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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DSis partner routing through our stuff

45 replies

VinylVinyl · 30/08/2023 23:01

Long time poster but name changed.

Im not going to give much context as I want to see what people think about this behaviour without much context first, so apologies for what will look like drip feeding.

My dad died recently. I was at the house today with my DSis and her partner (who I’ve met once). I was looking at my dads vinyl records and DSis partner mentioned that he’d had a look through them already.

I feel really upset that he has been routing through my dads stuff before I’ve even had a chance to look.

AIBU to be upset about this or is this just bereavement emotions making me more sensitive?

OP posts:

LakeTiticaca · 31/08/2023 08:36

I wouldn't say it's unreasonable if the vinyls are on a display cabinet in the front room, however, he doesn't sound a particularly pleasant character and I assume you are aware that some vinyls are now worth a lot of of money so keep an eye on any going missing

WimpoleHat · 31/08/2023 08:39

It depends. If he has gone to support her and is hanging around a bit, I don’t think it’s a massive intrusion to flip through some records - they’re on display and not personal in any way. Different if it was personal letters or stuff like that, of course.

10HailMarys · 31/08/2023 08:40

VinylVinyl · 31/08/2023 07:28

That’s really helpful to know that mostly people think that it’s normal behaviour. The context is that I think that my sister is in a coercive and controlling relationship so it’s hard not to see everything he does through that lens. Yesterday was the third time I’ve met him. Once when organising funeral. At the funeral but I didn’t really speak to him and then yesterday. She’s changed beyond recognition since meeting him and he often leaves her, breaks up with her, then comes back. Other people have expressed concern.

Well, this is quite the drip feed.

MillWood85 · 31/08/2023 08:45

My Dad died in January, and my sister and I are NC so it was especially hard having to deal with her. She'd married a year before, I'd never met her DH and when I went to Dad's flat for the first time after he'd died, she was there with him and I was furious. He had no place there at all, and I got really upset when he started going through Dad's things. My own DH had known, respected and loved my Dad for 30 years and even he felt it wasn't his place to go through his things, it was mine.

I completely understand, and I'm so sorry for your loss

MsSquiz · 31/08/2023 08:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable. When my DM died, I was the one to go through her things (as an only child) DH came with me to help, but never just went through her stuff. He sat with me as went through things and talked about memories, helped box items up or bin them, loaded things to the car and arranged for a charity to collect some items once we had gone through them.

Hufflepods · 31/08/2023 09:07

VinylVinyl · 30/08/2023 23:13

TomatoSandwiches He’s always there so hard to talk to DSis without him there.

He's always there but you've only met him once?

I think you're being a bit unreasonable around it really. There is nothing to suggest he was trying to look for valuable records or take anything, he was just having a look presumably while your sister was going through other items belonging to your dad.

Original poster

VinylVinyl · 31/08/2023 22:46

MillWood85 so sorry for your loss. It sounds like a similar situation. I hope things got easier for you. So hard when these things happen and family relationships are difficult.

OP posts:

Original poster

VinylVinyl · 31/08/2023 22:49

Hufflepods sorry for confusion. I’d only met him once. Then at funeral but didn’t talk to him much. Then when at flat. Every phone call prior to that - relating to dads death - when I’ve thought I’ve been talking to my sister in private, at some point he will chip in with something irrelevant. An opinion usually. A strong one. Often irrelevant. So he’s always there in that sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

VinylVinyl · 31/08/2023 22:51

10HailMarys as I said in my OP. The drip feed is deliberate because I wanted to separate the behaviour from my view of him. Which was helpful. The behaviour seems to be seen as normal.

OP posts:

WomanHereHear · 31/08/2023 23:07

Sorry for your loss OP. I had a feeling there was something not right about him when you mentioned him always being there with her. It would bother me too and from what I know most decent people know when to butt out and respect this time. And also the bit about you thinking you were having a private convo with her and him butting in randomly I can relate to. I have a bil that does this and whilst I don’t know enough to think he’s a bad one there is something controlling about not allowing someone to have a private conversation. Sorry you’re having to deal with this and also pp Millwood, I feel this is something I will be dealing with one day as my siblings are similar with having domineering partners with questionable intentions.

MuggleMe · 31/08/2023 23:23

If it's something they wouldn't mind the deceased seeing them do when alive then I'd say it's ok. I would browse a record collection or bookshelf if out on display and I was round someone's house, so I'd say on balance ok. If they were in boxes that's another matter.

RobertaFirmino · 01/09/2023 00:01

Whenever I encounter a record collection, I always have a good look. I will ask for permission first though, these are often prized possessions.
I do understand why you feel bad though, I can imagine it feels very vulture-like. You mention that some of them might be worth a few quid. My advice is to take these records home with you. The market for second hand vinyl is increasing all the time. You don't want to risk him helping himself.
I work at a charity shop and it is my job to value the records and CDs and determine whether they should be sold in the shop or on Discogs, Ebay etc. I am happy to help you value your Dad's records if you'd like just so you know. Just drop me a DM.

Original poster

VinylVinyl · 01/09/2023 07:46

RobertaFirmino thank you for the offer. We have friends that would value them but to be honest there is no way we would sell. It’s not really that I think he’d steal anything. I find him intrusive so it’s helpful to know lots of people would do this. I think in his shoes I would stand back and ask what needs doing.

OP posts:

Original poster

VinylVinyl · 01/09/2023 08:00

WomanHereHear thank you. That’s reassuring you would feel the same.

I rarely get an instant feeling of dislike about someone but I get a prickly feeling about him but it’s hard to unpick from my bereaved state and what I’ve heard about him before. I am going to ask my DSis if we can have time together at the house.

OP posts:

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 01/09/2023 08:04

Looking at records is not really rooting through stuff in and of itself IMHO. If I did that, it would be entirely innocent and just to have a look as I was there and I was interested. I'd have asked my partner's permission though.

However if you think they have ulterior motives like pounds signs in their eyes, maybe they were rooting through.

However you feel about it is fine though. You're grieving. You're allowed to feel protective for whatever reason.

rwalker · 01/09/2023 08:08

I think everything is raw and emotions are high
my dad died last year and BIL did something similar didn’t bother me at all
I think it a personal think my wife said it was nothing to do with her and went nowhere near when sorting stuff

I don’t think there’s a right or a wrong here

GLORIAGloriarse · 01/09/2023 08:11

Sorry for your loss. Yes, it sounds like you're right to have concerns about him but I wouldn't have said looking through records was a problem in itself (unless he was looking to help himself or going in rooms uninvited). As a PP says, it could be like looking at books on a shelf, quite an innocent way of having some insight into the person. Ask your sister if you can spend some time just the two of you. He doesn't need to be there all the time.

Waystation · 01/09/2023 08:25

My FIL died 18 months ago - my normally very emotionally contained DH was furious when his sisters very controlling BF started opening FILs mail - SIL also gave the BF a key so he could “keep a eye on things” (he did live nearby).

The BF also decided to take it on himself to “help” clear the house and destroyed a piece of furniture as “it needed breaking up so he could take it to the tip” - some items also disappeared. It has damaged the relationship between DH and his sister.

BogRollBOGOF · 01/09/2023 09:05

MuggleMe · 31/08/2023 23:23

I think that's a sensible boundary.

The real issue is that you barely know him, have bad vibes about the relationship and he's not backing off and giving appropriate space at a sensitive time.

RicherThanYews · 01/09/2023 09:29

I'm sorry for your loss op. When my Pops died I was responsible for everything, right down to clearing out his house. My cousins and uncle volunteered to help me but they just went through the rooms taking what they wanted and they were very annoyed when I finally said no. YANBU.

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