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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell a colleague to keep their opinions to themselves?

56 replies

aborge · 30/08/2023 18:41

I work in a highly regulated profession. One where the regulator has the power to strike off professionals for a very wide array of matters.

I met my husband when I was training and he was my supervisor. Completely above the water and no advantage taken whatsoever.

At a training event, a colleague stated that it should be a sackable offence for an older man to date a younger naive woman in work. If a person (usually a man) is found guilty of cheating, he should be struck off. Blah blah blah. Men always take advantage of younger women. Their poor unknowing wives.

AIBU to tell her to keep her opinions to herself?

OP posts:

Readingineading · 31/08/2023 06:41

Another point of view - my husband is 20 years older than me, been together 34 years . We met at work , he was not my supervisor or manager.
I have lost count of the times that people I barely know felt the need to comment on my relationship, like they honestly think that I need their input.

HectorSalamanca · 31/08/2023 06:41

Your colleague has the opinion that men in a position of authority should not date younger women in the workplace.

Your opinion is that it's fine to do this.

Why is your opinion so much more valid than hers, that you feel you have the right to tell her to shut up?

It's only her opinion. It doesn't mean she is right and you're wrong, but as you are so defensive about it, maybe you agree on some level, otherwise it would be like water off a ducks back.

TallerThanAverage · 31/08/2023 06:41

Rather than telling them to keep their opinions to themselves I would have said, do you know how I met my husband?

ISeeMisledPeople · 31/08/2023 06:45

It's not an unreasonable opinion to have.

If she's talking about people talking advantage, and that wasn't the case in your situation, why are you taking it so personally? Was he cheating on his wife? The fact that you say everything was 'above the water' (does that mean the same as above board?) suggests not?

Do you have reason to think she was talking about you?

Alwaysdecorating · 31/08/2023 06:51

By telling her to keep her opinions to herself, you are expressing your opinion.

Why would you need to express yours in a way that shuts her down? Couldn’t you just disagree with her?

If this has bothered you so much, I would concentrate on that. Why has it hit a nerve?

Funkyblues101 · 31/08/2023 06:53

C152 · 30/08/2023 19:12

Not sure why you're taking offence here? Were the comments directed at you, or was she just giving her opinions generally? If so, I agree with her about older men dating younger, naive women at work. The power imbalance means it's never really an equal relationship.

As for cheating, that's a bit crackpot, as who's going to police that?

Anyway, either join in the conversation or don't. No need to shut her down unless she was being rude to you or others.

As an aside, the British military takes a very dim view of service people having affairs whilst married - highly successful careers go down the toilet every year as a result of them.

Mimi299 · 31/08/2023 06:55

So many things wrong with this. unless it was maliciously directed at you and your specific situation, why shouldn’t she express her opinion on this? Why do you feel the need to shut her down from expressing her opinion which is probably 99% of people believe (the rest are dating their juniors) I assume you are in law.

Dating your trainee as a supervisor is absolutely not ok - in my firm you wouldn’t get trainee ever again if so and probably not make partner ever. I don’t see how you don’t think there is a problem with this. There are serious power dynamics at play - supervisors are responsible for writing feedback, allocating work and have a say in qualification. Even if there was not actual bias this gives rise to the perception of bias.

Also it’s an abuse of a position of responsibility, even if you liked him too. I don’t think people should be struck off for it, but I know of people who have, quite rightly, lose their jobs or not been put in a management position as a result.

VictoriaVenkman · 31/08/2023 07:26

You've not given enough detail to advise either way however it does sound as if this colleague has hit a nerve.

loislovesstewie · 31/08/2023 07:28

If she was talking generally then I see nothing wrong; she was expressing an opinion in a training session.FWIW, I'm not in favour of workplace romances generally, I've worked with people who can't park their personal relationship at the door, if the are lovey- dovey it's embarrassing , when they separate it's awful for everyone else.It's happened so often, and causes issues frequently.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/08/2023 07:29

So he was your supervisor and an older married man. I can kind of see her point there…

MaybeBabyTwo · 31/08/2023 07:31

Was he married when you met him?

BodegaSushi · 31/08/2023 07:31

Dentaldrama · 30/08/2023 22:29

Did you start dating your husband when he was your supervisor?

And was he married?

LadyBird1973 · 31/08/2023 08:30

The military is a bit different in that when you sign up, you are agreeing to give up some personal autonomy for the duration of your career.

I mostly agree with your colleague, although I don't think affairs between consenting adult (where no one is taking advantage of their position) should be a sacking offence if one is cheating. That's a personal matter.
But I would say that if you do decide to cheat or have an affair with a married person, it does tell your employer that your judgement is iffy and your morals are compromised.

GrandHighPoohbah · 31/08/2023 08:35

In most cases, she has a point. It wasn't a personal attack directed at you. People are allowed to have opinions.

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/08/2023 08:38

Octosaurus · Yesterday 22:41
Are you just being touchy because deep down you know your husband was probably taking advantage of you and will probably take advantage of another younger model again when he tires of you?

Jesus, are you always so bloody nasty?

muddlingthrou · 31/08/2023 09:39

Ooh she evidently struck a nerve! Maybe question why her perfectly reasonable stance has rubbed you up the wrong way to such a degree.

Marblessolveeverything · 31/08/2023 09:43

In a lot of industries standard contracts have a clause preventing dating between levels - to protect the employer.

She is right to be concerned - your situation is not blueprint for others. It puts both parties at risk - a vindictive ex could ruin a career, and a junior party could be coerced - it isn't that rare not so long ago.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 31/08/2023 09:50

Readingineading · 31/08/2023 06:41

Similar situation here but thankfully the only time anyone seems to have a problem is if I've mentioned it on here and DH suddenly becomes some grubby old man! People in real life either keep their opinions to themselves or are more live and let live.

I did lose a couple of friends but only because they were religious and DH was divorced so our marriage would never be recognised and we would be living in sin. To be honest I was probably better off without them!

LolaSmiles · 31/08/2023 09:52

Dating someone more senior but not YOUR senior is quite different from dating a senior colleague who is in a professional role such as being a supervisor role for a trainee.

There is a power imbalance in the second relationship and even if the relationship is above board, it opens up questions about professionalism, professional judgement and whether there's been any bias throughout the training process.

Given your colleague seems to have strong opinions about married men cheating on their wives with younger female juniors, I can't help but wonder if your DP was married when you met.

AmazingSnakeHead · 31/08/2023 10:07

I think what she said was fine. It's the reality for many women. Great that it worked out for you, although I think it's still a bit off if he was your supervisor, or if he was already married.

Blobblobblob · 31/08/2023 10:10

She's entitled to her opinion, you're entitled to dislike it. The end.

ToughFuss · 31/08/2023 10:10

Oh who gives a fuck honestly? She has her opinion, you have yours, they differ, so what? Unless you’ve lived a very sheltered life, surely differences of opinion have come up before with other people? If you’re happy, then that’s all that matters. And tbh if it was all so above board etc then her opinion doesn’t really apply to you anyway…

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 31/08/2023 10:19

There may not have been anything untoward about you and your line manager getting together @aborge
People fall in love for all kinds of reasons and in all kinds of contexts.

The vast vast majority of male managers who get together with the people they manage, however, do so because they can.

And ALL industries should do what they can to protect women (because though not impossible, it's far far more unlikely) from being taken advantage of.

It's funny. The other day a woman whose male colleague asked her how to say "you're beautiful" in her own language and added her (open account) to his SM was told he was a creep, a pervert and should be reported.

Did people advise you to report your manager to the regulatory authorities?

ToughFuss · 31/08/2023 10:23

Fwiw my ex (amicable split, he never did anything wrong) was my manager at work when we met, and I was 20 and he was 34. plenty of people had plenty to say about it, but honestly, I knew what the situation was and what it wasn’t and that was enough, I didn’t feel the need to police other peoples opinions.

heartofglass23 · 31/08/2023 10:26

She is saying what your friends/family think behind your back but don't say to your face.

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