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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my boyfriend is enmeshed with his parents

54 replies

Redrose28 · 31/08/2023 18:38

Hi all. I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 26. We’ve been together for around 4 months now. He tells me often how much he adores his parents, which isn’t a bad thing. His parents live abroad and he contacts them everyday.

However, I’ve been having an ongoing issue with him for quite some time. He shares alot with his parents, asks them for advice often, which makes me feel like he’s enmeshed. Read on for some examples:

I’d been telling him about the health benefits of extra virgin olive oil but he didn’t want to try it. Then he asked his mother about it, she said it was good for him and told him to try it, now he buys it regularly.

I’m also going to be starting my own dance classes soon. I asked him for some advice on how much I should charge per class. He told me his thoughts then said he’ll ask his parents.

Yesterday, I confided in him some private family matters relating to my parents, particularly my dad. Basically, he asks me for money whenever I visit him and I’ve been fed up with it. These aren’t things that I want the world to know but I thought I’d be able to confide in my boyfriend. My boyfriend asked me if he can tell his parents. He said they’re very understanding people and won’t be judgemental. He thinks that by telling them they may offer advice or somehow benefit the situation. The only result of him telling them that I can see is them thinking bad of my parents. I told him I wasn’t keen on him telling them and equally he didn’t seem that keen on not telling his parents.

These are just some examples.

I really like my boyfriend and we get on great. I’m starting to think about the long term with him. I’m just worried that this issue will be ongoing, or even worsen. I respect his parents, and don’t want to isolate him but I want our own bubble too. My boyfriend has mentioned discussing pregnancy with his mother and down the line if I get pregnant etc I don’t want them to know every detail and be asked for every bit of advice from his mother.

What do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 31/08/2023 20:42

As another poster mentioned 4 months and pregnancy? But separately when a women is this close to their parents their seems no issue

neilyoungismyhero · 31/08/2023 20:42

BrightLightTonight · 31/08/2023 20:24

4 months, and you are already discussing pregnancy?

Not sure the OP is!

Cosyblankets · 31/08/2023 20:46

BrightLightTonight · 31/08/2023 20:24

4 months, and you are already discussing pregnancy?

Glad I'm not the only one thinking this

vodkaredbullgirl · 31/08/2023 21:43

Why are you still with him, you have many posts about your relationship.

sodthesodoff · 31/08/2023 21:54

Holy moly mother of god.

Advanced search on this relationship has thrown up a whole load of shit I can't unsee

Good grief woman. Grow up. Throw him in the bin. And then grow up some more.

Castlereagh · 31/08/2023 21:59

One of my ex boyfriends had a lovely little chat with his mum about whether he should break up with me. I took the decision right out of their hands 😁run OP don't bother trying to change this!

InSpainTheRain · 31/08/2023 22:05

Run! Parents and wool jumper thing- weird!!

amprev · 31/08/2023 22:13

I would find this deeply unattractive.

electriclight · 31/08/2023 22:20

I speak to my mum most days too, discuss all sorts of things including relationships.

Any bf who didn't like it could fuck off.

Waterweir · 31/08/2023 22:26

A long thread recently from a poster who longed to go home and be cared for by her Mum. Lots and lots of posters expressed support. So many posters agreeing that your primary relationship is with your mother. A Mum posted to say her young recently graduated son wanted to come and live at home. All the women who supported close relationships with their mothers promptly called him a Mummy's boy.
There is a lot of research that shows men who have a good affectionate relationship with their mothers have good respectful relationships with other women. Still MN uses the term Mummy's boy as a term of abuse.
Women who are jealous of MILS are more likely to be jealous of Stepdaughters and Sisters in Law.
Abusers often try to drive a wedge between their victims and their families. A lot of posters on here appear to be desperate to do just that and keep their male partners away from female friends and female family members. It is not right it is not healthy and it is an ongoing example of women hating other women.

sodthesodoff · 31/08/2023 22:30

Waterweir · 31/08/2023 22:26

A long thread recently from a poster who longed to go home and be cared for by her Mum. Lots and lots of posters expressed support. So many posters agreeing that your primary relationship is with your mother. A Mum posted to say her young recently graduated son wanted to come and live at home. All the women who supported close relationships with their mothers promptly called him a Mummy's boy.
There is a lot of research that shows men who have a good affectionate relationship with their mothers have good respectful relationships with other women. Still MN uses the term Mummy's boy as a term of abuse.
Women who are jealous of MILS are more likely to be jealous of Stepdaughters and Sisters in Law.
Abusers often try to drive a wedge between their victims and their families. A lot of posters on here appear to be desperate to do just that and keep their male partners away from female friends and female family members. It is not right it is not healthy and it is an ongoing example of women hating other women.

Yeah I think you need to read the ops other threads on this relationship

Like the bit where he told his parents about what sex acts they got up to

Normal healthy parental relationship - good
This is not normal. Not healthy. And the fact the op is back yet again asking if this is okay - not good.

Waterweir · 31/08/2023 22:30

The thread

Just want to go home and live with my mum http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4878424-just-want-to-go-home-and-live-with-my-mum

Waterweir · 31/08/2023 22:35

But so many posters on here talk to their mothers everyday. A recent poster texted her mother numerous times a day including first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
I have another link to a thread where a woman confided in her mother about everything in her marriage. Again, on MN that is seen as normal.
Yet posters appear to hate it when their male partners mirror their own behaviour.

Lostinplaces · 31/08/2023 22:37

I joined a family holiday with an old boyfriend years ago. I came down stairs one morning to find him being spoon fed cereal by his mum apparently ‘he wasn’t feeling very well’ he was 26. I made my excuses and left that day. Nothing has ever made my vag clamp shut faster since that day.

vodkaredbullgirl · 31/08/2023 22:37

Have you read the op's posts or are you just going to link other posts.

sodthesodoff · 31/08/2023 22:38

Waterweir · 31/08/2023 22:35

But so many posters on here talk to their mothers everyday. A recent poster texted her mother numerous times a day including first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
I have another link to a thread where a woman confided in her mother about everything in her marriage. Again, on MN that is seen as normal.
Yet posters appear to hate it when their male partners mirror their own behaviour.

People haven't said anything about not speaking to their parents regularly

It's the fact he won't do anything unless his mum says so

And the sex stuff obvs...

Waterweir · 31/08/2023 22:43

I bet a heck of a lot more women tell their mothers about their boyfriends, partners, husbands than the others way round.

sodthesodoff · 31/08/2023 22:45

Waterweir · 31/08/2023 22:43

I bet a heck of a lot more women tell their mothers about their boyfriends, partners, husbands than the others way round.

Hey @Redrose28 I think you should put this poster in touch with your partner once you've dumped him

She's fine with her sex life being discussed with his parents

Gosh that problem was solved remarkably easily.

circacircle · 31/08/2023 22:49

As most problems are with men. They do find other partners really quickly. Nearly 50 % of marriages break down but your Mum will always be your Mum.

nonheme · 31/08/2023 22:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HowAmYa · 31/08/2023 23:17

Oh FGS.

If you have to make THIS MANY THREADS in 4 months, you should seriously split and call it a day.

It doesn't matter if people on here think you should leave because of his relationship with his parents. It doesn't matter if people here think you should stay because there's nothing wrong with the relationship with his parents.

But if you're going to make 4/5 threads about the same guy saying the same thing that bothers you then you should realise that THESE THINGS BOTHER YOU and that you are just not right for one another!

Stop stringing this guy along when you have had so many doubts for so many months.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 31/08/2023 23:18

IamnotSethRogan · 31/08/2023 20:37

If he respected your wishes not to talk to his parents then I don't see the issue. The fact that he asked you and didn't go ahead and do it shows respect for your privacy

Exactly this!

If he was telling them all of your private business then it would be different but he’s not.
He’s just close to them and asking them for advice because he trusts their judgement.

You too sound like you discuss private matters with your parents and then tell your bf of only 4 months - I can’t see your parents being very happy about that.

I think he’s the one that should run for the hills personally.

Batalax · 31/08/2023 23:23

IamnotSethRogan · 31/08/2023 20:37

If he respected your wishes not to talk to his parents then I don't see the issue. The fact that he asked you and didn't go ahead and do it shows respect for your privacy

This

Hibiscrubbed · 31/08/2023 23:24

Mate….run. Trust me.

FictionalCharacter · 31/08/2023 23:25

sodthesodoff · 31/08/2023 19:47

I mean there are red flags all over the place.

I find it telling you suggest he try something. He says no. His mum says try it. He does.

That's where you are in the pecking order. Beware this is your future. He won't listen to you. He will listen to mummy.

Also he's discussing pregnancy with his mum? What you being pregnant or just in general? Either way does sound like they're just looking a vessel for a baby. And just remember where you are in that pecking order... definitely don't have kids with this man.

All of this.
Of course it’s ok for someone to be close to their parents. But that isn’t what this is. And constantly telling your girlfriend that you adore your parents is very odd.