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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell a colleague to keep their opinions to themselves?

56 replies

aborge · 30/08/2023 18:41

I work in a highly regulated profession. One where the regulator has the power to strike off professionals for a very wide array of matters.

I met my husband when I was training and he was my supervisor. Completely above the water and no advantage taken whatsoever.

At a training event, a colleague stated that it should be a sackable offence for an older man to date a younger naive woman in work. If a person (usually a man) is found guilty of cheating, he should be struck off. Blah blah blah. Men always take advantage of younger women. Their poor unknowing wives.

AIBU to tell her to keep her opinions to herself?

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 30/08/2023 18:54

It's a training event, hopefully you won't have to meet the person again. Yes there are men who abuse their position but it is not 100% always the case.

Orbitold · 30/08/2023 18:57

Did she know about your situation? If not yep maybe YABU - just counter with your own opinions. If so then no - YANBU

egowise · 30/08/2023 18:57

I agree, an older man in a place of power dating a younger colleague is gross.

OdeToBarney · 30/08/2023 19:04

I'm assuming you're a solicitor or similar.

IMO it is always inappropriate for a supervisor to have any kind of romantic involvement with a trainee or junior. If they are senior to you, but not your senior, I think it's different. There's an inherent power imbalance and these kind of relationships can and do go wrong (see the SRA investigation into the FBD partner).

However, YANBU to want your colleague to keep their opinions to themself. If your employers are OK with it, your regulator is OK with it and obviously you are OK with it, it's none of their business.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 30/08/2023 19:04

Why are you taking offence and how does it relate to your situation if it was all above board?

Were you a naive young woman? Or was there cheating? Or were you taken advantage off?

If not, I'm unsure how she struck a nerve?

I would agree with her on anyone taking advantage of a naive younger party with an unequal balance of power and when cheating- it is wrong and an indicator of very poor decision making.

purplecorkheart · 30/08/2023 19:08

Does she know your circumstances and saying it directly to you about your relationship?

Or is she saying it in general? Freedom of speech and entitled to an opinion?

Spirallingdownwards · 30/08/2023 19:08

Surely a reverse because no one would presume its ok to tell this colleague who spoke in public training event to keep their opinions to themselves.

If they had said anything inappropriate in such an event the trainer would have pulled them up.

C152 · 30/08/2023 19:12

Not sure why you're taking offence here? Were the comments directed at you, or was she just giving her opinions generally? If so, I agree with her about older men dating younger, naive women at work. The power imbalance means it's never really an equal relationship.

As for cheating, that's a bit crackpot, as who's going to police that?

Anyway, either join in the conversation or don't. No need to shut her down unless she was being rude to you or others.

Susieb2023 · 30/08/2023 19:14

She’s right although maybe not for the struck off bit.

Did she hit a nerve?

threecupsofteaminimum · 30/08/2023 21:23

Not sure I understand why this has upset you. You and your husband are happy, nothing underhand there, does it matter?

Dentaldrama · 30/08/2023 22:29

Did you start dating your husband when he was your supervisor?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/08/2023 22:35

Must be hard to find out that people feel that your relationship was inappropriate and your husband abused his position.

Wouldn't recommend going off at the deep end about it, though. That just confirms their opinion that it's weird, creepy and something you're insecure about. You'd know they pitied you for not seeing the abuse of power, too.

Best stay quiet. Avoids gossip.

WandaWonder · 30/08/2023 22:38

I would just say 'why? cant women think for themselves do they not have brains?'

Octosaurus · 30/08/2023 22:41

Are you just being touchy because deep down you know your husband was probably taking advantage of you and will probably take advantage of another younger model again when he tires of you?

DinnaeFashYersel · 30/08/2023 22:42

Older man and young woman in the workplace is a bad power dynamic - shouldn't happen. Including supervisors, line managers etc. very dodgy and inappropriate

Cheating - outside the workplace is none of works business.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 30/08/2023 22:44

Was it a generic opinion or one aimed specifically at you because she knows about your relationship?

If it’s just a generic comment then I kind of agree with her. If it was aimed specifically at you then it’s unnecessary.

slopsan · 30/08/2023 23:26

If you met him whilst you were training - fine
If you started a relationship whilst he was your supervisor- inappropriate and an abuse of power regardless of whether you were happy.

Natty13 · 31/08/2023 01:02

Sounds like she had a bad personal experience and that's why she has such strong opinions. Maybe she got with an older male colleague and he cheated - I read it assuming NHS ajd cheating is rife in nursing and medical professions. Any response from you is likely to provide an argument. Just avoid her, roll your eyes, look bored, walk away.

MinnieMountain · 31/08/2023 05:36

What’s your profession OP?

RoyKentFanclub · 31/08/2023 05:57

I’m assuming you’re solicitors. Neither you nor your husband will be struck off for your relationship. Your husband is only ever going to potentially have an SRA issue if you had brought a complaint against him regarding your relationship (for example for sexual harassment). The SRA don’t police general personal issues like this which don’t impact on honesty in terms of suitability to practise. They certainly don’t remove people’s livelihoods because they have had extra marital affairs (for a start there would be a significantly reduced number of solicitors in law firms up and down the country). Affairs are extremely common in law firm. It’s very common for junior lawyers to find more senior lawyers impressive and attractive.

personally I’d be annoyed about the implication that I as a woman am incapable of deciding whether to shag a married man. But I’m also intelligent enough to realise there is a distinction between a young worker in fear of losing her job being coerced into a sexual situation against her will and a young worker fancying and having a consensual relationship with an older colleague.

stuckdownahole · 31/08/2023 06:19

Without knowing the exact rules that apply, I presume that he was your supervisor and then at some point ceased to be your supervisor? i.e. you completed the statutory period of training?

If that's the case, how can anyone other than the two of you pinpoint the 'start date' of the romantic relationship? It would be nearly impossible to prove that it was anything other than professional while he was supervising you. I agree with the poster above who said that a regulatory body would not get involved unless a complaint was made by either party.

Aprilx · 31/08/2023 06:27

I don’t see why somebody can’t have an opinion on this and express it.

continentallentil · 31/08/2023 06:30

Unless the comments were particularly directed at you, YABU

It’s a training event when people are presumably talking about regulations, and she’s as entitled to her opinions as you are

THisbackwithavengeance · 31/08/2023 06:30

She's only saying what most mumsnetters believe!

That older married men should not cheat on their wives with young, junior members of staff.

Not seeing a problem with that really.
I wouldn't make it sackable though.

Surely if you're a solicitor, you're trained in arguing your corner as opposed to shutting her down?

VisionsOfSplendour · 31/08/2023 06:31

Do you usually expect people with different opinions to you to keep them quiet?

Unless the rules are that no one can express an opinion you ABVU

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