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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower saga

49 replies

Covermeinsun · 30/08/2023 19:17

I have 2 children both primary age. My mum made it quite clear during my pregnancies that she doesn’t believe in baby showers because they're too American and a bit cheesy and grabby. Ok fair enough. I would have quite liked one but didn’t ask for one to be organised or organise one myself due to this. My sisters made no suggestion to help organise one- again fair enough.

I have 2 sisters, one older one younger. Sister 1 had a baby not long after my second was born. She made some noises about a baby shower but nothing came of it.

ff to now. Sister 1 and sister 2 are both pregnant. Sister 2 is pregnant with her first after a recent IVF journey following chemo 2 years ago . My mum wants me to help organise a surprise joint baby Shower for both sisters.

Im trying to figure out my feelings here. I can appreciate sister 2s journey to get pregnant has been way more difficult than mine although not sister 1s. I would have really liked a baby shower but my mum made it clear she disapproved of them. I’m not sure why she’s suddenly fine with them although assume it’s because she wants sister 2 to have the best pregnancy experience she can. I do appreciate I could have organised my own shower if I really wanted one as could my sisters if they want one. I suppose I’m just a bit gutted that Im expected to organise a surprise shower for both my sisters when I didn’t have one organised for me and would have really loved one. AIBU to feel a bit unhappy about this or am I just being a brat considering sister 2s journey? All perspectives appreciated.

OP posts:
potoftea · 30/08/2023 19:25

I can understand you feeling hurt. Its not a massive deal, but it still is unfair that you were treated differently.
I think its fine to say to your mother that you won't be involved in planning the party, as you are disappointed that no one did one for you.

amiold · 30/08/2023 19:31

OP I'd be pissed off.

I'm pregnant and ummed and ahhed about having one. Mainly because I think they're a bit of a farce although I've always gone to others.

I mentioned to my "best" friend that my boyfriend had asked when my pregnant party was and I laughed that he thought it was called that. She laughed and said it's a better name for them because they're a shower of shite. I was like yeah you're right.

Anyways I decided I would have one but no gifts. More of a get together. Everyone's paying for their own food and I'm going to do party bags (a small bottle of wine, individual biscuit, popcorn, sweets) and then cake and donuts. I sent out the message and only had a couple who couldn't make it (genuine reasons) and this "best" friend said she couldn't make it as was her sons birthday (she isn't doing anything) but then said she would maybe come for an hour so she didn't have to order food.... I organised her shower of shite, made the collection money up, bought all the games and even ended up paying an extra £20 towards (on top of my own £20? For food. Lesson learnt, some people are only interested if it's for them.

So yeah I know how you feel and I'd be pissed off too!

(Also wait to get roasted by MN because baby showers are hated here)

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 30/08/2023 19:40

I think your Mum is allowed to change her mind. With dds1 and 2 I disapproved of trick and treating. With dd3 I took her.
You don't have to help!

minou123 · 30/08/2023 19:54

This is a difficult. To be honest I can see all sides.
I'm sitting on the fence, I've got splinters in my arse. 😁

I presume if Sister 2 had chemo, she had cancer, is that right?
If so, I can see why your mum is perhaps is wanting to have a baby shower for her.

But I can see why you're unhappy, because your pregnancy as special as well.

I think what it boils down to is we all have this ideal that our parents should treat us and our siblings fairly.
I think due to your sister 2 circumstances, your mum has changed her mind. The problem is, she can't go back and give you the baby shower you wanted.

Maybe, it might be easier to change your mindset.
Instead of "my mum didn't do this for me"
Change it to "I missed out on a baby shower and its made me a bit sad but I'm going to make sure my sisters wont feel the same way because I am going to make theirs special"
Would that help?

Original poster
Covermeinsun · 30/08/2023 20:07

minou123 · 30/08/2023 19:54

This is a difficult. To be honest I can see all sides.
I'm sitting on the fence, I've got splinters in my arse. 😁

I presume if Sister 2 had chemo, she had cancer, is that right?
If so, I can see why your mum is perhaps is wanting to have a baby shower for her.

But I can see why you're unhappy, because your pregnancy as special as well.

I think what it boils down to is we all have this ideal that our parents should treat us and our siblings fairly.
I think due to your sister 2 circumstances, your mum has changed her mind. The problem is, she can't go back and give you the baby shower you wanted.

Maybe, it might be easier to change your mindset.
Instead of "my mum didn't do this for me"
Change it to "I missed out on a baby shower and its made me a bit sad but I'm going to make sure my sisters wont feel the same way because I am going to make theirs special"
Would that help?

Edited

yes, sister 2 has had cancer and has had a really rough time with chemo and surgery. Which is why I do think Im being a brat for having these feelings

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 30/08/2023 20:13

I would explain what you said here. That she didn’t agree with them didn’t do anything for you so sorry you won’t be helping or attending

FullFatPhil · 30/08/2023 20:14

Ah, your mum will have been so worried. Sometimes it's the kick up the arse life gives you to see that these silly (and yes, tacky and grabby) events can be fun and she just wants to celebrate.

Imagine if she'd organised it without including you! Surprise your sisters with her.

pinksquash13 · 30/08/2023 20:15

I'd feel pretty disappointed by that. I think it's crappy of your mum to change her mind about it. I totally get while you feel upset. I do think maybe baby showers continue to become more socially acceptable so perhaps that's why. I also get while she'd want to make a fuss of your sister. Is this a pattern of preferential treatment to your sisters? If not, I think I'd rise above and help out (although make mum fund it beyond a normal contribution from you). I think if you refuse or say something, you'll feel shit and possibly come out looking like the unreasonable one.

MyEyesMyThighs · 30/08/2023 20:21

Maybe it's as simple as when your mum said she didn't like them, sister 2 spoke up and said she would like one. It isn't normal to go without some thing because your mum doesn't like them, so people must have thought you'd agreed with her.

It's not a slight, it's a communication issue.

lemonyaid · 30/08/2023 20:32

Maybe say you don't want to as you're superstitious

TizerorFizz · 30/08/2023 20:38

They worry me! Celebrating before baby is born. What if (….. ) ? Fill in the blanks. Celebrate after baby is born. Much nicer in my view.

saraclara · 30/08/2023 20:40

Sometimes it's the kick up the arse life gives you to see that these silly (and yes, tacky and grabby) events can be fun and she just wants to celebrate.

That. I've changed my mind about a lot of things since I lost my husband. I value fun, warmth, celebration of life and love in whatever form it takes now. Any snobbishness about tacky stuff is long gone.

But as a pp said, sadly your mum has realised this too late for you. I understand your feelings of hurt, but I also understand how fear and anxiety (and hopefully relief) has changed a lot for your mum. And obviously she can't just do a shower for the cancer DD when her sister is pregnant at the same time.

Prescottdanni123 · 30/08/2023 20:44

Opinions on these types of events changed. Maybe she has realised that baby showers have become the norm now and she has decided to give on a go?

Do you have the kind of relationship with your mum where you could tell her that you are hurt by this?

Did you truly vocalise how much you wanted a baby shower to her in the first place? Maybe Sister 2 pushed harder for this to happen.

If you usually have a good relationship with your mum, I'd probably get involved with the planning and live vicariously through my sisters for the duration of the event. Refusing to help may well just make you look petty.

CherryMaDeara · 30/08/2023 20:48

I’d just say you’re too busy to help.p but you’ll block out the day to attend.

Don’t say why.

Your sisters will still get a baby shower.

Original poster
Covermeinsun · 30/08/2023 20:50

Really appreciating all the opinions. I’m not convinced my mums opinions on baby showers has changed but rather think that she is desperate to give sister 2 an amazing pregnancy. And like a pp has said, can’t exactly leave sister 1 out. Sister 1 hasn’t been more vocal than me about baby showers, my mum is aware we would have liked one in the past but shut us down quite quickly if the conversation ever went in that area.

I do agree that I’ll look a cow if I say no I won’t help when sister 2 has been through a lot. I just do wish the same could have been organised for me!

I know people are saying that opinions change and I do get that but I think that what I do or don’t do for one of my children would then be the same for the other in most occasions. I don’t think I’d take one trick or treating and not the other as a pp has mentioned because I would worry about jealousy and resentment. It’s a tricky one

OP posts:
TowerRaven7 · 30/08/2023 20:51

She probably just changed her mind. I’d ‘help’ but make it ‘limited’ help; you have a great excuse because you have young children too.

SprogTakesAQuarry · 30/08/2023 20:56

It’s really understandable to feel this way. But I think the experience of watching your child go through cancer treatment followed by fertility treatment must be really tough. In your shoes, I would moan to my OH, or MN but then I hope i could enjoy organising the shower alongside mum.

NatMacFeegle · 30/08/2023 20:56

CherryMaDeara · 30/08/2023 20:48

I’d just say you’re too busy to help.p but you’ll block out the day to attend.

Don’t say why.

Your sisters will still get a baby shower.

I'd probably do this too, is your mum the type who.asks you to help, but wants you to do everything and take the praise?

minou123 · 30/08/2023 21:06

Covermeinsun · 30/08/2023 20:50

Really appreciating all the opinions. I’m not convinced my mums opinions on baby showers has changed but rather think that she is desperate to give sister 2 an amazing pregnancy. And like a pp has said, can’t exactly leave sister 1 out. Sister 1 hasn’t been more vocal than me about baby showers, my mum is aware we would have liked one in the past but shut us down quite quickly if the conversation ever went in that area.

I do agree that I’ll look a cow if I say no I won’t help when sister 2 has been through a lot. I just do wish the same could have been organised for me!

I know people are saying that opinions change and I do get that but I think that what I do or don’t do for one of my children would then be the same for the other in most occasions. I don’t think I’d take one trick or treating and not the other as a pp has mentioned because I would worry about jealousy and resentment. It’s a tricky one

I dont think your a brat or are wrong fur how yiu feel.

I think you are right that she is desperate to give sister 2 an amazing pregnancy
This might sound harsh, buit if you think about it, if Sister 2 wasn't pregnant, and only Sister 1 was pregnant, would your mum be organising a baby shower?
Probably not.

So, in a weird way, its not really about you or sister 1, if you see what I mean..

I would turn to the positives of this. You get to throw a baby shower fur your sisters.

Plus you get to have a drink and they can't 😁

StBernie · 30/08/2023 21:09

I wouldn’t focus too much on the fact that it’s a baby shower. It’s more about having an event to spread joy after everything your sister has gone through. It could have been any kind of event really.

MannekenP · 30/08/2023 21:13

NatMacFeegle · 30/08/2023 20:56

I'd probably do this too, is your mum the type who.asks you to help, but wants you to do everything and take the praise?

Show quote history

This OP, YANBU at all.
Why can't your mother organise it herself? Why does it have to be 'joint'?
She probably knows she was wrong but doesn't want to admit it.
Just say you're busy and will attend, but as you've never had one anyway because she thought it was tack you'd have no idea what to do!

Btw of course having cancer is terrible, but I don't see why a baby shower adds to the 'pregnancy experience'. And, if I'm honest, I'm more than a wee bit superstitious about celebrating something before the baby's safely here.

You are an adult. You don't have to do as your mother tells you to anymore.

girlfriend44 · 30/08/2023 21:13

TizerorFizz · 30/08/2023 20:38

They worry me! Celebrating before baby is born. What if (….. ) ? Fill in the blanks. Celebrate after baby is born. Much nicer in my view.

This.

EL8888 · 30/08/2023 21:14

Is your mum always a hypocrite? I wouldn’t get involved. I hate baby showers especially with the back story of how she was about them

Original poster
Covermeinsun · 30/08/2023 21:15

It hasn’t actually occurred to me that my mum could organise it alone! She wouldn’t take all the praise but she would fully expect my involvement because she would claim she has no idea what to do and how to go about it.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 30/08/2023 21:18

But you could claim the same, seeing as you didn’t have one.

If she really acts like she has no clue, suggest she books afternoon tea as a baby shower.

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