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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Potty training. Fml.

49 replies

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 13:52

Aibu to ask what I'm doing wrong?

DTwins are 3, 4 end of the year, starting final year of nursery next week altho they've been in school nursery since Jan.

I can't potty train

Left bare bummed with a clean potty, they are perfect. Weed and poos. No issues. But they don't tell me. They'll just go and sometimes tell me and sometimes I just have to see it or check the potty.

Put them in nappies, they fill them.

Their verbal skills are well behind, twin related rather than SEN.

Put them in pants and no trousers. If I remind them, they'll say no or occasionally sit and go. If I leave them to it, they pee in their pants. One poo so far and I think he was already pantless.

I don't know how to make them tell me they need to go before they go so I can help them get pants down and onto potty
I have no idea how the hell this will translate into using an upstairs loo.

Please tell me why I'm a shitty failure of a mother with untrained 3 year olds.

School are getting really pushy because it's obvious they can tell when they want to go. They need to crack it by Tuesday

OP posts:
DorotheaHomeAlone · 30/08/2023 13:57

You are definitely not a failure. The fml feeling is an integral part of potty training! 🙈

Sounds like they are totally capable and ready just a bit lazy and not particularly motivated. What have you tried already for reward, praise, bribery? You know them best. What motivated them? Big praise (calling granny to show off etc), stickers, a chart that lead to a big reward, chocolate buttons for every successful trip? They’re pretty rational at that age and you won’t win this one without getting them on board.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 14:21

I don't think they are rational tho, and their limited language makes it even harder. Maybe a Jaffa cake for each wee rather than a kinder egg for doing them generally is worth a try (Def food not stickers) but they've had at least 5 accidents each since 9 am as well as several successful wees when they've been pantless. They wee SO frigging much.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 15:10

I tried a cake bribe. Now they're stuck to the potty

OP posts:
Toottooot · 30/08/2023 15:16

At 3 1/2 I’d be putting them straight to the toilet not potty. We trained just before 3 and child would not entertain a potty.

TropicalTrama · 30/08/2023 15:23

Can you get them reliable if you take them every hour? Obviously the hope is that they’ll initiate but maybe that needs time especially if they aren’t great verbally. If you can avoid accidents by doing it that way then that’s something and hopefully nursery can follow suit. Loads need reminders to go even at school nursery it isn’t a big deal. Then you can work at gradually increasing the interval and hopefully get them to 2 hours between trips. Also, if they wee all the time I’d probably rethink the bribery because you’re literally incentivising that- the more they go the more treats they get.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 15:25

Toottooot · 30/08/2023 15:16

At 3 1/2 I’d be putting them straight to the toilet not potty. We trained just before 3 and child would not entertain a potty.

Clearly mine are less mature, they're fine with potty. Sit on it no problem

, there's absolutely no way with them not telling me that I could get one up stairs to the loo let alone two.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 15:26

TropicalTrama · 30/08/2023 15:23

Can you get them reliable if you take them every hour? Obviously the hope is that they’ll initiate but maybe that needs time especially if they aren’t great verbally. If you can avoid accidents by doing it that way then that’s something and hopefully nursery can follow suit. Loads need reminders to go even at school nursery it isn’t a big deal. Then you can work at gradually increasing the interval and hopefully get them to 2 hours between trips. Also, if they wee all the time I’d probably rethink the bribery because you’re literally incentivising that- the more they go the more treats they get.

I'm trying to remind them every 30 minutes or so but sometimes they'll just say no. They're big drinkers and big weeers, even nursery have commented they wee a lot.

I did wonder if I should restrict drinks to set times and then try potty X minutes later?

OP posts:
EdithGrantham · 30/08/2023 15:31

I may be way off as we haven't started trying to train DD as she will only sit on a potty if she's completely naked and reading a particular book but isn't the step after bare bottoms "meant" to be trousers but no pants as pants feel too similar to nappies?

Eachpeachpears · 30/08/2023 15:39

Chocolate buttons. One for a wee. Two for a poo. Three for telling you before they need it.

TropicalTrama · 30/08/2023 15:41

EdithGrantham · 30/08/2023 15:31

I may be way off as we haven't started trying to train DD as she will only sit on a potty if she's completely naked and reading a particular book but isn't the step after bare bottoms "meant" to be trousers but no pants as pants feel too similar to nappies?

That’s the Oh Crap method and the author is very clear that her methods are for toddlers aged 20-30 months so I’d forget about trying it with 3 going on 4 year olds like OP has. She really doesn’t mince her words about how difficult it will be.

OP I don’t know why but prompting never works and they will always say no, I suppose because unless they’re literally desperate at the exact moment you happen to ask then ‘no’ is the correct answer. I’d just take them to the toilet every hour with no discussion. Leave the potty visible so they can use it as needed in between but don’t mention it. Take the pressure off. And they need to learn to wear clothes. I’d put on undies at home as it’s easy for them to get up and down but no trousers to complicate matters. And it saves on washing in the event of an accident. Also, what do they drink? A friend of mine had a similar problem and cutting out the squash solved it- her DD was guzzling it for the taste rather than thirst.

rhino12345 · 30/08/2023 15:44

Eachpeachpears · 30/08/2023 15:39

Chocolate buttons. One for a wee. Two for a poo. Three for telling you before they need it.

This.

Also it sounds a bit daft but could you and the kids go away for a night or two somewhere they're not familiar with? My daughter trained perfectly (almost overnight) when we went on holiday, and the same happened with my cousin's kids (trained perfectly on holiday) and my friend's son who was taking ages to crack it, got it within 24 hours on holiday. I think the change of scenery (lol) really helps in my experience.
You might not be able to before Tuesday, but if you could go to a relative or friend's house it could help.

Caspianberg · 30/08/2023 15:46

Do they even have potties at nursery?
Most just have low toilets, so it would make sense to skip potty if at nursery as it’s just another thing to learn.
Plus.. with two, I would be terrified of the amount of potties tipped over!

We use babybjorn toilet seat on toilet, it’s really secure and no wobbles so Ds ( also 3) likes it. We trained a bit earlier as he had just turned 2, but what seemed to work seeing as he couldn’t talk then was just taking him to the toilet rather than asking at first. I think I took every 30 mins the first few days, then if he went, tried again an hour later. Mini lindt chocolate balls as full bribery. When straight to pants and leggings, no bare bum stuff.

i think a lot of it for 2-5 year old sis just taking them and telling them to try. At Ds nursery, all the children trained, regardless of age just all get taken at set intervals to try. Obviously they can go in between, but I’m guessing if they are all taken at 10am before going outside, 12pm before lunch, 2pm etc there’s generally less accidents for any age if distracted.

Blackcurrant can be a diuretic, so avoid any berry types of juice if you usually give.

EdithGrantham · 30/08/2023 15:47

@TropicalTrama ahh ok, that was what I'd read on FB groups, haven't read the book itself

Twizbe · 30/08/2023 15:51

Have you spoken to the GP about the drinking and weeing? It could be something physical which isn’t helping the potty.

Is one twin getting it more than the other? You could try cracking it with one and letting peer pressure help with the other

TropicalTrama · 30/08/2023 15:57

Also have you tried character pants? My DS didn’t care but my DD was really motivated by not peeing on Elsa 🤣

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 16:09

EdithGrantham · 30/08/2023 15:31

I may be way off as we haven't started trying to train DD as she will only sit on a potty if she's completely naked and reading a particular book but isn't the step after bare bottoms "meant" to be trousers but no pants as pants feel too similar to nappies?

They pee. Tried it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 16:13

rhino12345 · 30/08/2023 15:44

This.

Also it sounds a bit daft but could you and the kids go away for a night or two somewhere they're not familiar with? My daughter trained perfectly (almost overnight) when we went on holiday, and the same happened with my cousin's kids (trained perfectly on holiday) and my friend's son who was taking ages to crack it, got it within 24 hours on holiday. I think the change of scenery (lol) really helps in my experience.
You might not be able to before Tuesday, but if you could go to a relative or friend's house it could help.

Show quote history

We've just come off holiday and whilst they use the loo a few times when nar bummed, they were no better.

Yes they are cordial addicts, so might be worth trying water instead and hiding it all.

They've been tested for diabetes and cleared.

Problem with upstairs is it requires cooperation and coercion, I can't carry them up together. Perhaps trying to 15 minutes apart tomorrow?

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 16:15

TropicalTrama · 30/08/2023 15:41

That’s the Oh Crap method and the author is very clear that her methods are for toddlers aged 20-30 months so I’d forget about trying it with 3 going on 4 year olds like OP has. She really doesn’t mince her words about how difficult it will be.

OP I don’t know why but prompting never works and they will always say no, I suppose because unless they’re literally desperate at the exact moment you happen to ask then ‘no’ is the correct answer. I’d just take them to the toilet every hour with no discussion. Leave the potty visible so they can use it as needed in between but don’t mention it. Take the pressure off. And they need to learn to wear clothes. I’d put on undies at home as it’s easy for them to get up and down but no trousers to complicate matters. And it saves on washing in the event of an accident. Also, what do they drink? A friend of mine had a similar problem and cutting out the squash solved it- her DD was guzzling it for the taste rather than thirst.

Show quote history

Yeah I know it's later than it should be but we hoped their language improving would help.

Yes they're in pants and t-shirt now,have been most of the day.

I love the no peeing on Elsa idea. We have PJ mask pants upstairs lol

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 16:17

Caspianberg · 30/08/2023 15:46

Do they even have potties at nursery?
Most just have low toilets, so it would make sense to skip potty if at nursery as it’s just another thing to learn.
Plus.. with two, I would be terrified of the amount of potties tipped over!

We use babybjorn toilet seat on toilet, it’s really secure and no wobbles so Ds ( also 3) likes it. We trained a bit earlier as he had just turned 2, but what seemed to work seeing as he couldn’t talk then was just taking him to the toilet rather than asking at first. I think I took every 30 mins the first few days, then if he went, tried again an hour later. Mini lindt chocolate balls as full bribery. When straight to pants and leggings, no bare bum stuff.

i think a lot of it for 2-5 year old sis just taking them and telling them to try. At Ds nursery, all the children trained, regardless of age just all get taken at set intervals to try. Obviously they can go in between, but I’m guessing if they are all taken at 10am before going outside, 12pm before lunch, 2pm etc there’s generally less accidents for any age if distracted.

Blackcurrant can be a diuretic, so avoid any berry types of juice if you usually give.

We can provide one and they'll put it on their toileting area, they're very amenable but I know they expect them to be dry by Wednesday.

Juice is orange, lemon or mixed fruit but I will def try cutting it back to water.

OP posts:
jannier · 30/08/2023 16:21

EdithGrantham · 30/08/2023 15:31

I may be way off as we haven't started trying to train DD as she will only sit on a potty if she's completely naked and reading a particular book but isn't the step after bare bottoms "meant" to be trousers but no pants as pants feel too similar to nappies?

I've never done bare in over 60 children always fully (but easy up and down) clothes they learn the up and down first in helping with nappies

Caspianberg · 30/08/2023 16:22

I would definitely try ditching the mixed fruit cordial then. If they won’t drink plain water then use the lemon/ orange for now.

In terms of toilet being upstairs, can you get a basket of books and leave upstairs near toilet. And stickers. Then both get taken up, and one sits on your lap, one toilet, and you read to them both. Swap who’s on toilet. Another book. Both sticker for trying. Downstairs for chocolate if they went

doodlejump1980 · 30/08/2023 16:22

Are they both 100% ready? My twins were late to potty training at 3yr6mth and 3year10 months. We tried to do it with them both together but one just wasn’t ready. We went back to nappies with one and tried again later on. They’ll get there I promise! But I remember the hell. Fist pump in solidarity to a fellow twin mum!

hookiewookie29 · 30/08/2023 16:23

They're not ready. Put nappies back on for another couple of months. It's not working and nit worth the stress.

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 30/08/2023 16:24

I have twins so feel your pain! Is one slightly more advanced than the other? Are they both boys? Mine are a bit younger but I'm doing the "easier" one first - just to help my stress levels more than anything! This happens to be My girl twin. Granted her speech is very good so is able to tell me but more often than not it's me that says let's go sit on the potty. I "allow" juice at certain times and guaranteed she'll wee about 20 mins later so I watch her like a hawk for any cues and if she's busy playing I'll remind her about the potty. We did bare bum for couple of weeks - putting pants on doesn't seem to have worked as she'll wet them - bizarrely she is better in pull up nappies so we are doing that stage next before then just using pants

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 30/08/2023 16:30

hookiewookie29 · 30/08/2023 16:23

They're not ready. Put nappies back on for another couple of months. It's not working and nit worth the stress.

OP may not have a choice - they are nearly 4. My eldest pre school and also reception year said that in absence of SEN that they would clean up one accident / change one full nappy but parents would be called into school to deal with anything more - they were very clear that they wouldn't potty train children in their classes