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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSis partner routing through our stuff

45 replies

VinylVinyl · 30/08/2023 23:01

Long time poster but name changed.

Im not going to give much context as I want to see what people think about this behaviour without much context first, so apologies for what will look like drip feeding.

My dad died recently. I was at the house today with my DSis and her partner (who I’ve met once). I was looking at my dads vinyl records and DSis partner mentioned that he’d had a look through them already.

I feel really upset that he has been routing through my dads stuff before I’ve even had a chance to look.

AIBU to be upset about this or is this just bereavement emotions making me more sensitive?

OP posts:
Thelonelygiraffe · 30/08/2023 23:03

I'm so y sorry for your loss.

Your sister's bf should be nowhere near your dad's belongings.

Original poster
VinylVinyl · 30/08/2023 23:04

Thank you Thelonelygiraffe

OP posts:
GrumpyOldCrone · 30/08/2023 23:05

I can see why that would trouble you. Is he a new-ish partner?

If he’s been your sister’s partner for 20 years and they live on the other side of the world, and that’s why you’ve only met him once before, then maybe YABU. But if he’s new on the scene he probably shouldn’t really be there.

GrazingSheep · 30/08/2023 23:05

Did your sister say to him that it was ok for him to root through stuff?

MadamWhiteleigh · 30/08/2023 23:06

Depends really. Why was he rooting through stuff? Did he take anything? Is he helping to sort stuff out?

Is he a new partner?

Original poster
VinylVinyl · 30/08/2023 23:07

He’s been in her life on and off for a couple of years GrumpyOldCrone

GrazingSheep I am not sure if DSis knows or was with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
VinylVinyl · 30/08/2023 23:08

MadamWhiteleigh he was just seeing what was there I think. He’s being with her on and off for a couple of years.

OP posts:
Greenpolkadot · 30/08/2023 23:10

I don't think you're BU at all.
Yes you're emotional and sensitive but the bf has no business going through your dad's stuff
Why was he doing anyway ? Would he have taken something if there was something that appealed to him.?

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2023 23:11

He shouldn't be there rifling through bits at all.
He can support your sister if she needs it by making cuppas and doing some cleaning but not going through your dad's things.
How would your sister take this in a conversation?

Original poster
VinylVinyl · 30/08/2023 23:12

Greenpolkadot I don’t know what he was looking. I don’t think he’s taken anything but I have no idea what was there. The vinyl records are quite important to us sentimentally and there may be the odd valuable one.

OP posts:
Original poster
VinylVinyl · 30/08/2023 23:13

TomatoSandwiches He’s always there so hard to talk to DSis without him there.

OP posts:
wanttokickoffbutcant · 30/08/2023 23:47

When my mum died my husband sat on the sofa until we asked him to take stuff out to the car or bin. He did not involved unless asked.

ElEmEnOhPee · 31/08/2023 00:15

It's possibly he was just trying to occupy/distract himself whilst your Dsis was sorting through more personal items? How long was he there for? perhaps he was bored if it was a long time?

Not sure I'd be upset about this but I've never been in that situation so I'm unsure.

Sorry about your loss.

midlifecrash · 31/08/2023 00:16

Did he root through boxes or did he have a look at some records which were out, which is something that people who have vinyl themselves tend to do? He should not have done in these circumstances I agree. Could he have thought he might be able to advise you about them?

Hopelesscynic · 31/08/2023 00:23

I dont see an issue. It's not like he was rifling through your dad's underwear, expensive jewelry or credit cards. It's just music, he was probably just taking a look while your sister was sorting something else. He is her partner and she obviously trusts him enough to bring him along. If you're concerned, maybe ask her to come alone next time.

HerMammy · 31/08/2023 00:24

You've met him once yet say he's there all the time??
Having a flip though some albums isn't rooting through his stuff, I think you're over emotional and focusing on this.

saraclara · 31/08/2023 00:30

Hopelesscynic · 31/08/2023 00:23

I dont see an issue. It's not like he was rifling through your dad's underwear, expensive jewelry or credit cards. It's just music, he was probably just taking a look while your sister was sorting something else. He is her partner and she obviously trusts him enough to bring him along. If you're concerned, maybe ask her to come alone next time.

That.

CharlotteFlax · 31/08/2023 00:32

I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard and emotional but I do think its the bereavement making you over sensitive. I do totally understand though!

I agree with a previous poster that vinyl enthusiasts will totally just have a look at a vinyl collection and not see anything wrong with it because the vinyl owner would understand and probably be proud of being told there was some good stuff in there. I am assuming that your dads records were "out" as it were, and not packed away in a hidden cupboard.

If it's just the records that he's looked through then I'd let it go if you can, and if you feel able to, ask your sister nicely to keep him away whilst you sort your dads things.

Sending lots of love and strength to you 💐

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 31/08/2023 00:37

Thelonelygiraffe · 30/08/2023 23:03

I'm so y sorry for your loss.

Your sister's bf should be nowhere near your dad's belongings.

Surely it depends on the context and why? What if he was supporting his partner and she says he help me go through those to see what’s there etc?

If he was going through it see what he can pilfer etc then that’s different but OP has not given any context.

MenoDad · 31/08/2023 00:37

Sorry for your loss.
We've just sorted out some of my late father's stuff. For me, the garage was emotionally the hardest.
I have been a big vinyl collector and lots of my friends had huge music collections before streaming was a thing.
To look through someone's records was/is the same as scanning bookshelves and even a bit similar to looking at things on mantal pieces.
It's not the same as looking in drawers or flicking through a jewellery box.
One copy of Sgt Pepper is pretty much the same as another although your dad's well played records will have all the familiar scratches in the right place to your ears.

When my dad died there was a lot of time to fill, we drank tea, walked the dog, looking at phones seemed somehow a bit rude, flicking through records might have felt like almost a polite way of marking time.
However if the bloke is unpleasant, than anything he does will be wrong and this might be a time for just sisters and long time partners. Best wishes

Pinkpots · 31/08/2023 00:40

When my MIL died last year even though I’ve been married to my DH for ever, I didn’t go with my DH when he first went with his sister to look through his mum’s things ( his dad died many years ago) I felt that they needed that time together. After that the whole family got involved as there was a whole house to clear so I did end up looking through a lot of her stuff as did my BIL and all my MIL’s grandchildren as they are all adults now.
When my mum’s sister died my mum asked me and my sister to go with her ( several hundred miles) to help her sort out my aunt’s personal things.
I don’t know that there is a right way or wrong way to do these things?
Although I did hear from a friend about a terrible experience when their last grandparent died all the extended family went to the house on an arranged day to sort out the house and take any personal trinkets they wanted as a memory. My friend ended up leaving them to it when 2 of her cousins almost came to blows over a washing machine that they both wanted.

HeddaGarbled · 31/08/2023 00:53

Record collection isn’t really personal stuff. I know you say it’s sentimental to you but that’s not usual and the boyfriend wouldn’t expect that.

I look at people’s bookcases because I’m interested in books. I’m not going to nick any and I’m not sizing them up for valuable ones. If the owner was there, we’d have a conversation about them. If they were private, they wouldn’t be in the bookcases.

Looking at it from a completely different perspective, you could actually take it as a signifier of respect and admiration for your dad and his interest in music and consequent collection.

Original poster
VinylVinyl · 31/08/2023 07:28

That’s really helpful to know that mostly people think that it’s normal behaviour. The context is that I think that my sister is in a coercive and controlling relationship so it’s hard not to see everything he does through that lens. Yesterday was the third time I’ve met him. Once when organising funeral. At the funeral but I didn’t really speak to him and then yesterday. She’s changed beyond recognition since meeting him and he often leaves her, breaks up with her, then comes back. Other people have expressed concern.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 31/08/2023 07:34

I don’t really see the issue. I think it is quite normal to look through a record collection, it’s a bit like looking at books on a shelf. Just something to do. You would have a point of he was going through all his old paperwork, letters and documents.

MenoDad · 31/08/2023 08:13

It's very sad @VinylVinyl that not only have you lost a parent but in some ways also a sister.

Is there anyway you can manipulate the situation to see you sister alone, do you have a partner/friend who you can explain the situation to and use them to take the unpleasant partner off to the supermarket/tip/walk the dog leaving you two sisters together alone.

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