I really don't think I am being unreasonable but if I am...This is just my Dad and how he sees 'me' I think?

[Mendingslowly]

Just a bit of background, me and my Dad have a tempestuous relationship. I just want us to get along as adults now and for the most part we do, but he has a bit of an agenda against me and things like this come up often.

My parents have a swimming pool, a small one designed for swimming against its current. They don't live far from me however I don't use their pool much and my Dad is often asking me why not and asking me to come and use it.

Not often, but quite regularly, they'll have people use it not to swim in but just to relax in. My younger sister (early twenties) and three of her friends were in it recently just splashing about having fun. My Dad opened the pool up when they had a neighbour gathering and some children wanted to go in it.

Last week at a family gathering my Dad said that he was going to open the pool for longer this weekend as my Mum's cousin was visiting. I said 'Oh, can me and DP use it?' Dad said;

'Well, I'm not letting her (DP) use it!' Giving me a quite nasty, indignant look.

I know the tone he uses when he's in a certain mood so I said 'Okay' hoping he'd leave it as other family members were around, and I didn't want a scene, he's an angry man.
He then said 'Well she just floats about with a beer in her hand! That's not what It's for!'

Me and DP have used the pool together once. I swam in it, she did indeed just relax in it. I kept stopping to relax with her and once I'd swam the distance I wanted to we both just chilled in it for a bit. She didn't have a beer in her hand IN the pool either, she had been offered a bottle, and when she went in the pool she left it on the side.

I said again 'Okay'. And he said 'Do you understand that?!' I said yes. He repeatedly asked if I understood? Twice.

My Sister then said something about when my other Sister and her friends had used it and we had a bit of a conversation about how much fun they had and how nice it was.

Then, Dad said 'Oh you know, she can use it. I don't want her to feel left out, I just don't like it being used for just messing about in'.

I am thinking this is just him being uppity. He has loved other people doing it to just relax in, despite that being 'not what It's for'.

I really don't like the thought of using something belonging to someone else unless I am very welcome to, and DP would be absolutely mortified if I was to tell her about this conversation too, so I don't really know what to do there if he ever mentions us using it again, which I believe he will. The first and only time he used it he was very pleased for us to be doing, seemed really happy about it! And that was over a year ago and he hasn't ever said he had a problem with how DP used it until this conversation happened.

Thank you @UnRavellingFast . I went NC with him for almost a year (Mum just visited me at home) a couple of years ago but I relented because it was upsetting my Mum so much. It was over a much worse incident than this though (him threatening to hit me basically at a large family gathering-I hadn't done anything wrong at all)!

Oh this is a great get out, every time he asks if you want to use the pool

ih no thanks dad, I think we’d just want to chill out really and it’s the sort of pool to be swimming in and that not what you want happening

@UnRavellingFast do you think?

@MikeRafone that is a good thing to say BUT It's not true!That's what's got my back up about the whole thing-that is not what he really thinks, obviously because of other people using it just to have fun in-he's fine with that, It's obviously just something about me

My Dad isn’t this bad but occasionally says things that need challenging. If he says anything to, or about, one sibling whilst the others are there he gets it both barrels from all of us (including my mum). There’s no way he gets away with it.

What did your sister say to all this? I’m not blaming her as it’s your Dad but seems to be a whole family dynamic here.

Your dad sounds very much like mine. It took me years to realise that he was orchestrating arguments with me as a way to control me.

I doubt the rest of my family even realise some of the things he has said to me over the years. I used to consider a visit a success if I didn't cry.

I don't rise to the bait anymore. But I've also distanced myself hugely.

I don't think this was about your partner. I think he was baiting you. Your last update suggests your NC had an impact and the way you handled it was perfect.

Personally I'd stop seeing him - he's toxic. You've had years of this and your mum hasn't put a stop to it either. That you went nc for a year means she knows there's a real problem and she hasn't protected you from his relentless bullying.
I think distance from the pair of them (but definitely him) is the answer. It's not your fault, or your dp's and nothing you do is going to change how he is.

My Sister hasn't said anything at all about it. There is a dynamic. I think sometimes I am the only one who can see that it isn't right!

I am like that @Turangawaewae -definitely changed a lot and don't rise to anything hence the one word answers to his repeated 'Do you understand?!' s.

You're right, I don't think it is about her personally, although I do think he resents my homosexuality. Thank you. I am not sure how he felt when I was NC, other than trying his best to get people to think the whole thing was my fault.

@Mendingslowly I didn't mean to doubt your instincts - I think you should trust them!

One technique I use when I'm being baited is the 'baffled head tilt'. If my father says something mean, I look confused and tilt my head to one side. It's very effective. And satisfying.

What jumps out at me is you seem to have a very hierarchical view of the people around you. Was there a very obvious "pecking order" when you were little? You seem to think your DF has the power to treat you like this and you just let him because you think that gives you the easier life, while you worry about your DP hearing what he's said, perhaps because you know she has the power to react (something you're not allowing yourself to do which is why I'm wondering if he was very overbearing when you were a child). You're assigning more power (and a higher spot in the hierarchy) to everyone involved except you. Why are you at the bottom?

I think you need to just walk away from him if he talks down to you when you're together. When he starts with "do you understand? do you understand?" he's trying to reinforce that hierarchy that put him above you by putting you down. In that sort of situation I'd just say nothing and walk off into the kitchen to make a drink/answer your phone etc. Read the ketchup label if you need to. People like this feed off the attention and gratification they get from their behaviour. They tend to get louder if you don't play along in their little control drama and they raise you to worry about what everyone else thinks of you which is how they keep you doing what they want you to do.

There are lots of quick fixes and one liners for dealing with people like this (and I totally disagree with Testina's "comebacks" you'll just start an argument if he's the sort of person who says something shitty then asks a grown adult "do you understand" over and over, and the argument would just feed his ego and give him something to take up and down the family to tell them how terrible you are), but I think ultimately the only way to take back control over your life is to tell your DP the truth and then have as little to do with your DF as possible because he sees you as beneath him and always will.

You sound really kind, your partner too, your Dad is a bully!

There’s no way I’d use that pool ever again without a heartfelt apology which I fear will never be forthcoming. My first instinct with your post was homophobia too, sorry you’re having to deal with this. 💐

@SisterMichaelsHabit “and I totally disagree with Testina's "comebacks" you'll just start an argument”

Obviously you’re entitled to disagree 😀
But I will point out that my actual stated opinion was that she should cut him off - much the same as yours. But if she won’t, then yeah - I’d rather have the argument than meekly stare at a ketchup bottle. Soul destroying. Far rather to just not have arseholery like this in your life.

"someone else there said 'She's very clean' (DP is very hygienic, some would say to the extreme and I know that's something he's very careful about with the pool) and I said 'oh yes she is definitely, more so than me!' and he said 'that's not the point!' (to be fair, it wasn't) then it went"
God that's an comment ....how did he handle kids in the pool, he does know they may have weed in it doesn't he?

Do the others stand up to him? Maybe he's always sensed your the fighter

Are you a same sex couple? Is he homophobic?

I am loving the 'baffled head tilt' technique! I am almost wanting something to occur that means I can try it! 😂

@SisterMichaelsHabit I always have had and in the last few years I have done my absolute best to change it. I remember a discussion with my Mum, who seems to have been sort of indoctrinated to follow it too-I can't remember the exact circumstnances but we were discussing his treatment of me regarding something to do with my Sister and she said 'Well it was important for your Sister to....' and I said 'You do know I'm a person as well?' She didn't know what to say to it other than 'ah, hmm..' noises.

I was calm when he said do you understand. I wasn't lying-I DID understand. Understood that he was just loving that I'd asked him for something and he had liberty to say no for reasons that weren't valid. I wish my mind hadn't have gone so blank, or I may have said, 'hang on, you let other people use it to just relax' or whatever. I just said 'yes' repeatedly to his repeated questioning, he obviously wanted an argument and he wasn't getting one (yes is a complete sentence too).

He was very overbearing with me as a child. I dont want to give him more ammunition with responses, I think he says (as you say)things to get a reaction and he won't get one from me nowadays.

When he said what he said, he sounded and looked so.. What's the word, like he absolutely really enjoyed saying it? Like he really thought some sort of 'thing' would happen. I do think I disappointed him by just calmly responding and not talking about it any further with him-and then the conversation turned to the comments about my DP being very clean, and other people using it.

I have only seen him once since and didn't really speak to him. Had a coffee in the garden with my Mum and he came out briefly, said a few little bits and then left.

As for telling DP, I dont want to hurt her.

@Billybagpuss I really don't want to use it either. And if we both did go in it I'd not feel happy-more so that I'd now 'owe him something' if that makes sense.

He doesn't like that I am gay. I didnt come out for a long time because I didn't feel it'd be well received and whereas it wasn't as badly received on the surface as I'd worried about, this sort of thing illustrates that he isn't happy about it or with me in general.

@jannier I am not going to lie, that has DEFINITELY crossed my mind too! i hope they did 😂And he'd no idea where they'd been!Everyone else always showers before going in it!