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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell friend I don’t like the name she’s called me for ten years?

56 replies

flossyragdoll · 31/08/2023 10:22

Example (not my name but similar scenario) -

Name: Danielle
Prefer to be called: Danielle or Dani
Friend calls me: Dan

I never used to mind being called ‘Dan’, but for the last few years it has made me cringe. It doesn’t feel like ‘me’ and I don’t want other people to hear and start calling me it too.

Obviously I can say “I’ve gone off being called Dan, can you call me Dani instead”, but in reality (although maybe not on Mumsnet, where screaming “NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE” is widely considered to be normal and proportional) I worry this might be a bit awkward. She might wonder why I haven’t told her before and feel embarrassed at all the times she was calling me by a name I didn’t like, possibly wondering if there were other things she was doing that I didn’t like and wasn’t telling her (that’s how I’d feel anyway).

I only see this friend a couple of times a month, so I’m thinking of just leaving her to it and getting back to worrying about more pressing matters. It’s not like she’s calling me by a weird or rude nickname, it’s just a shortened version of my own name.

Voting -

Yes YWBU to tell her after ten years, that ship has sailed.

No YWNBU to tell her you don’t like what she calls you.

OP posts:
RadioFoot · 31/08/2023 10:23

It's fine.

LunaNorth · 31/08/2023 10:25

‘Oh bloody hell, don’t call me that, I’m far too old for it. I’ve slung it on the scrap heap with my hotpants, hahaha.’

Done.

10HailMarys · 31/08/2023 10:27

By all means tell her in a lighthearted way. If she’s always called you that, though, and you used to be fine with it, it might be hard for her to break the habit so cut her some slack if she forgets.

Changingmymind66 · 31/08/2023 10:33

Omg! I hope it's not me! I realised a while back I'm terrible for shortening names (honestly I only do it if I love that person to bits :-) and have various unflattering names myself). So yeah, just tell her light-heartedly.

Original poster
flossyragdoll · 31/08/2023 10:33

LunaNorth · 31/08/2023 10:25

‘Oh bloody hell, don’t call me that, I’m far too old for it. I’ve slung it on the scrap heap with my hotpants, hahaha.’

Done.

Thanks for the suggestion - unfortunately the version of my name she calls me actually sounds much older than the one I prefer!

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 31/08/2023 10:35

I think she was rude to start calling you a name without checking it with you first.

Absolutely tell her.

And if she still does it, bastardise her name too.

Original poster
flossyragdoll · 31/08/2023 10:36

Changingmymind66 · 31/08/2023 10:33

Omg! I hope it's not me! I realised a while back I'm terrible for shortening names (honestly I only do it if I love that person to bits :-) and have various unflattering names myself). So yeah, just tell her light-heartedly.

Lol! This is one of the reasons it’s hard - she’s a really close friend and it’s done from a place of love and comfort, so I don’t want to take what is essentially a lovely thing and make it awkward.

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 31/08/2023 10:36

My Aunt recently told me she didn't like the shortening of her name I've always called her for over 30 years! My dad is her brother so I reckon it's been a long wind up tbh. Bit awkward but I don't want to offend so do my best to break the habit!

cariadlet · 31/08/2023 10:38

Maybe you could start signing off texts, WhatsApp messages etc with your preferred name

She might clock that it's not the name which she has been using without having to have the awkward conversation.

Changingmymind66 · 31/08/2023 10:38

flossyragdoll · 31/08/2023 10:33

Thanks for the suggestion - unfortunately the version of my name she calls me actually sounds much older than the one I prefer!

Show quote history

So maybe "ahhh these days I prefer xxxxx if you can call me that instead?" Xxxx makes me feel like an old wrinkley bum."

Marsyas · 31/08/2023 10:38

I think if you just say you have gone off it recently - if there's anything you can dredge up about why that might be that would help! - it's not saying "I have always hated you calling me that" but "Things have changed and I don't like it any more." Is there anyone in the public eye called by the shortening that you could realistically have taken against?

SallySunrise · 31/08/2023 10:41

You can't possibly tell her now. The only solution is to change your name by deed poll to something else entirely.

LunaNorth · 31/08/2023 10:44

flossyragdoll · 31/08/2023 10:33

Thanks for the suggestion - unfortunately the version of my name she calls me actually sounds much older than the one I prefer!

Show quote history

”Oh bloody hell, don’t call me that, I feel old enough!”

Light-hearted and slightly self-deprecating is my go-to approach to assertiveness. It usually works.

Movinghouseatlast · 31/08/2023 10:46

I am in exactly the same situation with my best friend.

Example is I am.called Melanie, she has started to call me Mel in the last 10 years- we have known each other for nearly 40 years!

I absolutely fucking hate it. We have a friend with the same name as me who has always used the shortened version and I feel she kind of lumps us together by calling us the same thing.

I have never referred to myself as Mel, I always sign everything with Melanie. Everyone calls me Melanie.

It makes me want to scream!

JuneBeWonderful · 31/08/2023 10:48

My friend went back to her full name rather than a shortened version. Had known her for a decade when she did it, fairly easy to remember to use her full name. No one minded.

icallitasplodge · 31/08/2023 10:51

I remember an old friend saying to me years ago that she hated the name I called her (very standard shortening)

Years later literally everyone calls her that now, family, friends, her husband, and she doesn’t bat an eyelid but I absolutely refuse to do it. I’ll call her by her whole name and nothing else.

Aworldofwonder · 31/08/2023 10:55

Make it sound like it's a recent preference for you and it's not only her you're correcting.

My friend Michael (formerly known as Mike) would say on repeat "I answer to Micheal now" till everyone fell into line.

CoteDOpale · 31/08/2023 11:00

I’ve had this, it’s hard. As a Katherine I preferred Kate, Katie was OK, but had a friend who insisted on calling me ‘Kat’.

In the end I just had to have the initial awkward conversation and say ‘mmm, I’m not really a fan of Kat, can we stick with Kate/Katie please?!’

It’s a lot harder after 10 years, but if she’s your friend she’ll understand. Get the awkward part over and done with.

AllotmentTime · 31/08/2023 11:06

Bring it up as if you have liked that name but changed. Ask for her opinion on the new shortening, have conversations like "I don't know whether that's weird to ask people- you'd remember though right? It's not too big an ask?" so that she's pushed towards saying no of course she'd remember and would call you by the new name.

And then correct her if she does slip, you have a small window of opportunity where it won't be rude to remind her that "you've changed your mind". Otherwise she'll think it was a random idea that you dropped again.

BellaJuno · 31/08/2023 11:14

SallySunrise · 31/08/2023 10:41

You can't possibly tell her now. The only solution is to change your name by deed poll to something else entirely.

Yes totally this 😂

In all seriousness, just say you’ve recently realised you prefer Dani or Danielle so could she call you that, acknowledging it might take her a little while to get used to it. Then every time she calls you Dan by accident, add an “e” or “yell” sound with a wink or wry smile.

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2023 11:26

flossyragdoll · 31/08/2023 10:36

Lol! This is one of the reasons it’s hard - she’s a really close friend and it’s done from a place of love and comfort, so I don’t want to take what is essentially a lovely thing and make it awkward.

Show quote history

So it's ok for you to not like it but she can carry on?

Either don't answer when she uses it (until she asks why)
Or just bloomin' tell her!

'Agnes, I really don't like being called Gertie so please could you use my actual name? I'd really prefer that'

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 31/08/2023 11:33

I have a lovely friend who does the same to me, she even does it when she writes to me, and I don't mind because it comes from a place of affection but I don't see her often enough for it to be a problem.

I would go down the route of wanting to "rebrand" myself and ask her to back you up and call you by your chosen name and as already said, remind her with a grin or a wink until it sticks.

It really isn't a big deal - my cousin who had always been known by the shorter version of her name started calling herself her full name (as an adult) and I would never think to call her by the name she went by as a child.

NeedToChangeName · 31/08/2023 11:34

Never too late to speak up

Don't make a big deal of it

"By the way, I prefer to use Susie now, not Susannah". No need for complicated explanations or handwringing / awkward conversations

This may sound like weird advice, but when I'm trying to be assertive, this works for me ................... I imagine I'm in a cafe, placing an order, talking to a waiter. I'll be friendly and polite, all bright and breezy, but quite direct and clear what I want (and expect to happen)

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/08/2023 11:56

I'd tell her but make something up. There's an annoying new woman at work called Dan and every time you hear the name now you think of her. Youve got a neighbour with an awful accent who says 'Daaaaaaaaaan' and now you can't hear the name without cringing. Etc

Lastchancechica · 31/08/2023 12:03

I have a similar issue. But with a different outcome. 30 yr friendship. No one else calls me the shortened name but her, I have been known by my real name for all of my adult life. I asked her around 5 years ago to use my real name, I actually can not stand the name she calls me, but asked her gently. She kicked off saying she didn’t know as xx and can’t be expected to remember, it’s not fair on her kids!!!!! They are 18 & 15!
She begrudgingly calls me my name from time to time, and says it in a way that makes me uncomfortable. It has weirdly come between us.

I don’t think that should stop you speaking up though. You have a right to choose how you are addressed - it’s a fundamental human right.

I think there were underlying issues with my friend