5 weeks ago I had a falling out with my Mum.
For back context the relationship is often quite strained. There is a lot of back trauma around my childhood she will not acknowledge. She was an emotionally absent parent and I was pretty much left to get on with things myself which led to finding myself in some very damaging situations as a teenager such as being very drunk and manipulated around boys and men that sexually abused me. Situations I should have been protected from. I was heavily bullied at school to the point I attempted suicide at 15, (I was sent to hospital alone with my Dad saying if I was going to kill myself I should do it properly) and my parents refused to move me because "I would get bullied anywhere I was that kind of kid". My mum even let my sister invite my bullies into my home to hang out. I have tried talking to her about this many times. She gets angry and blames me. I have stopped trying to talk to her about it.
For more context my middle sister is a gambling addict who has stolen and gambled thousands off my Mum and yet my Mum defends and mollycoddles and treats her like the favourite child.
Also my little sister had a baby a year ago my family dote on.
So 5 weeks ago I rang my Mum (I would ring her most days) and we were talking. She said "oh btw I haven't got DD a birthday present this year" (DD turned 8 a week before). This is a month after my DS birthday he also received nothing and no acknowledgement from my Mum it was their birthday other then a Facebook post which obviously they don't see as they are children without Facebook. This happened last year but my mum did get them something just made no effort to give it to them for 6 months. I went quiet. She asked me what was wrong.
I said it made me sad. That this year DS had asked why Nanny doesn't remember their birthdays. She said she was skint and I was selfish. I said it's the thought that counts not the amount spend. She didn't need to spend much at all just sending them a colouring book (which you can buy in b and m for a quid) with a card would be more then enough. It's just showing the kids she cares on their birthday. It's the thought that counts. Also she bought my niece plenty for hers.
I also said it made me sad as she fusses around my niece. Constantly posting "Nanny loves you" posts on Facebook (to the point my DHs mum even mentioned to my DH that she thought it was odd how often my Mum posts about my niece and never even mentions my 3 kids) but can't even call my kids. I said they ask me about her loads but she refuses to video call them because the kids end up putting filters on and my mum says she "doesn't want to use stupid filters".
I said it makes me sad that she has never helped me, not even when I was in desperate need, for example needing childcare while I had a C-section my Mum agreed then phoned my DH and made him leave the hospital and me alone to come get my DS because he was crying and when I had HG and couldn't get out of bed I was so ill in and out of hospital and my DH was told he was going to loose his job if he had to keep taking time off but she wouldn't help even for a few hours occasionally. I basically parent without any family support and yet she offered and looks after my niece while my little sister goes to work so she doesn't have to pay for a childminder and while she goes out drinking with her friends. Mum always has my niece. It just feels unfair. I have really struggled at times and have had to just accept Mum won't ever help despite my Mum having significant family support when we were growing up and yet she constantly helps my sister.
She got angry and defensive. I said I was only talking to her about this because she asked me what was wrong and maybe she could just listen and take some of it on board as not only does it make me feel sad my kids are noticing now. She said I was self absorbed. That it's different with my sister as she is young (she's not actually any younger then I was when I had my first child mum just babies her).
I ended up hanging up.
That was 5 weeks ago. Not heard anything and this is the longest time I have ever not spoken to her.
If I call she will expect me to apologise and say I was wrong and I expect to much before she will even speak to me. In the past I have always done this.
This time I don't want to. I don't think I was in the wrong and I only talked to her about it as she noticed me go quiet on the phone and asked me what was wrong.
DH thinks I shouldn't bother. He says my family cause me so much hurt and upset and I have had to spend my entire adult life trying to undo the damage of my neglectful childhood. He thinks I should leave them to it and focus on our family.
So is it me that is unreasonable thinking my Mum could just acknowledge my kids birthdays to them and for thinking that the difference in the amount of help she offers me sister compared to me is unfair or is she the one that is unreasonable?
Should I call her and apologise to smooth over the relationship knowing nothing will change or not?