Baby shower saga

[Covermeinsun]

I have 2 children both primary age. My mum made it quite clear during my pregnancies that she doesn’t believe in baby showers because they're too American and a bit cheesy and grabby. Ok fair enough. I would have quite liked one but didn’t ask for one to be organised or organise one myself due to this. My sisters made no suggestion to help organise one- again fair enough.

I have 2 sisters, one older one younger. Sister 1 had a baby not long after my second was born. She made some noises about a baby shower but nothing came of it.

ff to now. Sister 1 and sister 2 are both pregnant. Sister 2 is pregnant with her first after a recent IVF journey following chemo 2 years ago . My mum wants me to help organise a surprise joint baby Shower for both sisters.

Im trying to figure out my feelings here. I can appreciate sister 2s journey to get pregnant has been way more difficult than mine although not sister 1s. I would have really liked a baby shower but my mum made it clear she disapproved of them. I’m not sure why she’s suddenly fine with them although assume it’s because she wants sister 2 to have the best pregnancy experience she can. I do appreciate I could have organised my own shower if I really wanted one as could my sisters if they want one. I suppose I’m just a bit gutted that Im expected to organise a surprise shower for both my sisters when I didn’t have one organised for me and would have really loved one. AIBU to feel a bit unhappy about this or am I just being a brat considering sister 2s journey? All perspectives appreciated.

Neither do you. You never had a shower either,
Just point that out to her.
Does your sister even WANT a shower anyway? Given her past medical issues I'd imagine she'd be more anxious than most. Not to cast a shadow but maybe, your mum's trying to make a show of something that she might not even want as she seems quite overbearing.

I understand feeling a bit resentful, it’s a shame that you missed out. But baby showers are more common now than they were even 5+ years ago and your mum’s feelings on them might have changed.

Given your sister’s recent battle with cancer, I’d put aside any thoughts of fairness and give her the best baby shower you can. See it as a celebration that she’s still here and able to have her baby .

Ah, your mum will have been so worried. Sometimes it's the kick up the arse life gives you to see that these silly (and yes, tacky and grabby) events can be fun and she just wants to celebrate.

This. It sounds liike your younger sister has had a terrible time.

However, that doesn't make it less hurtful to you, but I can see under the circumstances why your mother may have changed the way she feels about 'frivolous' events etc.

I think you ned to acknowledge you are upset about it, that's it ok to feel that way, that you aren't a cow etc. and then just try and get on with it... unless you are prepared to face the consequences of not helping... which I don't think would make you feel better in any case.

I'm sorry for your loss.
Personally I'm up for any and all celebrations, tacky, whatever bring it on. But I draw the line at 'grabby'.
The word shower literally refers to a 'shower' of gifts and that's what puts many people off. Especially in current times when so many are struggling.
Surely if warmth and celebration is what you care about then you'd be happy to specify 'no gifts'.

“I’m not convinced my mums opinions on baby showers has changed but rather think that she is desperate to give sister 2 an amazing pregnancy.”

So this is your answer then! Your mum still thinks they’re tacky and grabby (because they just are) but she’s doing it because she was scared shitless that she may have lost her to cancer and now wants to make the most of her time, even if that means doing something naff. It just so happens the other sister benefits because of being pregnant at the same time.

This is not about you, or even the babies, even if it feels unfair. It’s about the cancer. Try to keep that in mind and stop being bitter about a ship that has sailed. Your sister’s health and life is more important than some tacky party.

Could you explain to your mum that although you’re assuming she’s doing this because of your sister’s journey to pregnancy that the inequality is still a bit hurtful to you and that whilst you’re happy to help her you would prefer it if she organised it herself? You could make the point (remind her gently) that you know no more than she does about organising one as you didn’t have one (she denied you that opportunity) but that you’re sure the internet will be very supportive.

My mum had the same thoughts and made it clear she didn’t like them. I had a friend get pregnant and had 3 different baby showers…..I was a bit jealous that no one seemed to want to help celebrate my baby with a bit of tea and cake / one last get together with friends for a while.

My sister had a baby shower thrown by her MIL 2 years later ( not our mum) and I was still a bit upset. If my mum has thrown a ban in shower I would have been fuming. I think your feelings are valid and she’s being shit.

I think you need to say you are a bit hurt as you did get a baby shower due to her opinion on them but now she’s holding a joint one for your sisters. Regardless if she’s had cancer or not it’s still rubbish.

I think you have to suck it up and do it for your sister who has had a horrible time. Your mum would have suffered so much as well. Experiences like that change people, and that's not a bad thing.

I don't think someone is a hypocrite because they changed their mind when circumstances changed. We're not morally obligated to stick to views we once held.

I find the double baby shower thing weird though. Will guests feel obligated to buy both sisters a gift? What if I'm a co-worker of sister 1 and have never met sister 2?

Joining them into one event and expecting double presents makes it more grabby IMO.

Could you suggest to your mum that you help her throw a family party to celebrate, but specify no gifts? Then there is still a party and some fuss but it won't be 'grabby' which was your mothers issue with you having one.

And I would be honest with your mum that you're having mixed feelings about her request because you would have loved a baby shower and no one threw you one.

Also OP bear in mind that not everybody may want to attend a shower. Unless this is just for relatives and/or you're close to your siblings' friends how are you supposed to do this as a 'surprise'? Who's going to pay for it?

If you do end up getting roped into organising 'something' as your mum claims to have no idea she can't tell you what to do. Suggest a non-surprise get-together, just book a venue (make sure she foots the bill ) and your sisters invite their own friends. A couple of games takes 5 mins to Google, done.

Otherwise you may get people dropping out left right and centre. Personally I think organising is easy it's managing the guests that's hard. Out of the last 5 'things' I've organised many people have dropped out.

Just tell your mum you don’t have the time to organise it but you’ll be there otherwise you’ll do all the work, she’ll take all the credit and you’ll feel even more losses off

Did your sisters know you would have liked a shower? If they did, is there a reason they didn't throw you one?

I'd day "sorry busy. They're tacky and grabby - but you have fun"

Really good points raised. I have been to baby showers whereas my mum hasn’t so she’d probably claim that’s why I know more. I do know who most of my sisters friends are and could contact them on my Facebook which my mum couldn’t do as she doesn’t have social media.

good point re the 2 gifts. I suppose sister 1s friends would get her A gift and sister 2s would get her a gift. Although any relatives that come might feel it’s ridiculous to have to pay for a gift for each.

I definitely won’t be footing the bill or even contributing as I’m skint and so that would be on my mum. Afternoon tea is a possibility but then guests would have to pay for themselves and a gift which seems a bit much.

my sisters did know I think but mum was so vocal that we didn’t really talk about organising one. If friends had showers she would talk about how ridiculous they were. I’m pretty sure sister 2 would love a baby shower

If sister 2 wasn’t pregnant, sister 1 would not be getting the baby shower for sure. It’s only because of sister 2

Perhaps limit your contribution to contacting the guests - get their phone numbers, then leave it up to mum to organise? That way you can 'help' but not do the bulk of the work.

I also don't see how you can do anything else, surely if were to contact venues etc you'd also be the one managing the finances and you can't afford to do that.

I think gifts in a combined baby shower is a bad idea. There might be some animosity if one sister gets 'better' gifts than the other. How are you even going to know whose gifts are whose? Everyone paying for the party and 'no gifts' IMO is a better idea. Or specify a budget limit, maybe a collection.

If your mums' never been to a baby shower she's not going to know any different is she? If she has even an inkling of how it 'should' be then she can organise all of it herself.

To be honest booking and organising is easy. It's managing the guests that's the hard part. You don't want to be doing that just because you're the one with social media. If anything goes wrong it will be blamed on you.

Not a fan of baby showers...but this attitude makes no sense. Do you really think having a baby shower can change the outcome of a pregnancy? If someone has a baby shower and then the worst happens it can hardly make things worse to have had one. At least they will have some happy pregnancy memories.
Also Most people don't tend to host parties for all their friends shortly after giving birth so if you're going to do it it will probably have to be before hand.

hmm no gifts would definitely be a good way to go. Sister 2 has more friends than sister 1 so it would actually be a nightmare.

If your mum is generally fair and she's changed her mind about baby showers due to what your sister's been through, then I think you should participate although it's annoying.

I do think there's a bigger issue that your mum sounds very controlling and dominant if her opinion affects you so much. If my mum had taken that view I would have either just done what I wanted and not involved her, or I would have talked to her and explained my views. I wouldn't just forgo a party I was keen to hold.

If you're talking 'traditional' baby shower then people will have brought loads of gifts. It's very painful to have to get rid of if something happens. I had 2 stillborn siblings and having to get rid of even the bare minimum that my parents had bought was heart-breaking. I can't imagine having to do it for mountains of stuff. Especially stuff accompanied by cheery well-wish messages. Photos etc are all also a reminder.

In my culture (Indian) it's considered bad luck to celebrate before the baby's born for this reason. We have a massive celebration a month after (full moon), naming ceremony etc and that's when people bring gifts etc if they want to.

It's up to people's own perspective, but I think a party should be OK. It's easy to get rid of photos if you don't want to see them. Just delete. Stuff, not so easy. In any case a party here is not really to celebrate 'the pregnancy' as such it's because people tend to be super busy and not have time to do much post-baby, especially with no family support and little money on mat leave. So it's sort of a last 'pre-baby' hurrah before you've got little time for fun.

I actually agree with your DMs views on baby showers, but that said, I also had my kids after chemo and IVF and it is different. If someone in that situation wanted to, it's probably the only time I would attend one! Bit awkward your Mum organizing it for one pregnant daughter/sister, but not the other when both are pregnant.

I'm not a fan of baby showers, mainly because of the 'what if' factor mentioned previously. Perhaps suggest a celebration for all the family after the births? Thus avoiding all the family politics, expense, and faff of organising one. Maybe you, your sisters and Mum could go on a pamper day together instead?

I’d tell mum that I would help, but I would tell her that it made me sad that she was treating my sisters’ pregnancies so very different to mine, and that I’d have quite liked a shower (for the social occasion of getting together, I don’t think many people do it for the free stuff). I’d need her to know my feelings, especially as she was so vocal in shutting a shower down during my pregnancy, but I’d acknowledge why she felt compelled to do so for sister #2.

Just re: the gifts

It's a complicating factor that Sister 1 is having a second baby, whereas Sister 2 is having her first.

In my neck of the woods we would usually give more generously for the first baby, and then give something smaller for the second because all the big ticket items have already been purchased.

My friend just had a second. For her first I bought her a £100 baby thermometer from her registry. For her second I just bought her a baby outfit- as far as I know the thermometer was still working!

If relatives are expected to be buying for both- I'd feel awkward spending less on one sister, but I'd equally feel annoyed at having to spend that much on someone who has already received big ticket baby gifts from me and is already set up with the essentials.

I can see where you are coming from but cancer treatment or cancer scare changes perspective. Your mum probably still doesn’t like them but is grateful her daughter is a. Still here and b. Had successful ivf treatment. It’s not that she loves you any less. I would organise it but maybe say to your mum it’ll be more of an afternoon tea and not one with all the big balloons/ tack/ games. All go and enjoy yourselves as a family. Presumably as you had children first your mum has had all that time as a grandparent with your children and probably won’t do as much with your sisters kids as she’s already got grandkids/being older.
ive a friend who’s parent did couple days a week childcare for her older siblings kids but by time she had kids , her parents didn’t have any free days left and she had to pay for childcare! It can’t all be equal