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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't think I am being unreasonable but if I am...This is just my Dad and how he sees 'me' I think?

41 replies

Mendingslowly · 30/08/2023 20:38

Just a bit of background, me and my Dad have a tempestuous relationship. I just want us to get along as adults now and for the most part we do, but he has a bit of an agenda against me and things like this come up often.

My parents have a swimming pool, a small one designed for swimming against its current. They don't live far from me however I don't use their pool much and my Dad is often asking me why not and asking me to come and use it.

Not often, but quite regularly, they'll have people use it not to swim in but just to relax in. My younger sister (early twenties) and three of her friends were in it recently just splashing about having fun. My Dad opened the pool up when they had a neighbour gathering and some children wanted to go in it.

Last week at a family gathering my Dad said that he was going to open the pool for longer this weekend as my Mum's cousin was visiting. I said 'Oh, can me and DP use it?' Dad said;

'Well, I'm not letting her (DP) use it!' Giving me a quite nasty, indignant look.

I know the tone he uses when he's in a certain mood so I said 'Okay' hoping he'd leave it as other family members were around, and I didn't want a scene, he's an angry man.
He then said 'Well she just floats about with a beer in her hand! That's not what It's for!'

Me and DP have used the pool together once. I swam in it, she did indeed just relax in it. I kept stopping to relax with her and once I'd swam the distance I wanted to we both just chilled in it for a bit. She didn't have a beer in her hand IN the pool either, she had been offered a bottle, and when she went in the pool she left it on the side.

I said again 'Okay'. And he said 'Do you understand that?!' I said yes. He repeatedly asked if I understood? Twice.

My Sister then said something about when my other Sister and her friends had used it and we had a bit of a conversation about how much fun they had and how nice it was.

Then, Dad said 'Oh you know, she can use it. I don't want her to feel left out, I just don't like it being used for just messing about in'.

I am thinking this is just him being uppity. He has loved other people doing it to just relax in, despite that being 'not what It's for'.

I really don't like the thought of using something belonging to someone else unless I am very welcome to, and DP would be absolutely mortified if I was to tell her about this conversation too, so I don't really know what to do there if he ever mentions us using it again, which I believe he will. The first and only time he used it he was very pleased for us to be doing, seemed really happy about it! And that was over a year ago and he hasn't ever said he had a problem with how DP used it until this conversation happened.

OP posts:
Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 30/08/2023 20:44

Oh op I’m so sorry. Your dad sounds like he treats you terribly unfairly. I assume this is a long standing dynamic on your family? Does anyone else in the family notice it and/or defend you?

Personally I’d just reduce contact with him. When he asks why you can give him plenty of examples I’m sure. I’m not sure his behaviour will ever change if he has always been like this, so it’s about withdrawing and protecting yourself from it.

continentallentil · 30/08/2023 20:52

Your dad sounds like a dick and a bully, at least in this situation.

I understand you don’t want to row with him, but I’m not sure placating him when he is bitching about your partner is the answer either. Could you say ‘no Dad, I don’t understand what the problem is. But it’s you and Mum’s pool so it’s up to you.’

Bullies do tend to get worse if you don’t have clear lines.

He obviously doesn’t like your partner. He’s entitled to his opinion of course, but he should treat you with courtesy.

Original poster
Mendingslowly · 30/08/2023 21:31

Sorry-'The first and only time he used it ' should read WE used it of course.

On reflection I am thinking perhaps he thought better at what he said in case I told DP about it and that's why he backtracked. Not that I ever would have.

OP posts:
NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 30/08/2023 21:50

He sounds rude, and I don't think he is fond of your partner, is he always like this?

Original poster
Mendingslowly · 30/08/2023 22:14

@continentallentil that is indeed a much better thing for me to have said, but he would have raised his voice and really gone on a rant, guaranteed and I am also quite a proud person, if someone doesn't want me to use something for ANY reason whatsoever I'd never try to persuade them, ever.

He is a bit odd regarding DP. He says he likes her and is nice with her and seems to like our company as a couple, but then says the odd thing that makes me agree with you. Homophobia might play a small part or at least wishing I was with a man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mendingslowly · 31/08/2023 00:19

It is indeed a longstanding dynamic. Thank you @Embarrassednamechangeadoddle

It's only recently that I have been able to get people to see that it is only me he is like he is with-yes he is grouchy with others, but nowhere NEAR as bad as he is with me.

OP posts:
UnRavellingFast · 31/08/2023 00:31

He sounds horrific. From an outside perspective, either he has made you so accustomed to emotional abuse that you’re not fully seeing it, or his disgusting behaviour is a direct response to you having a female partner. I think if she were posting here, we’d all be telling her that her partner has to make a stand on her behalf. Also I think she does deserve to know because it’s horrible if she’s continuing to be pleasant without having any idea of what he’s saying about her. I sympathise with you because EA at every stage of my life made me a placater too and I didn’t see it either- till I did. Sending support to you but please woman up and stand up for yourself and your dp.

UnRavellingFast · 31/08/2023 00:33

Also I have realised after many futile years of misery and confusion that bullies can’t be reasoned with.

Original poster
Mendingslowly · 31/08/2023 07:08

Thank you @UnRavellingFast . I am seeing it more so recently. I just don't understand why he's like this.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 31/08/2023 07:13

Could it be that it's because your partner took a glass bottle of beer near the pool? If glass gets broken and in to the pool the whole thing has to be drained to clear any glass out of it?

Sparkletastic · 31/08/2023 07:16

His agenda against you seems mighty similar to homophobia.

Original poster
Mendingslowly · 31/08/2023 07:29

@Spirallingdownwards no, it wasn't near the pool, and was on a lower shelf so couldn't fall in even if it were. Sorry was unclear.

Maybe it is homophobia but I didnt come out to family for years and he's always been this way with me since I was a small child.

I don't know. Its definitely double standards. I am just not sure why he'd say this then backtrack a few minutes later.

OP posts:
TrishM80 · 31/08/2023 07:41

Honestly, when he said your partner couldn't use the pool, you should have told him to stick the pool up his arse and left!

RunningAwayToJoinTheCircus · 31/08/2023 07:50

If he mentions you using the pool again just say "no thank you"
No excuse or reason or explanation needed, just a polite "no thanks".
It's not like he can force you into the water.
There's nothing to be gained from trying to reason or argue with him from the sound of it, so just don't engage.

Doingmybest12 · 31/08/2023 07:55

Just don't use the pool, it's too complicated. I would distance myself from him, he sounds really unpleasant.

Testina · 31/08/2023 08:00

He sounds like a prick.
I would either keep my distance - don’t use the pool, but also don’t bother seeing him - or call him out on the prickery every time. Firmly, without losing your shit, “why are you saying she can’t use it?” / “you let other people not-swim in it” / “why are you singling me out for this?”

Personally I’d just cut him off.

Bivarb · 31/08/2023 08:04

He sounds like a controlling idiot. I would take a big step back from him. You should have stood up for your partner. It sounds like she hasn't done anything wrong at all. I'd be devastated if my partner let someone treat me like that.

If you do keep in contact make it clear you won't tolerate any more disrespect. I wouldn't use the pool again either. If my partner isn't welcome then neither am I.

LadyBird1973 · 31/08/2023 08:05

Have you ever talked to your mum about this?
Maybe it's homophobia to an extent but if he's always been like this with you, then maybe it's nothing to do with you as a person, at all. Just germ reading another thread about a father who hasn't bonded with his youngest child, although is fine with the older one.

Ultimately though it doesn't matter why he's like this, only that he is. Personally I'd cut my losses, tell him I was fed up of always being kicked by him and that I no longer wanted to be in contact.

ButterRoad · 31/08/2023 08:07

Doingmybest12 · 31/08/2023 07:55

Just don't use the pool, it's too complicated. I would distance myself from him, he sounds really unpleasant.

This.

Though I am intrigued by the against-current pool…

Original poster
Mendingslowly · 31/08/2023 13:39

@TrishM80 that made me laugh-you're right, I should!

@Testina yes I think if this comes up again and as I have said I think it will, I will say something like your suggestions.

@Bivarb I know. Sad I sort of freeze I think and just grey rock him, which is an improvement on how I used to be with him which caused arguments and I didn't want that, had I protested. I had a bit of a mind-blank regarding that he'd let others use it for recreation too, but luckily it got mentioned and I think that's what made him change his mind. I did 'sort of' stick up for her though-someone else there said 'She's very clean' (DP is very hygienic, some would say to the extreme and I know that's something he's very careful about with the pool) and I said 'oh yes she is definitely, more so than me!' and he said 'that's not the point!' (to be fair, it wasn't) then it went into talking about others using the pool, but I do really wish I'd have said something like 'that's quite mean when she's so nice and always wants to come and see you all and always helps you when you ask' (which is true, she's actually done some quite large favours for him/them). If/when it comes up, I most definitely will say something like that.

@LadyBird1973 I spoke to her about it this morning. I said that I felt it was very mean given all she'd done for them both, she hasn't ever done any harm to the pool or anything wrong to them at all and they've had some random kids from up the road in it ffs! And other friends they didn't know.

My Mum said she agreed and she'd get it into conversation somewhere and that she doesn't have any problem with us/her using the pool. I said that I'll only ever use anything belonging to someone else if I am welcome to and an 'Oh go on then!' isn't a welcome to, It's a 'Right okay, if you must'. I said DP would be really very upset if she knew about the conversation, she thinks everyone likes her and my Mum said that they did. I said it was his first instinct that we're not to go in it so I am taking it at face value. I also mentioned that the last coupel of times I've visited them alone he's been very grumpy and my Mum said 'Yes he has, I dont know what's wrong with him, he's always like that when you come over!'

So yes, he can 'stick the pool up his arse'. I would like if he was happy to see me and DP enjoying ourselves in it, in a generous way from him-that's the way I am with things I'm nowhere near well off enough to have a pool but other things

But he's not, so stuff him.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 31/08/2023 15:02

Your mum has to tackle this with him. It's not enough to just agree with you and passively accept it. I'd never allow my husband to be like this with my kids (not that he would) and just let it pass.

Original poster
Mendingslowly · 31/08/2023 17:54

I think she will speak to him about it. She says she'll find an opportunity to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mendingslowly · 31/08/2023 19:33

@ButterRoad sorry, notification only just came through. I think It's an 'endless pool' or a similar thing anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mendingslowly · 31/08/2023 19:38

UnRavellingFast · 31/08/2023 00:31

He sounds horrific. From an outside perspective, either he has made you so accustomed to emotional abuse that you’re not fully seeing it, or his disgusting behaviour is a direct response to you having a female partner. I think if she were posting here, we’d all be telling her that her partner has to make a stand on her behalf. Also I think she does deserve to know because it’s horrible if she’s continuing to be pleasant without having any idea of what he’s saying about her. I sympathise with you because EA at every stage of my life made me a placater too and I didn’t see it either- till I did. Sending support to you but please woman up and stand up for yourself and your dp.

@UnRavellingFast thank you, that makes a lot of sense-I have got much better at seeing this sort of thing, may not seem like it but I spent years trying to get his approval and I no longer do that.

I agree regarding DP. She's very sweet in her ways of wanting to help e.g. If my Mum rings saying she's doing something requiring lifting for example, which she does often due to their business DP is always straight away 'Let's go help her' and she's the first to say 'let's go see your Mum and Dad' she likes them and believes she's accepted, which is really the main reason I began this thread when I think about it. It's just so mean.

OP posts:
UnRavellingFast · 31/08/2023 23:04

It is more than mean. It’s vile. Can you just see your mum and avoid your dad? If he asks tell everyone to report to him that MendingSlowly will no longer see him because she does not accept being treated badly and has come to see that’s been the case all her life. I don’t think you’ll ever reason out why he’s like this- which is so sad for you because we need answers to issues like this. He’s an unfair bully and there’s no reasoning with that.