, she said it was good for him and told him to try it, now he buys it regularly.

I’m also going to be starting my own dance classes soon. I asked him for some advice on how much I should charge per class. He told me his thoughts then said he’ll ask his parents.

Yesterday, I confided in him some private family matters relating to my parents, particularly my dad. Basically, he asks me for money whenever I visit him and I’ve been fed up with it. These aren’t things that I want the world to know but I thought I’d be able to confide in my boyfriend. My boyfriend asked me if he can tell his parents. He said they’re very understanding people and won’t be judgemental. He thinks that by telling them they may offer advice or somehow benefit the situation. The only result of him telling them that I can see is them thinking bad of my parents. I told him I wasn’t keen on him telling them and equally he didn’t seem that keen on not telling his parents.

These are just some examples.

I really like my boyfriend and we get on great. I’m starting to think about the long term with him. I’m just worried that this issue will be ongoing, or even worsen. I respect his parents, and don’t want to isolate him but I want our own bubble too. My boyfriend has mentioned discussing pregnancy with his mother and down the line if I get pregnant etc I don’t want them to know every detail and be asked for every bit of advice from his mother.

What do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:

autumnjumper · 31/08/2023 18:42

Run for the hills! You won’t change this

Patchworksack · 31/08/2023 18:43

Did he respect your wishes when you asked him not to discuss your parents with them?
Whether he is willing to transition to you being his no 1 is the important thing- being close to parents is a good thing but he needs to see his partner/spouse as his first priority.
Thank the Lord they don’t live near you!

CheezePleeze · 31/08/2023 18:46

I don't really see anything wrong as long as he respected the fact you told him not to talk about your parents?

I've never really understood it but it seems fine for women to be close to their parents, but as soon as a man is, he get's called a 'Mummy's boy' on Mumsnet.

Itick8outof10boxes · 31/08/2023 18:46

Four months, 16 weeks, I couldn't be doing with the attached to mum's apron strings tbh. What else does he tell his parents that you don't know about?

Jeschara · 31/08/2023 18:50

End it now, to use a old expression, he is a Mummy's boy. Your life will not be your own.
Also he asked if you minded him telling his parents and when you said you would he was unhappy about that.
I would hate this.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 31/08/2023 18:52

Can I ask how you have sex with that cord in the way op?

vodkaredbullgirl · 31/08/2023 18:54

Couldn't be doing with that, I would run.

minipie · 31/08/2023 18:55

He tells me often how much he adores his parents, which isn’t a bad thing

It isn’t a bad thing for him to adore his parents. It is a very weird, and IMO bad, thing for him to feel the need to tell you this often.

Freshair1 · 31/08/2023 18:57

Gross gross gross. Run.

Afewweeksofsummer · 31/08/2023 19:00

Bit hard to say as you've only given a few examples.

My husband was still tied to the apron strings when we met and it has ended up causing conflict.

Nothing at all wrong with a man being close to his parents, but being basically a mummy's boy and still doing everything they tell him is extremely off putting.

Alloveragain3 · 31/08/2023 19:09

If he listens to you when you ask him not to share, I don't see an issue.

It's great they have a healthy relationship. Honestly, people on mumsnet seem to think men should call their parents once a week and see them at Christmas, funerals and weddings. Ridiculous.

Afewweeksofsummer · 31/08/2023 19:13

Alloveragain3 · 31/08/2023 19:09

If he listens to you when you ask him not to share, I don't see an issue.

It's great they have a healthy relationship. Honestly, people on mumsnet seem to think men should call their parents once a week and see them at Christmas, funerals and weddings. Ridiculous.

Nothing wrong with being close and getting along.

It's the olive oil example that rang alarm bells for me.

My now dhs favourite phrase was "my mum does it like this", see also "I'll ask my parents", over every minor decision. See also "I'll have to ask mum and dad" if he was allowed to do something.

You're 26 fgs!!

Thankfully dh did eventually grow out of it once he was about 30.

gabagood · 31/08/2023 19:18

Run!

ImWally6 · 31/08/2023 19:20

This has been me and I lasted a year.

Run, run, run.

My ex starting crying when I laughed because he missed the bucket at a toll booth and his pound pinged out. He said it was bad enough losing a £1 but I laughed about it.

He then cried on another occasion because I laughed because he trumped infront of me. This was on our first and last holiday.

He kept me awake all night interrogating me asking questions about something.

He made me take my top off because he was allergic to wool so I had to sit in my bra. Humiliating.

He started crying because I said I wouldn't breast feed. We did not have any children, nor was I pregnant or trying for a baby.

His mum used to barge into his bedroom without knocking.

His mum came to the theatre and proceeded to sit between us.

All I can say is run honestly. Run run run as fast as you can.

LakeTiticaca · 31/08/2023 19:28

He's a mummy's boy. Run for the hills

Britneyfan · 31/08/2023 19:31

Honestly I’d be ok with most of this (it’s nice that he’s close to his parents and clearly sees them as people who are potentially helpful supportive people to bounce things off) and to be fair he does live in a different country to his parents. I agree it sounds like it goes a bit too far at times but he is still quite young, I think there is hope for change in the future depending how he reacts to certain things now. Like whether he respects your decision to not want to talk the situation with your dad through with them. And how much he wants to involve them in the pregnancy!

aloris · 31/08/2023 19:33

"He made me take my top off because he was allergic to wool so I had to sit in my bra. Humiliating."

Wait what? That is bizarre. Why didn't he give you another shirt to wear, or he could have just ended the date and you could have met up with each other another time or something?

thistimelastweek · 31/08/2023 19:41

4 months in and he's talking pregnancy not just with you but with his mum?

I'm all for a guy getting on with his parents but this is plain weird.

ImWally6 · 31/08/2023 19:41

aloris · 31/08/2023 19:33

"He made me take my top off because he was allergic to wool so I had to sit in my bra. Humiliating."

Wait what? That is bizarre. Why didn't he give you another shirt to wear, or he could have just ended the date and you could have met up with each other another time or something?

It was in his house. He had severe eczema. By this time i was emotionally bullied.

sodthesodoff · 31/08/2023 19:47

I mean there are red flags all over the place.

I find it telling you suggest he try something. He says no. His mum says try it. He does.

That's where you are in the pecking order. Beware this is your future. He won't listen to you. He will listen to mummy.

Also he's discussing pregnancy with his mum? What you being pregnant or just in general? Either way does sound like they're just looking a vessel for a baby. And just remember where you are in that pecking order... definitely don't have kids with this man.

JamSandle · 31/08/2023 19:49

I dont really see anything wrong with it to be honest.

aloris · 31/08/2023 20:00

ImWally6 · 31/08/2023 19:41

It was in his house. He had severe eczema. By this time i was emotionally bullied.

Show quote history

He could have given you a shirt of his own to wear, surely. I'm so sorry that happened to you, it sounds awful.

BrightLightTonight · 31/08/2023 20:24

4 months, and you are already discussing pregnancy?

ImWally6 · 31/08/2023 20:34

aloris · 31/08/2023 20:00

He could have given you a shirt of his own to wear, surely. I'm so sorry that happened to you, it sounds awful.

Show quote history

Thank you. He didn't want me wear one because my body lotion/deodrant/perfume would have set his ex (can't spell it, dry skin/rash) off even after he had washes it the materials linger in the fabric apparently.

I only was with him a year so got out just in time x

IamnotSethRogan · 31/08/2023 20:37

If he respected your wishes not to talk to his parents then I don't see the issue. The fact that he asked you and didn't go ahead and do it shows respect for your privacy

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